Trump Says Seven-Hour Gap in January 6th Phone Calls Due to Shark Marathon on Discovery
By Andy Borowitz
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—After the House select committee investigating January 6th revealed that there was a seven-hour gap in Donald J. Trump’s phone records for that day, the former President said that the hiatus was caused by a marathon of shark documentaries on the Discovery Channel.
“I was flipping around the channels, and suddenly I see the sharks,” he said. “I never miss the sharks.”
Trump said that the moment he saw that Discovery was airing shark documentaries, he turned off his phone and did not turn it on again until the marathon had concluded.
“I’m told I was watching the sharks for seven, maybe eight hours,” he said. “Quite frankly, I wasn’t paying attention to the time. I was paying attention to the sharks.”
Trump lashed out at critics of his behavior on January 6th and claimed that, by monitoring the sharks, he was “protecting the country.”
“Sleazy Adam Schiff might have a problem with me saving the country from sharks, but that’s the President’s job,” he said. “Sharks are horrible people.”
One more in the never-ending rants about what’s wrong with the United States of Screwing People:
Of course, this is just one of many similar stories.
Buffalo, New York, will use taxpayer money to build a new stadium for the billionaire owner of a football team. This will surely be justified by illusory “rent” payments.
This structure will be used a handful of times each year and remain empty and useless for the rest of the year.
Of course, this is a much better use of taxpayer money than a hospital—which will be used every day of the year, but for poor people—or improving schools or…just about any other way to waste the money.
But, since all politicians are owned by somebody or some corporation, this is to be expected and will continue to happen in god’s chosen land.
There is little hope for a nation, when a major network is allowed to peddle lies during war with another nation, one that is a strategic enemy.
Lies seem to matter more than laws in the United States.
A war is raging in Ukraine. People are dying needlessly because to a madman wants to boost his ego.
What’s the biggest news in the United States?
A Black man slapped another Black man on television.
"Negotiations" are taking place in Turkey, a NATO country that refuses to denounce the Russian invasion of a peaceful neighbour.
How do Ukrainian negotiators sit at a table across from representatives of a nation that has invaded their country, destroyed their property, killed innocent men, women, and children, and lied about what the entire world (except Russian citizens) can see on television each day?
Ginni Thomas Accuses Critics of Ignoring Her Thirty Years of Service as Supreme Court Justice
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Assailed for her texts to the former White House chief of staff Mark Meadows, Ginni Thomas accused her critics of ignoring her three decades of exemplary service as a Supreme Court Justice.
“For the past thirty years, I have listened to oral arguments, studied legal precedents, and written opinions,” Thomas said. “All in all, I am confident that I have earned a place in history as one of our nation’s greatest Supreme Court Justices.”
Thomas said that, after reading some of the criticism that she has received for her texts, she was “shocked, and quite frankly hurt, that my stellar Supreme Court record could be so casually swept aside.”
“I have given thirty years of my life to the Supreme Court, and this is the thanks I get?” she asked.
Thirty years ago, I made my first visit to Russia. Much has changed on the surface; little has unchanged underneath.
After the first impression made by an airport lit seemingly by 25-watt bulbs, one departs the airport and spots a monument from World War 2. It marks the closest German soldiers approached Moscow. Surprisingly, this is about the same distance as Russian soldiers have approached Kyiv. I wonder if anyone else has noticed.
At the time, the government limousine carrying me to the government guest house was the only car on the highway. Traffic now clogs the streets. A banquet was held in my honor, because I was bringing money for the Olympic team to attend the upcoming games. About one hundred people gathered around tables laden with food and drink (vodka, wine, Crimean “champagne”). I would have been happy with a small dinner party, but learned that such banquets were a means of bribing and reward. My being there was merely an excuse to spend government budgets.
Media reports suggest that sanctions will soon cause lines to appear in front of food shops, as they did when I first visited Moscow. This was in contrast to the copious food of the banquet enjoyed by government offiicials. I learned that there were two Russias: one visible to the world and its citizenry and one behind closed doors. To show you how I was fooled: I had packed energy bars and instant noodles, fearing that I might not find enough to eat!
I also learned that I might be a honoured guest, carted around in a huge limousine, wined and dined, and put up in the largest suite in town. I was given an “interpreter”—a young, attractive woman—even though all the people I dealt with spoke English. I later learned my luck in not needing her services—at the dinner table and those implied for later—because I learned that my VIP suite came with cameras aimed at the bed from the next room.
Russia will always remain interesting and a mystery. Some things will change, but many will remain the same as they have for centuries
If anyone had doubts about the dishonesty of the Supreme Court (I never did!) when it comes to political affiliation, then consider a wife of a dodgy judge colluding with Republicans to support and/or commit insurrection. Just one the many "crimes" of an evil person.
Just when you thought politics could not become more absurd…
The Clown/Crook-with-the-Funny-Hair is suing Hillary Clinton over something ridiculous about the 2016 election. Perhaps the jerk forgot that she conceded gracefully, probably because he understand nothing about the concept.
Failure to Rattle Jackson Sends Cruz Fleeing to Cancun
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Ted Cruz’s abject failure to rattle the Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson at her confirmation hearing sent him fleeing to Cancun on Tuesday night.
Cruz, spotted by reporters while rolling his suitcase through Reagan National Airport, said that he was “thoroughly drained” after strenuously trying to find a crack in Jackson’s equanimous demeanor.
“When I asked her if she thought babies were racist, I was sure that would do the trick,” he said. “That was the best I had.”
Drenched with flop sweat, a despondent Cruz left the Senate and immediately started packing his rolling bag for Cancun, hoping that a few days on the beach in Mexico would leave him refreshed and ready to pursue a new line of attack against Jackson.
“I may have lost the battle, but I haven’t lost the war,” he said. “I think America needs to know where Judge Jackson stands on Mr. Potato Head, Big Bird, and the Smurfs.”
Republicans Accuse Supreme Court Nominee of Being Chosen by Biden
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering attack on the Supreme Court nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson, Senate Republicans accused the judge of having been nominated by President Biden.
Senator Josh Hawley led the charge, telling reporters that he had “conclusive evidence” linking Jackson to Biden.
“Judge Jackson met with Biden, talked to Biden, and allowed herself to be nominated by Biden,” Hawley said. “Three strikes, you’re out.”
Senator Mitch McConnell called Jackson’s apparent ties to Biden “gravely troubling.”
“Unless Judge Jackson is prepared to prove, under oath, that she has not been nominated by President Biden, I would call her confirmation a lost cause,” McConnell said.
Hawley said that, in the event that Jackson is not confirmed, there are a number of candidates who would be acceptable to him, including Alex Jones, the My Pillow guy, and the QAnon shaman.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.