QUEEN OFFERS TO RESTORE BRITISH RULE OVER UNITED STATES
By Andy Borowitz
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America.
Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”
“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said.
The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”
Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”
Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person “very occasionally.”
I spent a few minutes trying to think what caused the United States to go off the rails. Like seeking Patient Zero of an epidemic, I finally landed on Nixon losing the election to Kennedy in 1960. Up until this point, nothing so bad as a Catholic president had befallen the nation founded by protestants.
Angry white, male Republicans became so unhinged, that they decided the only way to save the ailing nation was to kill it…which they have been doing ever since. The first attempt was with Goldwater, but that was a bridge to far and too early. Nixon was a safer choice, because his nasty side had been hidden in Eisenhower’s benevolent shadow. Of course, as we all know, his paranoia set the Party of No back a decade. It took an actor to fool Americans into believing Republican lies and letting the country slip backwards.
The unhinged did not reckon with the still-beating heart of an injured patient and were shocked by the election of a Black president. The unhinged became even more unhinged. Little did they know that the shock could get worse: the possibility of woman president.
Is it any wonder that a (Republican) FBI Director would play a role in stopping this next disaster—their minds—and creating a worse one?
I first heard of Nietzsche in a Sunday sermon repudiating his teachings. I was a teenager at a boarding school associated with the Episcopal Church: we were required to attend frequent church services. The minister was trying to convince those in attendance of the value of Christianity and the evil of free thought, despite the fact that the school was teaching us to think. This was about the time I was dumped by the first love of my life, convincing me that no just deity could exist. Rather than convincing me of the evil of Nietzsche, I was introduced to a brilliant mind. Only later did I discover other philosophical thinkers, such as Marx and Hegel (who influenced Marx). Hegel was, perhaps, more blunt than Nietzsche…and certainly deserved denunciation at one of those Sunday sermons. (Perhaps he was, but I did not pay attention.) The following is an excerpt from a New Yorker piece. I like the bit about IS.
Hegel argued that history was the progress of humanity toward true freedom, by which he meant self-mastery and self-understanding, seeing the world without illusions—illusions that we ourselves have created. The Young Hegelians’ controversial example of this was the Christian God. (This is what Feuerbach wrote about.) We created God, and then pretended that God created us. We hypostatized our own concept and turned it into something “out there” whose commandments (which we made up) we struggle to understand and obey. We are supplicants to our own fiction.
Concepts like God are not errors. History is rational: we make the world the way we do for a reason. We invented God because God solved certain problems for us. But, once a concept begins impeding our progress toward self-mastery, it must be criticized and transcended, left behind. Otherwise, like the members of the Islamic State today, we become the tools of our Tool.
What makes it hard to discard the tools we have objectified is the persistence of the ideologies that justify them, and which make what is only a human invention seem like “the way things are.” Undoing ideologies is the task of philosophy.
COMEY PRAISES BRAVE F.B.I. AGENTS WHO HAD TO TOUCH ANTHONY WEINER’S COMPUTERBy
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—James Comey, the embattled director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation, presided over a special ceremony on Friday evening to commend the brave F.B.I. agents who had to touch Anthony Weiner’s computer.
In awarding the commendations to the agents, whom Comey called “the bravest men and women this country has to offer,” the F.B.I. director criticized the political uproar that he said had overshadowed “their selfless acts of heroism.”
“These agents have performed far and beyond the call of duty,” a visibly angry Comey said. “I know we’re eleven days away from an election and tensions are running high, but we shouldn’t let that subtract in any way from what these brave agents did with their own hands.”
“Who among us could look at ourselves in the mirror and say, ‘I have what it takes to touch Anthony Weiner’s computer’?” Comey asked. “I know I sure as hell couldn’t.”
Harland Dorrinson, one of the agents who received the official commendation, acknowledged that touching Weiner’s computer was “the toughest mission I’ve been on” since signing up with the F.B.I. “I spent two weeks undercover in El Chapo’s drug cartel, and this was much scarier,” he said.
The United States has lectured the world incessantly on democracy. Sadly, the current election spectacle will surely cast a dark shadow over such lectures, as well as cause a snicker or two.
Even worse, supporters of the crook with the funny hair and short attention span are suggesting that a new revolutionary war will follow his loss. These people are not too smart, because they do not know history or understand revolution. Revolting against a democratically elected leader is called anarchy.
NATION UNSURE IT CAN TOLERATE THIRTEEN MORE DAYS OF RUDY GIULIANI
By Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—With thirteen days until his scheduled return to oblivion, many Americans are unsure if they can tolerate that much additional exposure to Rudy Giuliani, a leading psychologist said on Wednesday.
As millions of Americans actively count down the days until Giuliani disappears forever, thirteen more days of him “seems like a lifetime,” Davis Logsdon, a psychologist who has been studying the Giuliani ordeal, said.
“Americans’ traumatic experience of Rudy Giuliani in 2016 has gone through several phases,” Logsdon said. “First, they struggled to remember who he was. Then, once they remembered, they recoiled in horror. Finally, they began actively wishing he would go away forever. That is the phase many people find themselves in today.”
Even as they long for the day when Giuliani resumes his rightful place in obscurity, many Americans are experiencing feelings of anger and disbelief that he was permitted to crawl back into their consciousness to begin with, Logsdon said.
“Of the many inexcusable things that cable news has done this election, repeatedly subjecting Americans to Rudy Giuliani is at the top of the list,” he said. “The human cost has been enormous.”
As they struggle to endure the final thirteen days of Rudy Giuliani, Americans should not feel isolated or alone, Logsdon said. “They need to know that there are millions of people just like them, and even more who are unsure if they can stand another thirteen days of Kellyanne Conway,” he said.
One has several choices of transportation from Heathrow Airport to London and back: taxi, limousine, Underground, Heathrow Express. There must be a bus service, but I have never tried this…and hope I never have to. Taxi can be the most-expensive method, depending upon how you order a limousine, and is rather uncomfortable for a car. Traffic is a factor, meaning that rail options can be faster. The Heathrow Express is faster than the Undergound, but more expensive and it ends at Paddington Stations, meaning that you need to take a taxi or the Underground for the rest of your journey to a hotel. Amount of luggage plays a role in the decision, because both the Heathrow Express and Underground require long walks at both ends.
After arriving at Heathrow, we chose the Heathrow Express. We had plenty of time and light luggage, partially empty and in need of filling: one of the reasons we came. The trip cost about 60 pounds: 45 for the train and 15 for the taxi. The long walks at each end cost nothing and the hassle of rolling suit cases was acceptable. On the return, having heavy suitcases and hand luggage, I decided to ask the concierge about the cost of a hotel car. Since the cost was lower than I remember paying for a taxi to Heathrow, I ordered the car. So, for less money and not much more than the train and taxi, we rode to the airport in Mercedes limousine. No hassle. No lugging: the bellboy put the bags in the car and the driver took them out; a short walk from the hotel entrance to the car and from the car to the terminal. Easy.
Unexpectedly, the ride did include something unusual: another car side-swiped the Mercedes. The cars touched in the middle, so our car was not pushed into a spin. The driver stopped and took the details from the other driver, who admitted to being inattentive. The delay was minimal, and we were lucky.
This was not the first time that I have suffered “incidents” on the way to or from an airport. Once, on the way to Phuket Airport, the taxi engine died on an uninhabited stretch of the highway. I saw myself missing the flight and being stuck without a hotel. Surprisingly, another taxi stopped and offered to take me to the airport. Another time, on the way to Frankfurt Airport with the family to catch the night flight to Bangkok, the taxi driver was stupid enough to drive over a piece of metal, which punctured the oil pan. I saw us missing the flight and our vacation in the sun ruined, but was able to run to a phone booth and summon the saving grace of another taxi. Still another time, the taxi taking me from LAX to the hotel in West Hollywood was rear-ended on La Cienaga. I watched the driver—Ukrainian—discuss the damage with the other driver—Filipino—and his passenger—Thai and realised that I was the only US citizen in this picture….and I did not reside in the country. Soon afterwards, I received a letter from some lawyer wanting to represent me in a law suit claiming whiplash. I ignored the offer.
Now, I wonder if I will receive a similar letter from an English lawyer…
There was a time when anyone could pour a cup of coffee for a restaurant customer. Many places had a ready-made pot heating all day; others had a machine that required pushing a button. Milk came in a small pitcher or single-portion plastic container.
Now that coffee places have sprung up like inedible mushrooms after rain, making coffee has become an “art”. People make a big deal out of nothing. During is out. Only something called a Barrista is allowed to handle the daunting task of creating a cup of coffee. What the hell is a barista? I wonder if this is like Starbucks using funny names for simple cup sizes.
TRUMP SURGES AHEAD OF CLINTON IN POLL CONDUCTED BY HIS BRAIN
By Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump has surged ahead of Hillary Clinton in a new poll conducted by Trump’s brain.
The poll, taken after Trump’s brain perceived that he demolished Clinton in the third and final Presidential debate, shows him ahead of Clinton, sixty-four per cent to thirty-one per cent.
In a sign that his criticism of Clinton has been just fantastic, a majority of imaginary voters in Trump’s head agree that she is a “nasty woman,” with more than seventy per cent calling her “crooked,” “sad,” and a “disgrace.”
In more incredibly amazing good news for the G.O.P. nominee, Trump’s brain reports that his standing with women has markedly improved, with ninety per cent calling him “extremely handsome” and “sexy.”
According to Trump’s brain, the poll has no margin of error, absolutely none, it’s a tremendous poll, you just can’t believe how great this poll is.
I have learned in life that the best time to visit a country is soon after the currency devalues. If you wait, then prices will increase to reflect the increased cost of purchasing goods. This is rather exploitive, but I do not care. I am cheap and like to save money.
The English pound has fallen significantly recently, because people (outside the government and idiots that voted to leave the European Union) have little faith in the future of an insignificant island off the coast of Europe.
With so many bargains in the shops, one is forced to rely on discipline to prevent providing the economy too much of a boost. As I wander the streets and look at buildings, monuments, and companies that have been serving plunderers for centuries, I am reminded of how much wealth and privilege in this country originated in the colonies.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.