Biden Thanks Arizona G.O.P. for Letting Him Relive Greatest Victory of His Life
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an extraordinary expression of gratitude to his political foes, President Biden thanked the Arizona G.O.P. for allowing him to relive the most glorious victory of his life.
Speaking from the White House, Biden said, “The election was almost a year ago, and the memory of that amazing achievement had really started to fade. Thanks to the Arizona Republicans, all those wonderful memories have begun flooding back.”
The President added that he was indebted to the Arizona G.O.P. for “giving me a lift when I needed it most.”
“Let me tell you, this job is a killer, Jack,” he said. “Some days can get very, very dark. But thanks to the Arizona Republicans there’s a smile on my face and a skip in my step again.”
Biden noted that Pennsylvania Republicans, following in the footsteps of their Arizona brethren, are about to let him relive his greatest win yet again. “All I can say is, thanks, man,” he said. “You guys are the best!”
Added to the list of all-time great “shoot yourself in the foot” blunders, add the Republican recount of the presidential election in Arizona. Not only did it prove that the result was called correctly, the biggest loser in history lost by an even higher margin.
Of course, the world’s biggest liar will still go around the county claiming victory without a shred of evidence beyond his delusion. This adds to proof of stupidity to Republican voters, who continue to believe the lies and send money to the grifter.
Trump Files Lawsuit After Finishing New York Times Story He Started in 2018
By Andy Borowitz
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump filed a hundred-million-dollar lawsuit after finishing a New York Times story that he started reading in 2018, the former President has confirmed.
“When I started reading the story three years ago, I saw my name in the headline and it made me happy,” Trump told reporters. “It said ‘Trump.’ I thought, This is probably going to be a good story.”
As he continued reading the story in 2019, he said, “It still didn’t seem so bad to me. I spent that year reading three or four paragraphs, and I didn’t really get the entire gist of the article.”
In 2020, Trump said, “I was busy with the election, so I didn’t get to read as much of the article as I would’ve liked. I maybe got through five, six more sentences. It mentioned my name a lot. ‘Trump.’ Still seemed O.K.”
Though Trump was ultimately able to finish the Times article this week, he accused its authors of making it intentionally difficult for him to read.
“Those so-called writers used many, many long words that I didn’t know—and Jared didn’t, either,” he said. “We had to ask Ivanka what they meant, and, quite frankly, she had to look a lot of them up. And those jokers won the Pulitzer for this crap? That should never be allowed to happen in this country.”
Oh, woe is Germany. Angie, the political leader often touted as the most powerful woman in the world, is stepping down. She doesn’t have to; she could run again in the upcoming national election. She has had enough; and who can blame her?
The good thing about German elections is that campaigns last only a few weeks, not endlessly as in the world’s greatest democracy (self-proclaimed illusion). One must listen to endless posturing and deceptive claims for only a short time, see uninspiring campaign posters beside the roads, and discuss options with others and then return to more of the same. Regardless who wins, nothing really changes.
The problem this time is that all the candidates for leadership of the country—a coalition is guaranteed, as no party has a potential to win more than 30%—are all so mediocre and bland. If is difficult to imagine any one of them running the country, much less confronting the leaders of the major nations—Russia, China, US—to say nothing of European partners. One can picture them as teachers or shopkeepers, but not as leader of a quarrelsome coalition trying to master the problems of a major industrial nation and member of the European Union.
If you want to see how ridiculous the legal system is—besides watching television shows or documentaries—just read the headlines about the ongoing circus surrounding claims against the second son of the old lady worshipped by (most) British citizens.
And, one understands that there are tules for the rich and rules for everyone else.
If this guy ran England, the world would be a better place...
Every nation has its fair share of hypocrites, because that is an untreatable human trait. History has shown that the biggest ones tend to be very religious, with one hand on the bible and one hand pointing at someone doing something they do when no one is looking.
Now, we have discovered where the world’s greatest hypocrites live: Texas. The men who live there criticise such groups as the Taliban for not respecting women’s rights, while doing all they can to just that at home. And, how about the politician telling women that “abstinence” is the way to avoid the need for an abortion? He certainly goes home and demands his wife service his base needs? Because that’s what god told him to do…
I have long been aware of the extent of stupidity in the human race. Lately, it has become apparent that political affiliation has an effect on the level of stupidity. This has come about because of a virus and the need to be inoculated for protection. Just consider how many idiots display their stupidity on national media outlets and social media. Too bad all those that die because of their own stupidity cannot have that thrown in their faces. Of course, most are/were shameless, so they would not understand how stupid they are/were.
The collusion between fear mongering politicians and the military industrial complex are at it again. Why else would Australia need nuclear submarines? Why else would a sparsely populated island far from any potential “enemy” and surrounded by water be a potential target for nuclear weapons? Sure, Australians have always been arrogant and over-confident, but that was fine in their own country. And, how about asking a midget—“Great” Britain—to join in making China shake in their boots?
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.