Millions Bummed that It Wasn’t Clarence Thomas
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As reports of a United States Supreme Court Justice retiring spread on Wednesday, millions of Americans were bummed that it wasn’t Clarence Thomas.
In interviews across the country, Americans revealed that their momentary elation was followed by deep disappointment when they learned that a jurist other than Thomas was departing the bench.
“When I heard that someone on the Court had retired, my first thought was, Please, please, please let it be Thomas,” said Carol Foyler, who lives in Milwaukee. “I guess it was too good to be true.”
“I’m grateful that Breyer is leaving the Court at a time when President Biden will be able to nominate his replacement,” Stacy Klugian, who resides in Nashville, said. “Still, it totally blows that it wasn’t Thomas.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in San Mateo, had a more positive view of the day’s events. “Stephen Breyer has earned a wonderful retirement,” he said. “And I hope he sends back a lot of postcards to the Court showing him on amazing vacations, and that makes that bastard Thomas decide to retire, too.”
Russia is the news every day, so I have been thinking about the past. I never wanted to go to Russia, especially in the winter, but was compelled to travel to Moscow on business in January 1992. After that, I returned several times and saw things few people saw. Unlike the French in the 1800s, the Americans in 1918, or the Germans in 1939, I was not invading; I was bringing money.
My first attempt took me two days to travel from Frankfurt to Moscow. No, I was not on a train. The first of the three hour flights ended up circling Moscow airport—a plane had skidded off the runway in a snowstorm—and returning when the fuel ran low. The second days was more successful. I recall staring out the window at the vast expanse of snow-covered Poland and Belarus, thinking about how the survivors of Napoleon’s march to Russia were forced to struggle home on foot. I had brought enough warm clothes, in case a similar fate awaited. I had also packed food—CNN showed daily the lines of people waiting for food—and a shortwave radio to stay in touch with the outside world.
My first view out the window in the last bit of light on a dreary afternoon—the sun sets early in northern latitudes—was soldier circling the plane in the light snowfall. I had visions of being arrested, as I had seen in so many films in the past of the Cold War. It turned out, they were merely protecting the plane from looters. Times were tough in Russia, following the collapse of the Soviet Union.
The government limousine that carried me in to the city was the only vehicle, besides the occasional over-filled bus, on the multi-lane highway. The first thing one I saw, after the billboards of Asia brands lining the exit road, was the monument marking the limit of the Nazi advance towards Moscow in 1940. Napoleon made; the Germans did not. The only people were those huddled at bus stops on the highway into the city. Dim lights shone through trees from the high-rise apartment buildings surrounding the city. Even inside the city, few cars were on the road.
We passed the Lubyanka, familiar from news reports, which looked just as ominous. Few lights shone. Driving around a corner, the Kremlin suddenly appeared, glittering in the snow and few lights. A huge red star still perched on a tower. On a later trip, I would go inside and see how it was merely a hollowed out hulk (but since then revitalised). Russia was at its nadir; things could not become much worse.
On my many trips, I saw thing that few have seen and had experiences I am pleased to have had. Many myths about the Soviet Union and communism were proven false.
Biden Proves Mental Sharpness by Accurately Identifying Peter Doocy
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Biden silenced critics of his mental sharpness on Monday by correctly identifying Peter Doocy of Fox News.
After Doocy asked the President a question, Biden made an impressive display of his mental acuity by conclusively demonstrating that he knew who Doocy was.
While some have questioned whether Biden, who is seventy-nine, has the cognitive powers necessary to serve as President, his spot-on description of the Fox White House correspondent seemed to put those doubts to rest.
“The President was faced with a cognitive test—‘Who is Peter Doocy?’—and he nailed it,” one observer said. “This leaves ‘person, woman, man, camera, TV’ in the dust.”
I noticed a report about the US President calling a spade a spade. He was overheard calling a Fox Lies “reporter” a stupid son of a bitch. If anyone has seen this jerk play his disruptive role at White House press conferences, then you know the president was correct. The guy does not report, he provokes. He is not there to inform viewers; he is there to fulfil the networks mission of deceit and misinformation.
The Republican hypocrisy machine is running at full tilt. People who conducted aggressive Congressional and Senate investigations in a minor incident which took place in a country no American can find on a map, refuse to take part in an investigation into a major incident happening on the doorstep to the building in which they work.
Hillary Clinton Helpfully Suggests that Republicans Look at Trump’s E-mails
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After the Supreme Court authorized the release of Donald J. Trump’s documents related to the Capitol insurrection, Hillary Clinton recommended that congressional Republicans examine the former President’s e-mails.
“I know that Republicans have thousands of documents to go through,” she said. “But, if I were them, I’d take a close look at Trump’s e-mails.”
Clinton said that she had “no idea” what is in Trump’s e-mails, but added, “Given how hard he tried to keep them from being released, those must be some e-mails.”
The former Secretary of State acknowledged that her advice to Republicans was “probably not necessary.”
“My memory of congressional Republicans is that they are very diligent investigators who leave no stone unturned,” she said. “I’m sure they’ve been spending every waking hour trying to get their hands on Donald Trump’s e-mails. They must be so excited to finally have them.”
Trump Blasts Biden for Failing to Overthrow U.S. Government in His First Year
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has accused Joe Biden of failing to overthrow the United States government during his first year as President.
In an appearance on Fox News, Trump claimed that Biden “hasn’t even come close” to leading an insurrection against the federal government, despite having had “many, many” opportunities to do so.
“You look at all the things Joe has at his disposal, and it’s unbelievable, O.K.?” Trump told Tucker Carlson. “He’s got the Justice Department. He’s got the Army. He has all those things, and he doesn’t even manage one little insurrection? Joe Biden is a disgrace.”
“If he promises to overthrow the government now, I wouldn’t believe him, because I think he’s too low-energy to do it, quite frankly,” he said. “I knew Sleepy Joe was sleepy, but he’s even sleepier than I thought. I call him Comatose Joe.”
Republicans keep banging on about the Constitution, especially where guns are concerned, but do not seem to have read the bit about equality. If they have, they think that it means this applies only to Republican…white…men…
The US “experiment” in democracy is just that. An experiment doomed to failure.
DeSantis Betting That Republicans Want a Stupider Version of Trump
By Andy Borowitz
TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—As he explores a bid for the 2024 Republican Presidential nomination, Governor Ron DeSantis is betting that G.O.P. voters are looking for a stupider version of Donald J. Trump.
According to a source close to DeSantis, the Florida Governor has decided to “run to the stupid of Trump” to pick up the support of voters who now consider the former President too intellectual.
“When Trump recently said that he got the booster, that was the last straw,” the source said. “In the eyes of a lot of Republicans, Trump is basically Fauci now.”
“Trump’s surrender to science is a slippery slope,” the source added. “It’s only a matter of time before he starts flirting with geography and grammar.” As DeSantis stakes his claim to the dumber-than-Trump lane, he spoke at a fund-raising event over the weekend.
“Donald Trump believes that one plus one equals two,” the Governor told his audience. “I think the American people should be free to decide for themselves what one plus one equals.”
Some things are ordered by nature.
The sun always rises in the East.
Seasons follow one another in the same order each year.
Democrats call for control of guns after a mass shooting…and nothing happens.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.