This is hardly surprising news, given the serial dishonesty of any Republican government. Information is already leaking that the numbers of virus deaths are being falsified to make the crooks feel better about their miserable and criminal performance.
Distortion, deceit, denial, duplicity, and dishonesty: values of the Republican Party.
GOP: Greed Old-white-men Party
Pence Starts Wearing Mask After Fauci Says It Will Protect Him from Women
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has started wearing a mask after Anthony Fauci told him that it will protect him from women, Fauci has confirmed.
After seeing video of a maskless Pence touring the Mayo Clinic, on Tuesday, Fauci said, “I knew I had to come up with something fast” to get through to Pence.
Fauci immediately got on the phone with the Vice-President and informed him that “clinical research” had demonstrated that a mask is “an effective female-repellent.”
“I told him that wearing a mask would protect him from 99.99 per cent of all women,” Fauci said. “He seemed very impressed.”
In an official statement, the Vice-President thanked Fauci for his excellent advice and indicated that he would start wearing a mask at all times, including at home.
You can’t die, if you weren’t born.
If you complain about dying, then you must complain about having been born.
CNN to Show Phone Number of Poison-Control Hotline Whenever Trump Speaks
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—CNN announced on Tuesday that it will show the phone number of a national poison-control hotline whenever Donald Trump appears on the air.
Speaking on behalf of the network, Wolf Blitzer, the veteran anchor, said that CNN was adopting the new policy out of concern for “the health and safety of our viewers.”
“At CNN, we strive to keep our viewers informed. But, in order to do that, we must first keep them alive,” he said.
In order to implement the new policy, Sanjay Gupta, the network’s chief medical correspondent, will monitor CNN’s programming on a twenty-four-hour basis for any signs of Trump.
“The moment Donald Trump appears, Sanjay will flip a switch and the flashing poison-control number will appear onscreen,” Blitzer said.
The phone number will disappear as soon as someone other than Trump, such as Anthony Fauci, begins to speak.
“If Trump interrupts Dr. Fauci and starts talking again, Sanjay will punch the number back up,” the host of “The Situation Room" indicated.
CNN decided to institute the new measure after it became apparent that Trump had not followed through on his threat to stop appearing at coronavirus briefings. “Clearly, the danger has not passed,” Blitzer said.
I spotted an interesting headline in a UK newspaper:
TV sex scenes ‘to be subject to social distancing rules’
Does sexual intercourse even work if partners must remain 1.5 meters apart? Is such a position even mentioned in Kama Sutra?
I read in a UK newspaper the story of the biggest sufferer from the pandemic quarantine: the Queen. The poor woman is forced to endure life in one of her many castles with a staff of only 22. This is a martyr. I don’t know how she manages. The suffering must be intense. Of course, she is in the age bracket that is most susceptible to the virus, so she should avoid stay inside and avoid contact with others. I guess she can manage the former, given all her “homes”, but she seems unable to manage the latter.
Trump Blames Plummeting Poll Numbers on People Paying Attention When He Talks
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “disgraceful situation,” Donald J. Trump on Monday blamed his sinking poll numbers on people paying attention when he talks.
Noting that his approval rating has plummeted since he began holding coronavirus briefings, he said, “There are a lot of people out there who are listening to things I say and basing their opinions on them, and I think it’s very sad.”
In addition to people paying attention when he talks, Trump said that he was being “treated very unfairly by people who remember what I say.”
“People are listening to what I say one day and comparing it to something I said on a different day,” he said. “These are very sick and terrible people.”
Trump also lashed out at the pollsters themselves, who, he alleged, are “doing a hit job on me” by seeking the opinions of people who listened to things he said.
“The fact that they’re talking to people who have listened to me proves how crooked and rigged these polls are,” he said. “People who haven’t listened to me think I’m doing great.”
Trump said that, if people persist in listening to him, he may stop talking altogether. “I think that’s a really good plan,” Trump said. “Dr. Fauci suggested it to me.”
For every expert opinion, there is an opposite and equal expert opinion.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.