Trump Says DeSantis Lacks the Classified Documents Necessary to Be President
By Andy Borowitz
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—As Ron DeSantis reportedly prepares a White House bid, Donald J. Trump accused the Florida Governor of lacking the classified documents necessary to be President of the United States.
“A President needs nuclear codes, weapons designs, top-secret stuff like you wouldn’t believe,” Trump said. “How are you gonna get all that without classified documents? The answer is, Ron DeSantis should not be allowed to run.”
Trump predicted that “if the F.B.I. raided Ron’s house today, they wouldn’t find a goddam document. Not a goddam document. This is what makes Ron DeSantis so dangerous, quite frankly.”
In perhaps his most damning accusation, Trump alleged that DeSantis “never even tried to buy classified documents from me.”
“I had all these beautiful, gleaming documents for sale, and Ron never picked up the phone and said, ‘Sir, I’d like to buy some documents,’ ” he said. “Ron DeSantis is a disgrace.”
While we’re on the subject on unintended consequences resulting from Russia’s attempted rape of Ukraine. There are a whole bunch for the mini-me Hitler who orchestrated the move, such as strengthening of NATO, increase in military spending by all European nations, and a loss of income from natural resources because the main customer—thought to be dependent—has found alternative sources.
People might want to look at Poland and there massive military expansion. They now have one of the largest active militaries in the world. And, then continue to add to their arsenal as well as increasing their production capacity. Anyone seeing films of their solders on parade might notice the goose step, a feature of all autocratic armies. (There is a saying the any country with a goose-stepping army has no sense of humor.) And, anyone noticing headlines might see that Poland is fighting the the European Union because the ruling party (ultra-rightwing) is changing laws in direct contravention of European fundamental principles. At some point, Poland might decide that they are strong enough to “fight” for their rights.
Of course, this is a country that has been invaded and trampled on from every direction, so a sense of needing the ability to prevent history repeating itself might play a role. But….
George Santos Reveals That He Is an M1 Abrams Battle Tank
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a speech to the House of Representatives, George Santos disclosed that he is an M1 Abrams battle tank.
Representative Santos apologized for not previously including his battle-tank status on his résumé, calling the omission a “careless error.”
Describing his many outstanding features, Santos said that he is equipped with two six-barrel smoke-grenade launchers and an AN/VLQ-6 Missile Countermeasure Device.
“The Ukrainians have called battle tanks the punching fist of democracy,” Santos said. “I, George Santos, am that fist.”
In recognition of Santos’s career as an M1 Abrams battle tank, House Speaker Kevin McCarthy named him the chairman of the House Armed Services Committee.
Pence Says He Hid Behind Classified Documents to Keep Women from Lusting After Him
By Andy Borowitz
CARMEL, INDIANA (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence has revealed that he often hid behind classified documents to prevent women who were not his wife from lusting after him.
Speaking to reporters outside his home in Indiana, Pence said that his “greatest fear” was dining alone in a restaurant and being accosted by women “hellbent on seducing me.”
“Whenever possible, I’d bring Mother,” he said. “But when she wasn’t available I’d hide my face behind classified documents.”
The former Vice-President hoped that the American people would understand his using secret documents as “a mask of sorts” to keep Pence-crazed women from hurling themselves at him.
“People are saying that having classified documents in my personal possession was wrong,” he said. “All I ask is that they consider the human cost—day in, day out—of being as sexy as Mike Pence.”
Using taxpayer money for a stadium costing $2 billion so a professional football team, owned by a man with many billions, can play less than ten times a year. Of course, anyone wanting to view a game must pay for the privilege to also pay for parking, refreshments, and other expenses associated with lining the billionaires pockets.
I have not seen or heard anyone write about or mention the unintended consequences of providing arms and ammunition to Ukraine. If and when this unjustified war ends—and Ukraine returns to being a sovereign, free, and democratic nation—what will the huge well-equipped military do?
One can hope that the men and women bravely fighting and learning new skills will want to return to civilian life and enjoy peace and freedom.
Giuliani Praises George Santos: “The G.O.P. Must Pass the Torch to a New Generation of Liars”
By Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Offering his full-throated support for Representative George Santos, Rudolph Giuliani said that “it’s time for Republicans to pass the torch to a new generation of liars.”
“I get why some Republicans are knocking the kid—they’re envious of his raw talent,” Giuliani told Fox News Channel’s Sean Hannity. “But we should be showing him our respect. I mean, look at this kid’s body of work. He could turn out to be the Michael Jordan of lying.”
“When I watch him lie, he reminds me of me at his age,” Giuliani said. “Like poetry in motion. But he’s taking his game to a whole new level. The inventiveness, the audacity. Personally, I can’t wait to see what he does next.”
“I still like to think that I can lie with the best of them, but I know I’ve lost a step,” he added. “What can I tell you? I had a good run. But now it’s George Santos’s time to shine. Just put him out there and watch the magic happen.”
As happens often, politics lags far behind public reality. Despite what the Constitution says, the Supreme Court has become a Christian body (much like in Iran or other fundamentalist country), whereas the public is leaving organised religion, especially Christianity. Churches are closing in record numbers, but laws are being controlled by religious fanatics. Younger people are moving away from religion, because it does not fit their life views.
(Of course, we all know the Constitution only works where firearms are concerned!)
Don’t ask me why the German chancellor refuses to permit Leopard tanks to be delivered to Ukraine. One can wonder if he has hidden ties to the Kremlin. He was deputy and long-time ally to former German chancellor, Gerhard Schroeder, who is paid by and has a tight relationship with Russian business and government. There are also lingering relationships in Germany, because half the country was long controlled by Russia. The excuses given by the government might be risible if the need were not so crucial.
I was thinking about the civics class I never took in high school and the political science course I did not take in college. I have learned enough reading, listening, and absorbing information about politics, politicians, and political parties.
Parties will have different ideas about how a country should be. No one party is right or has all the answers. In a democracy, they must work to together to reach a compromise for the good of the nation and its people. That’s the ideal solution. The problem is reality, because people are involved with different agendas and egos.
No nation can succeed in the long run if one party’s only goal is chaos and disruption.
The world has evolved. People want to be deceive. Lying is the way to succeed. Voters choose liars to be their leaders. Truth is not believed. False is in.
Why? Who or what is at fault? Is it the entertainment industry, which thrives on false images? Is it the diluted education system, which turns out students unable to read, write, or do math? Is it the natural flow of evolution of reach to lowest common denominator?
Whatever is, lying is here to stay and there is not antidote. People wanting the truth are an endangered species and that’s no lie.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.