PENCE REALLY THOUGHT HE’D BE PRESIDENT BY NOW
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Commenting on Donald Trump’s first hundred days in office, Vice-President Mike Pence told Fox News on Sunday, “To tell you the truth, I really thought I’d be President by now.”
“When I agreed to run on the ticket with him, I said to myself, ‘Mike, after he’s been in the White House for a few weeks, he’ll be a total train wreck and you’ll be able to slide into the big-boy chair,’ ” Pence said. “I never in a million years thought he’d last a hundred days. My best guess was thirty.”
The former Indiana governor said that, with such seemingly fatal missteps as Trump’s failed health-care plan and travel bans, as well as any number of unhinged outbursts, “It feels like I’ve come close to getting in there maybe ten or twelve times. But close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.”
Calling the past hundred days “the longest hundred days of my life,” Pence said that he has no choice now but to “sit and wait for my moment.”
“I’m a man of faith, and I believe that the Lord has a plan for me,” he said. “But if another hundred days come and go and I’m still not President, you are going to see one pissed-off Mike Pence.”
In a time of deceit telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Most people have probably noticed that food is important. Those noticing this most cogently are those most in need of a good meal. Many, however, are able to take food for granted and face too many choices. Others reach the level being so satiated, that they become food critics. Not the kind that writes reviews or has televisions programs, but rather those that complain about the slightest imperfection or whatever displeases them.
I thought of this when I was on vacation. The choices were endless; quality was not an issue. Competition is so intense in places like Dubai, that consumers are spoiled to attract and keep their business. But, too much of a good thing can become tiring. One does come to miss the good bread from the local bakery or a simple spaghetti with tomato sauce made from scratch. Table service can be nice, but sitting in front of a television with a tray filled with leftovers has its appeal.
One always looks forward to vacation, but the urge to return home does arise at some point, regardless of how luxuries the hotel and fine the cuisine. This should be comforting news to anyone unable to sample the fair of such hotels and dreams of something better than leftovers. Bread and butter can be fantastic, if one takes the time to find the best of each. But, even mediocre bread and butter can be good….
BETSY DEVOS SAYS MEDIA SHOULDN’T EMPHASIZE FIRST HUNDRED DAYS BECAUSE “IT’S SO HARD TO COUNT TO A HUNDRED”
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Education Secretary Betsy DeVos criticized the media on Friday for placing so much emphasis on Donald Trump’s first hundred days, because “it’s so darn hard to count to a hundred.”
“I’m watching the news and they’re going on about a hundred days this and a hundred days that, and all I want to say is, ‘Who the heck can count all the way to a hundred?’ ” she said. “They’re acting like we’re a bunch of math geniuses.”
DeVos added that, if the media wanted to establish a benchmark for Trump’s achievement, “they should have picked a number of days that people can actually count to, like five or ten.”
The Education Secretary then demonstrated how it was possible to count to ten using one’s hands.
Despite the media’s obsession with “ridiculously big numbers,” DeVos said she has no intention of trying to count to a hundred.
“I have an important job and the last thing I need is to do something that makes my head hurt,” she said.
I heard about an advertisement for a new brand of jeans, which comes with “real dirt”. Supposedly, it does not come out in the wash. Of course, they are expensive, being aimed at rich folks that find work to be “ironic”.
I have a few pairs of Levi 501 jeans, all of which are at least twenty years old. They are not what one calls “distressed”. I wear them only for work around the house and certainly would not be seen in public in such attire. That said, my self-distressed jeans would cost a lot of money, if one were to find such beauties in a shop. And, distressed is what my mother would be if she had ever seen me in clothing that had reached such a state.
If I ever become desperate, I will off my classic jeans for sale. If people are willing to pay big bucks for fake dirt, then some fool will surely bid for mine…
If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need.
Hadley Freeman, who writes for the Guardian, is one of the best writers found in “newspapers” these days. The subject of the French election might not interest many—if any have even noticed the subject—but her comments on this, other elections, and history are worth noting.
What I miss about the past is…ignorance. The world was just as screwed up, albeit in different ways, but we were less well-informed. There were newspapers, which one could ignore unless passing a newsstand and catching a glimpse of the headlines. There was television news on the three networks, but it was on once a day and limited to one half hour, part of which was sport and weather. Radio had short news bits, which could be ignored.
Now, there are limitless “news” sources, for actual and fake stories. Internet news pages are updated by the minute; 24 news channels blabber on endlessly, if usually in a loop. No radio stations is without news. Even the telephone provides news tickers.
The saying “ignorance is bliss” never had such meaning.
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.