TRUMP FIRES ATTORNEY GENERAL AFTER COPY OF CONSTITUTION IS FOUND ON HER COMPUTER
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump fired the acting Attorney General, Sally Q. Yates, after learning that she had downloaded a copy of the United States Constitution to her computer, Trump told reporters on Monday night.
According to the Trump Administration’s code of ethics, established by Steve Bannon, a counsellor to the President, “possessing, reading, or referring to the United States Constitution” is a violation that is punishable by termination.
Suspecting that Yates was in breach of that rule, Bannon seized Yates’s computer at the Justice Department and discovered that she had secretly downloaded a complete copy of the 1789 document.
“Sally Yates was hatching a covert plot to require my actions to be in accordance with the Constitution,” Trump said. “We caught her red-handed.”
Trump said he hoped Yates’s firing would send Justice Department staffers the message that “if you are caught flagrantly obeying the Constitution, you will be out of here.”
“The American people deserve an Attorney General who will come to work every day ready to flout the Constitution, and in Jeff Sessions, they will have one,” he said.
SCIENTISTS BAFFLED BY MCCONNELL AND RYAN’S ABILITY TO STAND UPRIGHT WITHOUT SPINES
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “medical mystery of the first order,” scientists are baffled by the ability of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and House Speaker Paul Ryan to stand upright without the benefit of spines.
Doctors at the University of Minnesota Medical School, who have been studying the skeletal structures of both Republicans for months, believe that their ability to stand, walk, and even break into a brisk trot when confronted by reporters’ questions is “virtually inexplicable.”
“The fact that they can do these things without the aid of spines makes McConnell and Ryan anomalies in the animal kingdom,” said Dr. Davis Logsdon. “According to everything medical science teaches us, their bodies should be collapsing to the ground in two heaps.”
As the Minnesota scientists have struggled to solve the medical conundrum presented by the two invertebrate leaders, one theory that has gained traction is what Logsdon calls “the startled-deer hypothesis.”
“Just as a deer freezes in the headlights of a car and briefly appears statue-like, we believe that Ryan and McConnell’s bodies may retain their rigid structure out of terror alone,” he said. “In other words, fear is performing the function that a spine performs in other people.”
Calling it “just a theory,” Logsdon said that the anatomies of McConnell and Ryan require further study, and that there was growing public support for both men to be dissected.
It is disturbing and sad that a few people can, within a few days, destroy what has taken centuries to build at home and abroad.
For the New Year, I had hoped that things would not become as bad as they could become...but maybe they are already worse...
Widespread intellectual and moral docility may be convenient for leaders in the short term,
but it is suicidal for nations in the long term.
One of the criteria for national leadership should therefore be a talent for understanding, encouraging,
and making constructive use of vigorous criticism.
Strange how the world turns: A nation of immigrants, “led” by a conman whose grandparents were immigrants, now denies entry to immigrants.
Being an American citizen used to make travelling the world relatively easy. Visas required by only a few nations, were easy to obtain. I fear my foreign travels will become more fraught with problems. In particular, I have a trip planned to Dubai. My hope is that the corporation running the United States has business interests in the Emirates. That seems to be the primary measure in foreign policy decisions.
TRUMP ENRAGED AS MEXICAN PRESIDENT MEETS WITH MERYL STREEP INSTEAD
By Andy Borowitz
MEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s personal war with Mexico escalated further on Friday after Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto cancelled his meeting with Trump and scheduled one with Meryl Streep instead.
“The American people are a great people, and no one personifies that greatness better than Meryl Streep,” Peña Nieto said in an official statement.
The summit with Streep was widely seen as a prelude to Mexico establishing full diplomatic relations with the Academy Award-winning actress.
At the White House, Trump’s advisers were reportedly considering a host of retaliatory measures, including Steve Bannon’s proposal that the President of Mexico be told to “shut up.”
During his daily press briefing, the White House spokesman Sean Spicer called Peña Nieto’s decision to meet with Streep instead of Trump “absurd.”
“President Trump is a much greater American than Meryl Streep and has won way more Oscars than she has, period,” Spicer said.
Trust is equal parts character and competence.
You can look at any leadership failure, and it's always a failure of one or the other.
Stephen M.R. Covey