Sarah Huckabee Sanders Proofreads State of the Union One Last Time to Remove Any Remaining Facts
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is proofreading the text of tonight’s State of the Union address one last time to remove any remaining facts, Sanders confirmed on Tuesday.
While a team of wordsmiths led by the senior adviser Stephen Miller has attempted to craft an entirely fact-free address, “It’s good to have a fresh set of eyes to root out any stray accuracies that might have crept in,” Sanders said.
The press secretary said that, for example, while purging the speech of truths, she noticed a reference to the African-American unemployment rate standing at 6.8 per cent, a statistic that she deemed “unacceptably correct.”
“I read that and my Sanders sense started tingling,” she said.
Taking her blue pencil to the text, Sanders changed the number to a “better-sounding” 2.3 per cent. “That may seem like a tiny detail, but it’s stuff like that that separates the professional liars from the mere amateurs,” she said.
Once Sanders is confident that she has obliterated any lingering traces of reality from the script, she will forward it to Donald J. Trump, who will insert misspellings. “It makes him more comfortable reading it on the teleprompter if things are spelled his way,” she said.
The prospect of delivering tonight’s speech appears to have energized Trump, who tweeted early Tuesday morning that he was “very much looking forward to the Steak of the Onion.”
“Fox & Friends” Putting Finishing Touches on Trump’s State of the Union Address
By Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—With just one day until Donald J. Trump’s first State of the Union address, the cast of “Fox and Friends” is working furiously on the final draft of the speech, members confirmed today.
“We’ve really been burning the midnight oil,” Steve Doocy, the host of the Fox program, said. “We have so much to say tomorrow night, and we want to get it all in there.”
Doocy said that when he read the first draft of the State of the Union address last week, he “kind of flipped out” when he realized that there was “absolutely no mention of Hillary Clinton’s Hydra-like tentacles controlling the Deep State.”
“The State of the Union address is the President’s chance to tell the American people where the country is and where it’s going,” Doocy said. “You can’t do that without talking about how Crooked Hillary is funnelling her Russian-uranium riches directly into Bob Mueller’s bank account in the Seychelles.”
While Trump reportedly has had input from other sources, including the Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, the conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, and several neo-Nazi Twitter accounts, Doocy said that the cast of “Fox & Friends” has final approval of the version that Trump will read Tuesday night.
“Someone has to have the last word,” Doocy said. “There are a lot of voices in President Trump’s head, and that’s not including the actual voices that are always in his head.”
I like to tune into the news in the morning and scan a few papers to learn if, while I was sleeping, the world has fallen apart. Well, more than it already has, since January 20, 2017.
Having to read about how the reputation of a once-great and respected nation is being trashed, avoiding photos of the Clown-with-the-funny-hair is increasingly difficult, if not impossible. One must stop looking at all media, which tends to leave you uninformed. Which is not always a bad thing in this day and age…
Despite repeated articles about breakfast being the “most important” meal of the day, mine is usually rather simple and repetitive. I get by with a bit of fruit juice, a piece of toast with jelly, and two cups of tea. A deviation might be a pastry from the baker, if I feel like a short drive in the morning. Occasionally, I will concoct a decent musli, with oatmeal, nuts, raisons, grated apple, and maple syrup.
On vacation, I am confronted with a massive hotel buffet, so I feel I need to get my money’s worth. The hotels I choose always have a rather prodigious offer, needing to serve Asian, Middle Eastern, and Western tastes. Most of the stuff does not appeal to me, but the Japanese insist on rice and miso soup, Arabs demand humus, and the Brits want baked beans, to just a few of the weird items on offer. Of course, all standard egg dishes, baked goods, and fruits are available. I enjoy the fresh juice, fruit, and musli. I might have croissant with strawberry jelly or white toast. Most of the buffet is wasted on me. I judge a hotel by the syrup supplied for pancakes, waffles, and French toast, meaning that corn syrup with maple flavoring is a sign of a bad hotel, no matter how many stars they have awarded themselveses.
One thing I noticed about hotel breakfast is that it soon becomes boring. I look forward to returning home to my habitual mediocrity. I feel sorry for the poor staff, who must each morning set up the buffet, wait on ever-changing hotel guests, and clean up. They must be really bored…or depressed to be stuck in a dumb job. Or, happy to have a salary, no matter how meager.
Video Emerges of Trump Lying Under Oath
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after Donald J. Trump offered to testify under oath for the special counsel, Robert Mueller, a newly discovered video of Trump lying under oath has sent shock waves through Washington.
In the video, which experts believe was recorded approximately one year ago, Trump places his left hand on a Bible and raises his right hand before uttering a stream of falsehoods.
“The video shows him lying in front of what appears to be a substantial number of witnesses, including his wife and a Supreme Court Justice,” Davis Logsdon, a professor at the University of Minnesota Law School, said. “It does raise questions about what, exactly, testifying under oath means to him.”
At the office of the special counsel, Mueller’s team was reportedly considering having Trump swear on something that was more meaningful to him than the Bible, such as a rolled-up copy of Forbes.
But, while Washington mulled the implications of the explosive video, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, questioned the authenticity of the video itself. “The person in this video is not the President of the United States,” she said.
There might be a more-impressive shopping mall somewhere in the world, but I have yet to see it. I have been to the best malls in Florida, California, and Texas, as well as in various countries around the world, but they seem like something from the 3rd world compared to the Dubai Mall.
The first time I visited Dubai, over ten years ago, the biggest mall was the Mall of the Emirates. This was impressive at the time, having an indoor ski slope. Since then, other malls have sprung up in the Emirate. The most-lavish is the Dubai Mall, with a skating rink and huge aquarium. All the major brands attempt to outdo the others with their opulent shop design. The product offer is immense, including a replica of a souk (Arab market). Outside, there is an artificial lake, offering a water fountain show that puts the one in Las Vegas to shame.
One is easily overwhelmed by the offer shops, restaurants, and attractions. The cinema is the best I have seen anywhere in the world.
Although impressive, I kept having this one thought strolling through the Dubai Mall (as I do in other malls): who’s gonna buy all the stuff?
On vacation, one often plays with the idea of living in that country. Unfortunately, living is different than vacationing. Many aspects of life at home do not travel with you, but they do crop up after moving. For example, most of the headaches of dealing with bureaucracy never start on vacation. Health care is not an issue. No bank must be dealt with. Car ownership and insurance are no hassle, because car rental is easy.
Weather is a big factor of a pleasant vacation, especially when visiting a warm climate during winter at home. Recently, I thought of Somerset Maugham stories set in tropical Asia. English planters, who had spent years on rubber plantations, yearned for the feel of a cool rain. Heat and humidity had a way of screwing up minds, especially those of people who dressed in tuxedoes for dinner—a custom brought with them from home—in the Malaysian jungle.
I returned from warm, dry Dubai to cool and wet Germany. I did not mind the feel of a gentle rain on my face. As much as I enjoy a few days vacation in the desert—what used to be desert and could quickly become one again—I cannot imagine living there.
White House Doctor Writes Note Saying Trump Too Sick to Talk to Mueller
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid reports that Donald Trump might soon be summoned to appear before Robert Mueller, the White House doctor wrote a note on Wednesday indicating that Trump was too sick to talk to the special counsel.
“Donald Trump is not well,” Dr. Ronny Jackson wrote.
The doctor’s note offered a laundry list of ailments afflicting Trump, including flu-like symptoms, upset stomach, headaches, dizziness, confusion, and what Jackson called a “wartime foot injury that appears to be acting up.”
Jackson acknowledged in the note that his current assessment of Trump’s health was at odds with the robust picture he painted last week, but added, “Every patient is entitled to a second opinion, and this is mine.”
Minutes after the White House doctor issued his note, the special counsel responded by indicating that if Trump is too ill to come to Mueller’s office, then Mueller would be “more than happy” to interrogate Trump at his sickbed.
The White House doctor, however, quickly rebuffed this offer. “The strain of being under oath and giving truthful answers could kill him,” the doctor said.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.