GARY JOHNSON SAYS HIS FAVORITE FOREIGN LEADER IS OBI-WAN KENOBI
By Andy Borowitz
DURHAM, N.H. (The Borowitz Report)—Asked at a town-hall meeting on Wednesday to name his favorite foreign leader, the Libertarian Presidential candidate Gary Johnson seemed stumped at first before finally responding, “Obi-Wan Kenobi.”
The host of the town hall, MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, initially appeared taken aback by Johnson’s answer, but the former New Mexico governor went on to defend it vigorously.
“Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Jedi Master, Chris,” Johnson said. “More than anyone else, he taught me that the Force is already strong with me.”
“We’re on the same page about this, aren’t we, Bill?” he asked his running mate, the former Massachusetts Governor William Weld, who smiled weakly and shifted awkwardly in his chair.
As the town-hall audience murmured nervously, Matthews reframed the question for Johnson. “What I meant was, Governor, could you name your favorite world leader on this planet?” he asked.
Again, Johnson seemed perplexed, before eventually replying, “Frodo.”
The Libertarian Party announced on Thursday that Johnson would participate in no additional town halls.
Celebrations are raging and Champagne corks are popping at law offices around the country. Future earnings and bonuses are guaranteed; idiot lawmakers have passed a law permitting citizens to sue Saudi Arabia for "causing" the attacks on September 11th. It does not matter that the chances are slim of any claimants receiving compensation, but that will not stop lawyers from cashing in.
Anyone with a certain level of intelligence and a bit of common sense will know that there is a big difference between actual history, hagiography of Hollywood movies, and textbook versions of history (all vetted by school boards in Texas). This is painfully obvious in the tale of Custer’s Last Stand, better to called Custer’s Last Stupidity.
This is a man that would be loved by and fit perfectly on Fox News. The target audience would fall for his bluster, arrogance, and lies, as they do for the cast of characters polluting the airways each day.
Sadly, the Hollywood version of this event will remain foremost in the public mind, because the truth is not welcome. White men write the history or take the wealth of the land, then and now.
If, by chance, you are interested in what (most likely) happened in what is now the state of Montana in 1876, they I recommend that you read “The Last Stand: Custer, Sitting Bull, and the Battle of the Little Bighorn ”, by Nathaniel Philbrick. This extremely well-researched book explores both sides of the story, which Hollywood and textbooks never did. The supposed bad guys, who popped the bubble of Custer’s delusions, turn out to be the good guys.
I noticed some parallels between an arrogant blond white man on a horse and a blustery clown with funny blond hair pretending to be a politician. One led his troops to disaster; one could, if elected, lead his country to a similar fate.
TRUMP THREATENS TO SKIP REMAINING DEBATES IF HILLARY IS THERE
By Andy Borowitz
HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. (The Borowitz Report)—Plunging the future of the 2016 Presidential debates into doubt, Donald J. Trump said on Tuesday morning that he would not participate in the remaining two debates if Hillary Clinton is there.
Trump blasted the format of Monday night’s debate by claiming that the presence of Clinton was “specifically designed” to distract him from delivering his message to the American people.
“Every time I said something, she would say something back,” he said. “It was rigged.”
He also lambasted the “underhanded tactics” his opponent used during the debate. “She kept on bringing up things I said or did,” he added. “She is a very nasty person.”
Turning to CNN, Trump criticized the network’s use of a split screen showing both him and Clinton throughout the telecast. “It should have been just me,” he said. “That way people could have seen how really good my temperament is.”
The billionaire said that debate organizers had not yet responded to his ultimatum, but he warned that if he does not get assurances in writing that future debates will be “un-rigged, Hillary-wise,” he will not participate.
“I have said time and time again that I would only do these debates if I am treated fairly,” he added. “The only way I can be guaranteed of being treated fairly is if Hillary Clinton is not there.”
If you want to see something interesting, try to see the report of the international team that investigated the crash of the Malaysian Airways MH17, which was shot down over Ukraine. This is fascinating viewing, which will surely be reduced to a sound-bite or two on US media outlets. I watched this on Al Jazeera.
As could be expected, Russian media are attempting to debunk the findings, which are fairly conclusive.
CNN LAUNCHES MANHUNT AFTER LESTER HOLT VANISHES FROM DEBATE
By Andy Borowitz
HEMPSTEAD, N.Y. (The Borowitz Report)—CNN launched an urgent manhunt Monday after Lester Holt, the moderator of the first Presidential debate of the 2016 general election, mysteriously vanished two minutes into the contest.
Network officials became concerned after the two Presidential nominees, Donald J. Trump and Hillary Clinton, were observed shrieking at each other nonstop for ninety seconds without intervention by Holt.
The executives’ alarm spiked when a camera angle intended to show Mr. Holt instead revealed that he was missing from the moderator’s chair.
CNN immediately notified law enforcement, which started searching the environs of Hofstra University, all while Clinton and Trump continued barking at each other unabated.
Jeff Zucker, the president of CNN, issued an impassioned plea to Holt to return to the debate venue at Hofstra as soon as possible. “You don’t even have to moderate the debate,” Zucker said. “We just want to know that you’re O.K.”
Each time I work out, I notice how many people have been stupid enough to have ink applied to his or her skin. I am sure that, at the time, each is convinced of doing something special and “right”. Each probably thinks that he or she is expressing his or her “individuality”.
Today, I had to think about a similar phenomenon that started—I believe—in the 1980s. People used the heating of blue jeans as a fashion statement and a means of displaying individuality and non-conformity. Blue jeans were cool, because they were different from traditional garb. Of course, fashion companies benefited from the lemming-nature of this behaviour by jacking up the prices and making a lot of money.
In both cases—with jeans and tattoos—people choose to ignore or cannot understand that their non-conformity has become conformity. The sought after individuality has been subsumed by ubiquity. And, again, people are making other people rich by flocking after a fad. At least with blue jeans, people could change clothes…
I heard a news report suggesting that up to 100 million people will tune into the latest reality show on Monday night, in which the most-investigate woman in history will listen to insults by the biggest liar and business cheat in the country. Unfortunately, too few voters can recognize the difference between fact and bluster.
Guess who will not be included in the above-mentioned figure…
MORE AMERICANS EXPECTED TO SELF-MEDICATE THAN FOR ANY OTHER DEBATE IN HISTORY
By Andy Borowitz
HEMPSTEAD, NY (The Borowitz Report)—As the nation awaits the first faceoff between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump on Monday night, more Americans are expected to self-medicate than for any other Presidential debate in history.
With over a hundred million people projected to watch the debate, roughly sixty million of them will be barely sentient after ingesting what they deem to be the necessary dose of intoxicants.
Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, estimated on Monday that the level of self-medication for the Trump-Clinton debate could be seven hundred per cent greater than for the first Obama-Romney debate, in 2012.
“The stakes seem higher this time,” Logsdon said. “There’s a sense that, depending on the outcome of tonight’s debate, all human life on the planet could be in peril.”
Across the country, liquor stores reported a desperate run on their merchandise as Americans fortified themselves for what many called “ninety minutes of horror.”
According to official estimates, by 9 p.m. E.T., the nation is expected to have a blood-alcohol level of .10 and will name Canada as its designated driver.