N.R.A. Gun Ban During Pence’s Speech Leaves Him Vulnerable to Bear Attack, DeVos Warns
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The National Rifle Association’s decision to ban guns during Mike Pence’s speech at its annual meeting in Dallas this week “leaves him totally vulnerable to a bear attack,” the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, warned on Monday.
Speaking to reporters at the Education Department, DeVos said that she was “deeply concerned” that the N.R.A. was underestimating the danger posed to Pence by “the savagery of one rogue bear.”
“All it would take is one angry bear to ruin what otherwise promises to be a really nice gun event,” she said.
She added that, after contacting the N.R.A. leadership, she was alarmed to discover that there would be no bear detectors at the entrance to the Dallas venue.
“A bear can simply waltz in there,” she said, shaking her head. “This is madness.”
DeVos urged the gun organization to rethink its plan and insure that every member of the audience for Pence’s speech is fully armed.
“If there are no guns, that is sending a very dangerous message to bears,” she said.
Now, the truth has been revealed (something anyone with a brain has known for some time): the NRA and its political pals are the biggest hypocrites to ever walk the earth. Even idiots that thought of this organisation as the epitome of purity should understand its true nature.
Why else would an organisation that preaches the sanctity of gun ownership and make excuses for every mass murder by easily obtained firearms forbid weapons in the hall of their convention. Of what are they afraid? A person with a firearm? Do thay not preach that guns do not kill people?
I wonder if any members will complain about having their rights violated…
re to edit.
Having written a few novels, I find that books are like one's children. You like them and do not care if no one else does or sees in them what you see.
Today, I re-read my short story, Gilda, and discovered that it is better than I recall.
One does not have complete control over how one's children turn out, because too many other factors influence their development. With books or stories, the author is in complete control. If it is no good--which is a very subjective judgment--then he or she is at fault. I have produced only stories that I like, so I can sleep soundly at night. I enjoy returning to each one, even if I know how it goes.
All telephone and internet companies cheat their customers, who have no recourse. Telephone companies promise blanket coverage, and then you suffer from lack of reception. Internet companies promise “up to” a certain level of speed, which your computer never seems to achieve. When I paid for “up to 25,000”, I got at most 18, 000. When I increased to 100,000, I finally got 25,000. Now that I have increased to 400,000, I have made it to 106,000. Of course, I am be charged for 400,000, because they have promised only “up to” and not that magic number that is never reached.
Dubai has been building mile upon mile of artificial coastline. The best-known example is the Palm, which was started only about ten years ago. Many houses and hotels have a stretch of beach, but all lie within the confines of the outer sea wall. Water circulates, but there is no surf.
True beach that is available to the public, with nothing built in front to restrict the waves, is rare. And, there are differences in the beach experience.
All public beaches are open to everyone…along the first few meters from the high tide mark. The photo below shows you the beach experience.
A few stretches of beach are controlled by hotels. Security guards keep away people not registered or not paying a daily fee. They still must put up with people walking along the water line, but they do have more space.
Both photos are of the same stretch of Jumeirah beach at the marina.The few hundred guests of the low rise hotel (Ritz Carlton) hotel enjoy far more space than the thousands that pour out of the high rise apartments and hotels without beach access and crowd the adjacent sand.
Americans Startled by Spectacle of President Who Can Speak English
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans who were watching television on Wednesday morning witnessed the startling spectacle of an English-speaking President, viewers have confirmed.
All of the major cable news networks interrupted their regularly scheduled programs to cover the phenomenon, as a man who was identified as “President” spoke in complete, grammatically correct English sentences with no visible sign of strain or discomfort.
Just minutes into the telecast, thousands of viewers called the networks to inquire if they were witnessing a hoax.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” Carol Foyler, a viewer in Akron, Ohio, said. “It had to be special effects or something.”
While the spectacle might have appeared jarring to many, cable news insiders reported that the networks had in fact aired several hundred speeches by an English-speaking President between the years 2009 and 2017.
Bezos Says That When Pee Tape Is Released It Will Be Free for All Amazon Prime Members
By Andy Borowitz
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, announced on Tuesday that when the purported “pee tape” becomes available it will be offered free to all Amazon Prime members.
Speaking to reporters in Seattle, Bezos said that the pee-tape offer was “consistent with Amazon’s mandate to offer the highest-quality content to our customers.”
Bezos acknowledged that the tape had not surfaced yet, but said that Amazon was “working around the clock to make that happen.”
Bezos’s offer drew a mixed response from Prime members, with some begging Amazon not to offer the pee tape to them.
Over all, though, interest in the tape was robust, as pre-orders for the item quickly made it the highest-ranking product on the entire Amazon site.
According to its product page, customers who bought the pee tape also bought “A Higher Loyalty” by James Comey.
There is an Autobahn that runs from Fulda, which is east of Frankfurt, up to the city limit and then continues on to the west as far as Wiesbaden, the state capitol. A piece in the middle is missing: the part running through (or under) Frankfurt. This highway was build up to city limit almost 40 years ago. Planning, discussions, and lawsuits have been raging since then about the missing few kilometers. Recent news reports suggest that the missing bit is planned to be finished in 2027, ie. fifty years after starting. Construction is being held up by environmentalist, noise suits, land ownership issues, etc., while drivers face daily aggravation of traffic jams.
The route from highway follows the route taken by Napoleon on his way to suffer defeat in Moscow. Traffic arriving or departing Frankfurt does not move much faster than his plodding troops.
So, the word today is langsam, which means slow. The first part of the word, lang, means long. Because the process of completing the highway takes a long time, traffic moves slowly.
Mueller Says That Until Yesterday He Had Almost Forgotten to Investigate Giuliani
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The independent counsel, Robert Mueller, told reporters that, prior to news reports on Thursday, he had “almost forgotten” to investigate the former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani.
“Like most Americans, I had totally forgotten about Rudy Giuliani’s existence,” he said. “But then when he popped up on the news I was, like, ‘Hold on—shouldn’t we be investigating him?’ ”
Mueller was at a loss to explain why he had failed to investigate Giuliani earlier. “I have no idea how it could have slipped my mind,” he said. “His role in Trump’s campaign was as fishy as all get-out.”
He said that other members of his team were “poking fun” at him for not deciding to investigate Giuliani before Thursday. “I mean, think about it: how do you do a criminal investigation of the Trump campaign and leave Rudy out of it?” he said. “I’ve got to say, I’m pretty darn embarrassed about the whole thing.”
When asked for an estimate of when the Russia inquiry might wrap up, Mueller responded, “I honestly can’t say. I was hoping to bring it to a close in the next month or two, but now that we’re also investigating Rudy Giuliani, God only knows how long it’ll take.”
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.