Trump Somehow Not Likable Even After Being Coached by Chris Christie and Rudy Giuliani
By Andy Borowitz
CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump somehow seemed unlikeable and obnoxious in his first 2020 debate performance, despite extensive pre-debate coaching from Chris Christie and Rudy Giuliani, campaign staffers have confirmed.
After the debate, staffers were baffled that Trump could appear so off-putting and odious after being prepped by two of the nation’s most beloved and appealing public figures.
“Call it an aura, if you will, or a kind of magic, but Chris and Rudy have that special sauce that makes people want to hug them,” one aide said. “We all thought that, by putting Trump in the same room with them, some of their fairy dust would rub off on him.”
“It didn’t happen,” the aide said. “Chalk it up to the mysteries of politics.”
In the wake of Trump’s abysmal performance, the campaign is replacing Christie and Giuliani as coaches for the second debate. “It’s more important than ever to make Trump likable, and that’s why we’re bringing in Mitch McConnell and Devin Nunes,” the aide said
Many—both in the country and throughout the world—believe that Americans are gullible fools. Now, there is documented, mathematical proof.
Taxpayers have been supporting an extremely luxurious lifestyle of a spoiled conman and bully and his family. Now, they know that someone who has touted himself as the best businessman ever, has been proven to be an unsuccessful fraud.
Soon, Americans have the chance to prove to the world whether or not the majority are truly fools or not…
Trump Plans to Use Debate to Deduct Biden as Dependent
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a tax-avoidance strategy that many in the accounting profession have described as “exotic,” Donald J. Trump plans to use the first Presidential debate to deduct Joe Biden as a dependent.
Although the decision to declare Biden—a seventy-seven-year-old political rival to whom he is not related—as a dependent has raised eyebrows, Trump said that he is “well within” his rights to do so.
“The reason Joe is doing well in the polls is because people hate me,” Trump explained. “That means he is totally dependent on me. Did you see that word I used there? Dependent. I’m very smart.”
Trump said that, in addition to wiping out his tax obligations for the year 2020, declaring Biden as his dependent will have other, more immediate, benefits.
“Sleepy Joe won’t be able to talk back to me at the debate, because, legally, he will be my dependent,” Trump said, adding that this strategy has worked splendidly with others he has named as dependents, including Mike Pence, William Barr, and Lindsey Graham
In some quarters, judging from headlines, there is much excitement about the upcoming “debate” between two grown men: one a bully and the other a man of dignity and good character.
Although I will not watch, I expect not a debate but one many posturing and lying—a show— and one man sounding intelligent and reasonable. The best way to handle a bully is with a punch in the nose, so let’s hope that viewers see that.
We can also expect that the spin room of each party will tell viewers and reporters what they were supposed to have seen. Do not expect this “show” to change the minds of hardcore believers.
Obama Proposes Cancelling White House’s Cable to Get Trump to Leave
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As Donald J. Trump refuses to commit to a peaceful transfer of power in January, former President Barack Obama suggested that cancelling the White House’s cable-TV account could induce the President to leave.
“This is a man who enjoys watching television,” Obama told reporters. “What if, on Inauguration Day, he picks up the remote and nothing comes on?”
“This seems like the most peaceful way to get him to go,” Obama said.
Obama also said that, in order to avoid a constitutional crisis, the White House’s supply of Diet Coke could also be cut off, but added, “I don’t think it will come to that.”
“Once it dawns on him that there’s no cable, his days will stretch out before him in a vista of emptiness,” Obama said. “No ‘Fox & Friends.’ No Tucker Carlson. And no Shark Week.”
“He’ll be on the next helicopter out,” Obama predicted
Amazon Prime Offers to Aid Peaceful Transfer of Power by Shipping Trump Out in Twenty-four Hours
By Andy Borowitz
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—In order to ease the peaceful transfer of power this coming January, Amazon has offered its Prime delivery service to ship Donald J. Trump out of the White House within twenty-four hours.
Speaking from his corporate headquarters, the Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, said that he understood why Trump had misgivings about leaving the White House. “Moving is always hard,” Bezos said. “At Amazon, we want to make Donald Trump’s move as speedy as possible.”
Bezos said that, on Inauguration Day, an Amazon Prime delivery truck will arrive at the White House to prepare Trump for shipping, “free of charge.”
After he has been packed, bar-coded, and scanned into the system, Bezos said, Trump will be expedited to the destination of his choice.
“Amazon Prime guarantees that he will be at Mar-a-Lago within twenty-four hours,” Bezos said, adding that it would take slightly longer if the shipping address is in Moscow
I am aware of the wisdom of not attempting to have an intelligent conversation with a fool, but I would like to ask someone, who does not believe in evolution, a few questions. Since such people learn about history of mankind from a book of myths, they will be able to explain some aspects that are widely known. For example, if the the world is about 6000 years old, how do they explain dinosaurs? And, if a guy with a boat—a really big boat—saved all animals from dying in a flood that wiped out all other life, how did he prevent the lions, tigers, leopards, hyenas, etc. from eating lesser creatures? And, how did they convince penguins and polar bears to sign up for the cruise, when they lived a long way from the Middle East, where the rains fell? I don’t think advertising had been invented at that time.
Merrick Garland Sitting in Parked Car in Mitch McConnell’s Driveway
By Andy Borowitz
LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY (The Borowitz Report)—Merrick Garland is sitting in a parked car in Mitch McConnell’s driveway, hoping for a meeting with the Senate Majority Leader, Garland has confirmed.
Garland, who has been sitting in his Nissan Sentra in McConnell’s driveway since Monday, said that he is “encouraged” by recent developments indicating that Republicans have changed their minds about confirming a Supreme Court Justice during an election year.
“Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham thought it was a terrible idea in 2016, but for whatever reason they’ve really come around,” he said. “All I can say is, playing the waiting game is about to pay off big time for one Merrick Garland.”
Garland, who has not seen McConnell enter or leave his home since the judge first parked his Sentra in the driveway, was baffled by speculation that the Kentucky senator has been hiding in his kitchen to avoid an encounter with him.
“That makes zero sense to me,” Garland said. “If I’m going to be confirmed before the election, we’ve got to get going on this thing.”
Democrats Favor Expanding Supreme Court by Adding Entire Obama Family
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A proposal to expand the size of the Supreme Court by adding the entire Obama family is gaining traction among Democratic activists.
Harland Dorrinson, a Democratic insider who is leading the movement to add all four Obamas to the nation’s highest court, cited a recent poll showing that ninety-eight per cent of Democratic voters favor the proposal, with a possible polling error of two points.
Acknowledging that the Obamas “already have a lot on their plates,” the activist asserted that serving on the Court could be worked into the family’s busy schedule.
“The Supreme Court only meets about nine months out of the year,” Dorrinson said. “That would give the Obamas plenty of time to do their Netflix and podcast stuff.”
While the presence of Sasha and Malia Obama on the Supreme Court is bound to stir controversy because of their youth, Dorrinson said, “There is a consensus among Democrats that you can never have too many Obamas.”
Dorrinson cautioned, however, that adding the entire Obama family to the Supreme Court is only a “first step” in the Democrats’ ultimate vision of judicial reform.
“The plan is to expand the Supreme Court to thirty Justices, so four Obamas just get you partway there,” he said
Kavanaugh Warns That Expanding Size of Supreme Court Would Require More Kegs
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to speculation that Democrats might seek to expand the size of the Supreme Court, Brett Kavanaugh warned that doing so would require an increased number of kegs.
Kavanaugh expressed concern that increasing the number of Supreme Court Justices without acquiring additional kegs might result in a “replay of the regrettable Beach Week incident.”
“One time during Beach Week, I was throwing this rad party with P.J. and Squee,” he said. “Out of nowhere, Tobin shows up and brings four of his friends.”
“Well, that would have been fine if Tobin’s friends drank a normal amount, but those dudes liked to party,” he said. “It was a classic Tobin move.”
Kavanaugh said that expanding the size of the Court without a commensurate increase in kegs would set “a very dangerous precedent.”
“If the new Justices are anything like Tobin’s buds, the situation will be heinous,” he said.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.