Watching news reports from Hanoi, I had one thought: Pillsbury Doughboy. Here was a a very modern, progressive meeting with a white and a yellow muffin. Of course, unlike with the real thing, this was not an appealing feast for the eyes. The Pillsbury Doughboy is cuddly; these two are repulsive.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders Warns Michael Cohen to Leave Lying to Professionals
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As he prepared to testify to Congress on Wednesday, the former Trump lawyer Michael D. Cohen received a thorough scolding from the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, who warned Cohen to “leave lying to the professionals.”
“You probably think you can step up to the microphone and lie like it’s the easiest thing in the world,” she said. “Well, you should try doing it each and every day, and then tell me how easy it is.”
Sanders drew a sharp distinction between professional liars who take pride in their work and liars like Cohen, whom she called “strictly amateur.”
“Michael Cohen has never demonstrated that he is willing to put in the hard work, practice, and sheer drudgery of becoming a great liar,” she said. “This is definitely one of those ten-thousand-hours things.”
She said she hoped if American children watch Cohen’s “pathetic performance” before Congress that they do not get the wrong idea about America’s liars. “Kids need to know that there are many well-trained and highly professional liars in this country, and many of them are right here in the White House,” she said.
Lexophile describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune
a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or "to write with a broken pencil is
pointless." An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who
can create the best original lexophile.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery!
If you don't pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down .
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd
swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare centre where a three-year-old was
resisting a rest .
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end.
Once again, the Catholic Church has proven that “god” and “satan” are human myths. A statement from the Vatican reveals that sexual abuse of young boys is the work of satan. We all know that evil men are the real the culprits…and not some myth.
An Australian courts has done what US courts and the Vatican has avoided. Finally.
The taste of a cake is supposed to have unlocked a chamber in Proust’s mind holding memories of his past. Occasionally, music does that for me.
While reading, I like to listen to classical music because of its non-intrusive nature. Tonight a piece by Lizt, Hungarian Rhapsody No. 2, came on and sparked a memory…
When I was 14, a Canadian family moved into a house recently built on a plot of land my father had sold behind the house in which we lived. The man worked for the Tetley Tea company and had two daughters: one was 16 and the other was older. The younger one was more attractive; the older one had a boyfriend. The young one, her name was Cathy, was spirited and needed a friend, not having had a chance to start school and meet people. We hung out together; she had a driver’s license and access to a car. She was a girl friend and not a girlfriend. I do not recall kissing, although we spent much time together. I remember that her father always teased me, but never nagged the older daughter’s boyfriend, who one might call a bit of a “greaser”. When confronted, the father said that he only teased people he liked, a response which told me many things.
What does Lizt have to do with this? The Tetley Tea company produced an LP (that’s what people call today vinyl) with a compilation of classical tunes. I received one a present…which is the kind of thing every teenage boy wants to receive. Shortly thereafter, I went off to private school and my family moved to a new house. I kept and listened to LP for many years, especially on long, cold Vermont winter nights in college. I never saw Cathy again…
Every time I hear the Hungarian Rhapsody, I must think of that record and that brief time in my life long ago…
Some human reactions are predictable. One kind in particular is the standard response to the Academy Awards each years.
If someone liked a film and it wins, then the Academy is wise. If a film wins, which someone did not like, then the Academy has committed a crime. One’s judgment is always superior that that of the jury, so all arguments pro or con are ignored.
At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is personal enjoyment. Who cares who wins?
Rosie O’Donnell Chosen To Read Audiobook of Mueller Report
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The comedian Rosie O’Donnell will narrate the audiobook of Robert Mueller’s long-awaited report, the special counsel’s office confirmed, on Saturday.
Explaining the selection of O’Donnell, a spokesperson for Mueller said, “Donald Trump has complained about how much this report has cost, and Rosie has agreed to narrate it for free. In fact, she offered to pay us to let her narrate it.”
Speaking to reporters, O’Donnell called the job of narrating Mueller’s report “the acting job of a lifetime.”
“I never thought I’d get the chance to play so many twisted characters,” she said. “I mean, when else am I going to get to be both Ivanka and Jared? People are gonna freaking love listening to this in the car.”
She said that she fully expected Trump to be one of those listeners. “He’s not a big reader, that’s for sure,” she said. “And I think it’s best that he hear what’s in the report from me.”
Unable to avoid coverage of the idiotic decision of the UK to leave the European Union, the rabid speakers proclaiming the benefits of cutting off an arm to save a lively body remind me of evangelical preachers trying to convince people of the joy the Rapture will deliver. Even if they lack the common sense to walk away, those in latter group have the choice of avoiding personal disaster.
Any sane person can only shake his or her head and wonder how so many people can be so stupid and weak. People in North Korea and Venezuela—to name only two examples—let themselves starve and be mistreated, while the leaders and their enablers (usually well-fed and well-paid military folks) enjoy life. Others, such as the deluded pinnacles of enlightened democracy in “Great” Britain, listen to idiotic politicians talk garbage and lead them down a path to suffering. How can anyone in his or her right mind, given the interconnectivity of world economies, decide to cut the tethers and sail into a world with borders causing limited food supplies, limited medicines, dwindling jobs, and lack of respect from all who might have helped. As in dictatorships, the folks leading the charge to destroy the country will eat well, live well, and ignore those suffering on the streets outside their London clubs and county estates.
Of course, the big news from England is that people in high places are more concerned that an American women touches a member of “royalty”—to whom she is married—in public. That seems to be more important than the country going to hell without even a hand basket.
Good news for all those planning to re-locate to the Moon. The Israelis have deposited a Bible on that Heavenly body.
But, as there is only one, a line might form…
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.