Concerned Citizens Urge Trump to Stay Away from United States
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s plans to travel to Kenosha, Wisconsin, hit a snag on Monday, after millions of concerned Americans wrote a letter urging him to stay away from the United States.
In the letter, the Americans told Trump that his “message of hatred and intolerance” is not welcome in their country.
“What the United States needs now is calm, and your presence here would be counterproductive to achieving that,” the letter continued. “Please stay away.”
Although Trump has issued many travel bans since taking office, the letter appears to be the first effort that directly targets him.
When asked for Trump’s response to the letter, the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said, “President Trump does not have a policy of reading.”
Have you noticed that failing governments always put the blame on the “media”. Now, the Jerk-in-Chief is claiming that racism is caused by the media. Here’s a guy that has proven time and again that he has no clue about history, sociology, or any other field of knowledge, so why should anyone believe him?
The favorite label Republicans like to pin on anyone they dislike is “Hitler”.
Has anyone noticed how much that evil person polluting the White House, Stephan Miller, looks like Joseph Goebbels? It’s no coincidence that both deal/dealt with lies and propaganda for a dictator/wannabe emperor.
Trump Says He Could Beat LeBron James in a Dunk Contest If Not for Bone Spurs
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump escalated his war of words with LeBron James on Saturday by saying that he could defeat the N.B.A. star in a dunk contest were it not for bone spurs.
“I’ve seen LeBron James on TV, and, quite frankly, I don’t think he’s very good at basketball,” Trump said. “The media is very unfairly biased in favor of him because he’s a Democrat, and I think it’s a disgrace.”
“You look at LeBron and sometimes when he shoots the ball, it doesn’t go into the basket,” he said. “If I try to drink a glass of water and miss my mouth, it’s all CNN talks about.”
Trump said that it was “very sad” that his bone spurs would keep him from showing off his slam-dunk form, which he called “poetry in motion.”
“A lot of people are saying that I’m better at dunking than that beauty LeBron,” he said. “A lot of very smart people.”
At the N.B.A. bubble, in Orlando, James responded that he understood that the President’s foot woes would prevent him from participating in a dunk contest, but said that he would be happy to face Trump in a spelling contest.
At times like this, the best antidote is binging on sitcoms. Dharma & Greg, Cheers, Last Man Standing, The Nanny…anything well-written and nutty. For a few minutes—an episode is about 20 minutes to although for advertising to fill the half hour slot. Laughter drones out the sound to sobbing.
Trump Warns That Biden Presidency Would Mean Regular Mail Service and Sports
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an apocalyptic vision of life under his Democratic rival, Donald Trump will warn on Thursday night that a Biden Presidency would mean regular mail service and sports.
An advance copy of Trump’s final R.N.C. speech reveals that Trump will paint an ominous picture of a nation living under the tyranny of uninterrupted postal delivery and athletic events.
“Joe Biden and his left-wing puppet masters will take whatever measures they deem necessary to insure that the mail is delivered in a timely fashion,” he will warn. “Biden and his radical henchwomen, Nancy Pelosi and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, will stop at nothing to make that nightmare a reality.”
Additionally, Trump will charge, “If Joe Biden is allowed to wipe out the pandemic and institute police reforms, professional sports will be played like never before.”
“No city will be safe from sports,” he will add.
Trump will end his relentlessly downbeat speech on a note of optimism, however. “Only one thing can protect America from the sinister threat of mail and sports,” he will declare. “Me.
The Conman-in-Chief fearing a Biden presidency is justified. He, his family, and many of his enablers will then have to answer for their criminal activity. Under a new president, the Justice Department might act like a Justice Department and not a criminal enabler.
Like Stephen Colbert, I refused to watch the unreality TV known as the Republican Convention. I loath the actors and cannot stomach the lies.
Anyone with a bit of intelligence knows that the words spouted to depict the United States—as it is and as it will be under a Democratic President—are the exact opposite of the truth.
Unfortunately, I am a pessimist. I expect a phoney crisis to be manufactured before the election to further frighten voters into keeping a crook in office. This crowd of villains can easily cook up a crisis with China or Russia and manipulate public opinion about the danger of changing “leadership” even if the creature squatting in the Oval Office displays no leadership qualities or qualifications.
Melania Trump to Read Passages from Her Best-Selling Book, “Becoming”
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Melania Trump gave a sneak preview of her speech at the 2020 Republican National Convention by revealing that she would be reading passages from her best-selling memoir, “Becoming.”
“I asked myself, what’s the best way for people to learn more about me?” Melania told reporters at the White House. “The answer came loud and clear: my book be best.”
Trump said that she had chosen passages from her book that describe her childhood in Chicago and her education at Harvard Law School.
“I am going to be introducing the American people to a Melania they never knew, Chicago lawyer lady,” she said.
She said that, unlike in 2016, she was not concerned about what critics might say about her R.N.C. speech this year. “When they get low, we get high,” she said
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.