Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Month of November
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump stirred controversy on Friday by signing an executive order that would ban the month of November.
While legal scholars protested that he did not have the right to reduce the number of months in a year from twelve to eleven, Trump argued that “the Constitution doesn’t say anything about how many months you have to have.”
“All of those smart guys like Jefferson and Madison, those beauties, this is something they didn’t think of,” he said. “I got them on the months.”
Trump said that eliminating November from the calendar was “long overdue,” calling it “a rigged month.”
“November is a hoax,” he said. “Some people say it may not even be a real month.”
Responding to a reporter’s question about the future of Thanksgiving, Trump said that “nobody will miss it.”
“Just ask anyone in this country,” he said. “Nobody has anything to be thankful for.
Trump Accuses Fauci of Using Fifty Years of Experience as Doctor to Win People’s Trust
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Unveiling a new conspiracy theory, Donald Trump on Tuesday accused Anthony Fauci of using his fifty years of experience as a doctor to win people’s trust.
Appearing on Fox News, Trump would not disclose the source of the theory, saying only, “This is something a lot of people are talking about.”
“Tony Fauci graduated first in his medical school class, in 1966, because he knew that would make him look good someday,” Trump told Sean Hannity. “He’s been planning this for a long, long time.”
Fauci went on to become a leading epidemiologist as part of a carefully plotted scheme to give himself credibility, Trump alleged.
“He spent years working on H.I.V., aids, Ebola, you name it,” Trump charged. “Anthony Fauci would stop at nothing to make himself look like an expert.”
Trump said he was baffled by polls showing that Americans overwhelmingly trust Fauci more than him when it comes to the coronavirus pandemic.
“There is zero difference between me and Tony Fauci, except for fifty years of so-called medical experience,” he said
I recommend finding and watching the speech mentioned in this article. It is worth the time to listen.
I have always liked strong, intelligent women. That was the only variety I would hire, when I was in the position to do so. In most cases, they were my best employees.
Only weak men resist intelligent women.
We have seen that the Conman-in-chief and his Republican enablers want to push the nation back to a “better” time, perhaps when slavery was legal. Now, we have learned that the country is headed back to the Middle Ages. A doctor was rolled out claiming that the corona virus is the work of witchcraft and aliens. Power of the evangelicals is increasing, because all must now believe in the work of the devil being behind the nation’s suffering, not Nature and the bungling of political non-leadership.
Aliens Issue Statement Asserting That Sex with Them Does Not Spread the Coronavirus
By Andy Borowitz
OUTER SPACE (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare public statement by beings from another planet, a group of prominent aliens declared on Wednesday that having sex with them does not spread the coronavirus.
In the statement, which the aliens published on Medium, the space creatures expressed concern that the dissemination of pseudoscience about sex with demons and alien DNA might cause some Earthlings to erroneously conclude that intimate relations with aliens were in some way a health risk.
“We can assure you, based on years of research, that it is perfectly safe for Earthlings to have sex with aliens,” the aliens wrote. “In this, as in all matters, it’s important to follow the science.”
The extraterrestrials added that the coronavirus pandemic had caused them to rethink their planned invasion of the planet Earth, which had been pencilled in for later this year.
The aliens indicated that they would now limit their invasion to places like Canada and New Zealand, but would avoid the United States.
Anyone who saw the movie Judge Dread, back in the 1990s, with Sylvester Stallone, surely thought they were watching science fiction. Well, reality can be stranger than fiction, as one sees happening in the new Dictatorship of America. Dread is on the streets without a judge.
Remenber that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
Rand Paul Thanks Tom Cotton for Replacing Him as Most Hated Person in Senate
By Andy Borowitz
Paul expressed surprise and no small amount of admiration at Cotton’s feat, telling reporters that being ousted from the most-detested perch was “something that, quite frankly, I didn’t see coming.”
“When I started attacking Dr. Fauci, I pretty much thought I had the title sewn up,” Paul said. “What I didn’t count on was that someone like Tom was going to come out of nowhere, saying slavery was necessary.”
According to Senate insiders, Cotton beat out a daunting field of competitors for Senator Paul’s crown, including Mitch McConnell, Susan Collins, and Ted Cruz.
While he praised Cotton’s audacity in snatching the most-loathed mantle, Paul warned that keeping the title for the long haul is another challenge altogether.
“Becoming despised is easy—staying despised is what separates the men from the boys,” Paul said. “Having said that, I firmly believe that Tom Cotton has what it takes.”
Headline from the Daily Mail: (They love to point out how "great" America is!)
“Section of Donald Trump's 'indestructible' border wall COLLAPSES as Tropical Storm Hanna lashes south Texas”
There are any number of metaphors in this image…
Any joke I make would fall flat!
Well, I missed the Neowise comet.
I saw the headlines announcing its imminent visit to Earth and thought about finding a spot to look. Then, I forgot or was too lazy to leave the house at night.
Not a problem. The comet will be back in 6800 years.
I notice that time seems to be speeding up, so that point will be here rather quickly. I promise to leave the house to look…
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.