Trump Strips Citizenship from Children of Immigrants, Thus Disqualifying Himself from Presidency
By Andy Borowitz1
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Tuesday signed an executive order stripping the children of immigrant mothers of their citizenship, thus disqualifying himself from being President of the United States.
The constitutional crisis came to light moments after the signing ceremony, when a fourth grader visiting the Oval Office on a school tour pointed out the far-reaching legal ramifications of the order.
“Hey, wait, wasn’t your mother from Scotland?” the student, Tracy Klugian, asked. “That means you’re not a citizen and you can’t be President.”
Stephen Miller, a senior adviser to Trump and the author of the executive order, quickly grabbed the document from the Oval Office desk, panic spreading across his face as he reread it.
“Oh, my God,” Miller gasped. “What have I done?”
Trump immediately called Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh for help in voiding the executive order, but Kavanaugh was unable to take the call because he was “sleeping off a rough night,” an aide to the Justice said.
Asked to comment on Trump’s predicament, former President Barack Obama said, “I can’t imagine what it would be like not to be an American citizen. Of course, my mom was born here, so I’m good.”
Fox News Says Megyn Kelly’s Blackface Comments Not Racist Enough to Get Old Job Back
By Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The chief executive officer of Fox News said on Monday that Megyn Kelly’s nostalgic remarks about blackface were insufficiently racist for the right-wing cable channel to consider rehiring her.
“We at Fox have nothing but respect for Megyn’s achievements as a racist television personality,” Suzanne Scott, the Fox News C.E.O., said. “Having said that, we do not feel that her blackface comments represent her best work.”
Scott expressed concern that, by trying to tone down her racism for the morning-television audience on NBC, Kelly might have “gotten a little rusty, hate-wise.”
“We want to make it clear, though, that the door will always be open to Megyn Kelly at Fox News Channel,” the C.E.O. said. “If she’d like to put together an audition tape of racist screeds and dog whistles, we’d be more than happy to look at it.”
The country needs a leader; and what does it have? A conman and self-serving lawbreaker sits on the throne, jabbering diatribe. A simile would be a fireman pulling up to a blaze and having a truck full of gasoline instead of water. But, the guy is not smart enough to see the difference.
In a land where “all men are created equal”, they do not die equally. I wonder how Black citizens are reacting to the national sorrow over Jews being shot—just like Black citizens are every day—and then honoured with hollow words of a bigoted conman and with flags lowered to half mast. When Black worshippers were shot in a church in South Carolina, nothing of this sort happened. Equality is just one more myth foolish people continue to believe.
I find the shooting regrettable—like every other needless shooting in the Land of The Second Amendment—and merely another sign of the endless and unnecessary persecution of Jewish people. Not surprisingly, the shooter is--once again--a stupid white guy.
White House Staff Nervously Checking Whether Trump Retweeted Anything by Bombing Suspect
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after law enforcement apprehended the pipe-bombing suspect, Cesar Sayoc, in Florida, White House staffers scrambled to make sure that Donald J. Trump had never retweeted anything from Sayoc’s demented Twitter feed.
The alarm bells went off at the White House after the chief of staff, John Kelly, reviewed Sayoc’s feed, which is riddled with right-wing conspiracy theories and paranoid attacks on George Soros, and thought that some of the tweets “looked kind of familiar,” an aide to Kelly confirmed.
After spotting the similarities, Kelly enlisted Kellyanne Conway, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and Jared Kushner to comb through Trump’s Twitter feed and ascertain whether he had in fact retweeted any of the bombing suspect’s unhinged ravings.
As of late Friday afternoon, the team of staffers had not yet identified any retweets of the alleged pipe bomber by Trump, but cautioned that their work was “far from over,” a White House source said.
“We still have to go through Don, Jr., and Eric’s feeds and make sure they didn’t retweet any of Sayoc’s stuff,” the source said. “We’re all holding our breath right now.”
After checking out Hulu, Netflix, and other movie channels, I discover nothing that interested me enough to waste what valuable time I have left on this earth. At the end of my Hulu search, I spotted “Valley of the Dolls”, a movie I had seen years—decades—ago.
I vaguely recalled the story, but was immediately captivated by the opening winter scenes of old New England, which reminded me of my youth.
I paused the television and went to the kitchen in hope of finding an unused microwave popcorn in the cupboard. I did, so after three mixtures, I could start the show.
Overall, I was pleased with the film and happy to have used my valuable time. In my estimation, this is a story about character: good and bad; strong and weak. But, there is also a strong commentary on marriage throughout the story and with one significant line of dialogue: “When you fall in love, you belong to someone else.”
It was interesting to see scenes of beaches around Los Angeles before the real estate became over-built and over-crowded. Sharon Tate played a role, whose name will always be associated with Charles Manson and Roman Polanski rather than her acting career. Somewhat weirdly, there is a scene of her being wheeled out of a hotel by the coroner.
I did feel a twinge of nostalgia, seeing scenes of New England villages and woods in the snow. I was reminded of the phrase: you can never go hone again. Of course, now the places of my youth are different now and very different from the world in which I live.
You gotta love Barbra Streisand…and not for her voice, songs, or movies!
Spies Eavesdropping on Trump Complain He Is Speaking in Indecipherable Language
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Russian and Chinese spies who have been eavesdropping on Donald J. Trump’s unsecured iPhone calls complained on Thursday that he has foiled their efforts by speaking in a language that is infuriatingly indecipherable.
According to the spies, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, what they had hoped would be a treasure trove of valuable intercepts has amounted to little more than unintelligible gibberish.
“Trump has been communicating in an impenetrable code entirely of his own creation,” a Chinese spy said. “These phone calls might as well be triple-encrypted.”
A Russian spy who has monitored Trump’s calls around the clock said that the only words that could be identified clearly were “I” and “me,” but that they were used so frequently that they became virtually meaningless.
Both the Russians and the Chinese have given their top cryptologists the task of decoding Trump’s utterances, but many of these experts have quit within days, complaining of burnout, headaches, and depression.
“Trying to decipher Trump’s calls has reduced some of our top codebreakers to tears,” one Russian spymaster said. “They all miss Obama.”
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.