Jeb Quits Race with “Mission Accomplished” Banner
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
MIAMI (The Borowitz Report)—Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush announced that he was dropping out of the race for the Republican Presidential nomination, while standing in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner draped over the façade of his campaign headquarters, in Miami.
Speaking to his remaining staff members who were seated in a dozen folding chairs, Bush thanked them for the hard work that led to the triumphant completion of their mission.
“Our work is done,” Bush said. “Thanks to you, we have prevailed.”
While acknowledging that he took pride in the impressive success of his campaign, Bush stressed that victory did not belong to him alone. “This is a great day for America,” he said.
Upon the conclusion of his remarks, Bush bade farewell to his staffers with a military-style salute before stepping into a waiting helicopter and ascending to the skies.
Minutes after Bush flew away, however, reporters asked senior Bush staffers to define more clearly the mission that Bush had deemed accomplished.
“We feel really good about the work we did, our ground game, getting the word out about Jeb’s accomplishments as a conservative Governor in Florida,” said Bush’s campaign manager, Danny Diaz, who added, “Please, just leave me alone."
What a bunch of worthless crybabies.
I am not dumb enough to waste time watching ridiculous “debates” of Republican idiots, who think they should be president. Heaven forbid.
But, I do notice/can’t avoid headlines, which have suggested that these jerks were not happy with the questions. What did they expect: praise/adulation? There is no such thing as a “gotcha” question, if someone wants to be president. These guys are not happy if they are asked something about which they cannot spin into a soundbite or lie about and which does not allow them to spout garbage.
Confronted by media coverage of the waves of refugees washing up on the shores of/trekking across the Balkan peninsula to Europe, one has mixed reactions and myriad thoughts.
One thing that comes to my mind—probably not to too many other’s—is Maslow’s Hierarch of Needs. At the bottom of the hierarchy are the “Basic needs or Physiological needs of a human being: food, water, sleep and sex.” Looking at the families struggling to cope on the road to free money in of Europe’s social systems, this is fairly obvious (except the sex bit).
But, the films and photos suggest other basic needs unimagined in Maslow’s day, which many might claim to be “human rights”. Those include electricity to charge phones, decent phone reception, and a reliable internet connection. Many—especially teenaged girls—would not know how to survive without these and might even sacrifice one or two of the needs at the bottom of Maslow’s pyramid.
School resource officer? What the hell is that? This is surely a euphemism, like extraordinary rendition. And, why is such a position even needed? Are white men with guns that fearful of young black girls? Since when is texting a crime? Will all teenagers be locked up?
This is just one more sign of what has gone wrong in the country of my birth. We never had police officers in school. The police force (too many men, of course) did not have SWAT team.
A thug by any other name...
Back by popular demand…Well, not really. I doubt anyone noticed the last time.
And, the mushrooms did not ask permission to pop up on my lawn. Lucky for them that I do not care about the condition of my grass, otherwise I might have bought some weed killer and tried it out on fungus.
I am not a big fan of mushrooms—the eating kind—but find them graphically interesting. That’s why I take photos…and force anyone foolish enough to waste time on this site to look at them.
Rand Paul: Hillary Could Be Derailed by Little-Known Lewinsky Affair
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Potential Republican Presidential candidate Sen. Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) said today that he believes he has a “secret weapon” that will derail Hillary Clinton’s 2016 White House bid: “A little-known affair between her husband and a White House intern, Monica Lewinsky.”
Appearing on the Fox News Channel, Paul told the host Sean Hannity, “Sean, when the American people find out about this scandal, they are going to be shocked, truly shocked. It didn’t get a lot of coverage at the time.”
Asked by Hannity how the scandal could have remained under wraps for so long, Paul replied, “You’ll have to ask Bill and Hillary that. Let’s just say they’ve pulled a lot of strings to keep this story out of the mainstream media.”
“Unfortunately for them, Sean, I have the details on this juicy scandal and I’m prepared to share them with the American people,” he said. “I think it’s going to be a game-changer.”
While he believes that the shocking revelations about President Clinton’s Oval Office dalliances will be enough to destroy Hillary’s 2016 ambitions, Paul confirmed that he has other arrows in his quiver.
“It turns out that Hillary was involved in a business deal called Whitewater,” he said. “When the American people find out about this, it’s going to blow their minds."
I hate to admit that I agree with the blowhard with the funny hair from New York, but one utterance is not far from what I have been saying for a long time. (I wonder if he reads my garbage?)
We both think that the Middle East—and the rest of the world—would be better off with Saddam Hussein and Khadafi still alive and abusing their people/keeping them from killing each other. Sure, they were bad men, but less people died and less turmoil roiled the region. A strong hand is needed to keep Sunnis and Shiites away from each others’ necks.
The problem is: almost every other utterance is garbage...
Fox: New Evidence Hillary Killed Lincoln
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what may be the most serious allegation ever made against the former Secretary of State, Fox News Channel reported today that Hillary Clinton was involved in the conspiracy to murder President Abraham Lincoln.
The latest charge against Mrs. Clinton was reported by Fox host Sean Hannity, who said that the evidence of her role in the Lincoln assassination came mainly in the form of e-mails.
According to Mr. Hannity, “If it’s true that Hillary Clinton killed Lincoln, this could have a major impact on her chances in 2016.”
The accusation against Mrs. Clinton drew a strong response from Sen. Lindsey Graham (R.—S. Carolina): “There’s been a concerted effort by Hillary Clinton to cover up her role in President Lincoln’s murder. She has said nothing about it. This is bigger than Watergate, the Cuban missile crisis, and the Second World War put together.”
Responding to the allegation, Mrs. Clinton issued a terse statement indicating that she could not have participated in Lincoln’s assassination because she was born in 1947.
“That’s what she wants us to believe,” Sen. Graham said.
Movement of people, legally and illegally, is a frequent topic in the news in many parts of the world. The most violent reactions are in the United States, mostly because an election campaign (seemingly endless) is raging and this topic can whip up emotions of audiences unable to understand tax reform or education or health care.
Americans are not known for their grasp of history (or geography or…you name it), partly because schoolbooks tell lies or omit facts, few people seek knowledge through reading, and Hollywood peddles myths. Few recognize that those screaming about illegal immigrants are mostly descended from illegal immigrants. Only Native Americans have a right to complain, and no one listens to them about anything, especially property rights.
The first immigrants to trespass on North America were Spanish, moving north from what is now Mexico. Missionaries and soldiers occupied Texas long before it was called Texas and long before immigrants from England or France stole land on the east coast. I did not learn this in school, because a more positive stylized version was crammed down our throats. From what I read, text books have become even more fact-free, controlled by school boards in Texas.
Texas, ah Texas. Everyone has a love hate relationship with that state: Texans love it and everyone else hates it. But, it has become a focal point of the immigration hullabaloo. No one seems to know or admit, if they do know, that tables were turned less than 200 years ago.
There was a time that the “province” of Texas belonged to Mexico. “In the 1820s Mexican authorities were helpless to defend their frontier from waves of illegal immigrants pouring across from the north and east in search of economic opportunity. Texas bore the brunt of this flood of immigration due to its long border with increasingly populated Louisiana and Arkansas.” This is from the book, American Nations, which went on to explain: “By 1823, some 3000 Anglo-Americans (mostly Deep Southern or Appalachian in origin) were living in Texas illegally, roughly equal to the official population of the territory.”
Perhaps, this is why Texans are so worried. They know how illegal immigrants can take over a state and wrench it away from its (formerly) legal owners. They fear that the Mexicans streaming over the border in search of economic opportunity (like their ancestors) will wrest control from the (current) legal population. That would be what one calls “just deserts”.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.