Amy Coney Barrett Supports Health Care Available in Year Constitution Was Written
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that she has been unfairly branded as anti-health care, Amy Coney Barrett testified that she strongly supports all medical treatments that were available in the year the United States Constitution was written.
Like her role model, Antonin Scalia, Barrett said that she considers herself a “strict originalist” and therefore advocates only the health-care practices that the Framers of the Constitution used in 1787.
“For example, the best cure for headaches, fevers, and agues is arsenic, a wondrous elixir prescribed by many a Doctor of Physick,” she said. “ ’Twill serve.”
As for preëxisting conditions, Barrett said that she only acknowledges maladies that preëxisted the late eighteenth century, such as dropsy, King’s Evil, and scrivener’s palsy.
Finally, although Barrett did not reveal whether she would vote to strike down Obamacare, she said that the law should be rewritten so that its lowercase “S”s look more like “f”s.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.