Trump to Announce He Has Won 2024 Election
By Andy Borowitz
ORLANDO (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump will use his speech at the Conservative Political Action Conference this weekend to announce that he has won the 2024 Presidential election.
According to leaked text from his cpac speech, Trump will claim that he won the 2024 election in a landslide and “everybody knows it.”
Trump will further state that any attempt to allege that the year 2024 has not arrived yet and is, in fact, not scheduled to occur until three years from now is “a rigged hoax.”
“This should never be allowed to happen in our country,” he will assert.
Asked whether he would support Trump’s contention that the year 2024 is not three years away, Mitch McConnell, the Senate Minority Leader, said, “If he said that? Of course.”
It appears that all the evangelical Republicans swarming around an event in Orlando have forgotten/ignored the message of the Bibles they constantly wave in other people’s faces and from which pages they mine senseless platitudes to mouth. There isa bit, rather early on in a rather long and boring book, about not worshipping idols. At some point, a guy called Moses took a hike and came back with a bunch of rules to make life on this planet forever less pleasant, starting with the prohibition of idols of gold.
How soon they forget…but humans have not changed since the days mentioned on the first pages of that book of myths, so we should not be surprised that stupid people are falling back on the ways of pagans.
Trump’s Taxes Reveal He Claimed Ted Cruz as Dependent
By Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In the first major bombshell to emerge from the handover of Donald J. Trump’s tax returns, the Manhattan district attorney has announced that the former President claimed Senator Ted Cruz as a dependent.
Speaking to reporters, Cyrus Vance, Jr., said that listing the Texas senator as a dependent was “highly unorthodox, to say the least.”
“For this deduction to be allowed, we would certainly need some documentation proving that Mr. Trump had adopted Mr. Cruz, or something to that effect,” Vance added.
From his home in Palm Beach, Trump issued a terse rebuttal to Vance’s statement. “Ted Cruz is my little baby, and everyone knows it,” Trump said.
The tax imbroglio turned a spotlight on Cruz, who was suddenly under pressure to clarify his legal relationship with the ex-President.
“If it turns out that I am, in fact, Donald Trump’s little baby, that will be the greatest honor of my life,” Cruz told reporters.
Anyone following current events in the United States would have difficulty believing that the Republican Party was the one driving abolition of slavery in the 1800s and that the Democratic Party fought bitterly to prevent passage of laws against slavery.
Scientists know that the earth’s magnetic field, occasionally, does flip. I wonder if this explains political parties flipping 180 degrees.
Ron Johnson Calls Hillary’s Absence from Insurrection Videos Suspicious
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—During the Senate hearing on the U.S. Capitol attack, Senator Ron Johnson called the absence of Hillary Clinton from the videos of the insurrection “highly suspicious.”
“I’ve combed through hours of these videos looking for Hillary Clinton, and there’s no logical explanation for why she’s not there,” Johnson said. “Except, of course, for the obvious one: she is disguised as a Trump supporter.”
The Wisconsin senator said that, with Clinton’s “history of deception,” impersonating a Trump supporter on January 6th would be “just another day at the office” for the former Secretary of State.
“How hard would it be for Hillary Clinton to put on some horns and fur pelts and paint her face red, white, and blue?” he asked. “That is vintage Hillary.”
Johnson called for Clinton to be subpoenaed immediately to answer questions about her “vanishing act” in the January 6th videos. “She has a lot of explaining to do,” he said.
There is a certain type of person, who would rather spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on lawyers and tax advisors than pay any taxes. Feeding hungry scavengers is preferable to helping the common good.
These same people are happy to grease the palms of legislators, whose job is to create laws to help these people avoid taxes.
Money that could be used to help society is divert to those that need it the least. All it does is feed their greed and egos.
Trump Regrets Not Naming Ivanka, Eric, and Don, Jr., to Supreme Court
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump said on Monday that his “greatest regret” as President was his failure to name his three adult children to the United States Supreme Court.
Appearing on Fox News, Trump said that Ivanka, Eric, and Don, Jr., would be “way better judges” than “those three clowns” whom he did name.
“Gorsuch, Kavanaugh, and Barrett are the worst people who have ever worked for me,” he said. “And that includes Scaramucci.”
When the Supreme Court was deciding whether New York prosecutors could obtain his tax returns, Trump said, “none of those three boneheads even called to ask me what they should do. No gratitude whatsoever.”
He said that “laws needed to be changed” to keep Supreme Court Justices from “thinking for themselves.”
“This should never be allowed to happen in our country,” he sai
Germany is a country known for order, discipline, and technical excellence. They are not known as a leader in computer technology…or as even much of a follower.
The German government had, most likely, good intentions in pushing for strict data protection laws. Now, those laws are hindering the protection of citizens suffering in a pandemic.
Although there is a national register of citizens, that is not available too individual states, which are responsible for the roll-out of vaccinations. Each state has its own system and own procedures, none of which are coordinated and probably not compatible with the national government or other states. People are not only falling through the cracks when trying to get a vaccination, they are not even on the floor…despite being in the national register
All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.
A priest, a rabbi, and imman walk into a bar…
The surprised bartender asks: “What’ll you have?”
The three holy men exchange glances and shrug.
“We’ll have whatever Abraham drinks,” replied the rabbi, the one from the oldest religion. “Basically, we all worship his god.”
The bartender’s assistant looks surprised and asks:
“Is that a joke?”
The bartender shakes his head.
“I’ve learned that religion is no joking matter. I don’t want these guys to start killing each other.”
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.