Trump Derailed by Obama’s Endorsement
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Adding a new wrinkle in an already unpredictable election year, Donald Trump saw his poll numbers plummet on Monday after receiving a surprise endorsement from President Barack Obama.
The long-awaited downfall of the abrasive billionaire came in startling fashion, as few had expected the President to offer a full-throated endorsement of Trump, especially on the eve of the all-important Super Tuesday primaries.
Praising the Republican front-runner during a nationally televised address, the President said that, despite media reports to the contrary, Trump shared his views on such important issues as immigration and religious tolerance. “In every way that matters, Donald and I are on exactly the same page,” Obama said, pointing to a framed picture of the billionaire on his Oval Office desk.
Concluding his endorsement with an emphatic closing argument, Obama said, “If you love me, vote for Trump.”
In several G.O.P. polls taken after the President’s stunning endorsement, Trump sank from first to fifth place, trailing the retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson by several points.
As news of the President’s endorsement spread, former Trump supporters across the nation gathered to vent their anger, with some burning signs, trucker hats, and other campaign paraphernalia at impromptu bonfires.
Harland Dorrinson, who had attended a massive Trump rally in Alabama just a day earlier, said that he now felt totally betrayed by the billionaire. “I guess when all is said and done, Donald Trump was just too good to be true,” he said.
The geniuses at Disney have found a way to take away the magic. Their not-so-secret ingredient is greed. Many kids will learn disappointment, when dad tells them that the family cannot afford the trip to Disneyland. After all, prices will be jacked up on the days children have vacation and are able to make the trip, throwing a monkey wrench into budget planning.
“The most expensive place on earth?
Disney theme parks are charging up to 20per cent more as visitors appear in record-breaking numbers”
I was not a fan of Friends. I watched bits of a few episodes or entered the room when a family member was watching and was forced to witness snatches.
I bring this up, because there have been a number of articles about a “reunion” of cast members and false gushing by diehard fans for a new serious with the old cast. The articles mention the things that I noticed but could not articulate at the time (other than a laugh track that was always too loud, as if forcing people to believe the weak humor in the dialogue). Besides Rachel, I did not like characters. The bits I saw were boring. (The jury is out on whether Seinfeld was more boring and more stupid.)
Christie’s Endorsement of Trump Threatens to Overshadow Equally Prestigious Praise from David Duke
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
FORT WORTH, TX (The Borowitz Report)—Aides to the G.O.P. front-runner, Donald Trump, expressed concern on Friday that New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s endorsement of their candidate might overshadow equally impressive words of praise that Trump received yesterday from the former Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke.
The scheduling of Christie’s endorsement just one day after the K.K.K. luminary’s boost was “obviously far from ideal,” the Trump aide Harland Dorrinson said.
“In a perfect world, you’d like some daylight between Christie’s endorsement and Duke’s statement of support, so they’d each have maximum impact,” he said. “As major as the Christie news is, we wouldn’t want the Duke thing to get lost in the shuffle.”
The aide said that the events of the past twenty-four hours have been “dizzying.” “When the Christie thing happened, we were still celebrating the David Duke thing,” he said. “It’s been crazy.”
Dorrinson said that the Trump campaign expects an avalanche of endorsements from G.O.P. leaders, white supremacists, and neo-Nazis in the days and weeks ahead. “Sure, that’s going to cause scheduling problems,” he said. “But those are the kinds of problems every campaign would love to have."
Until today, I thought of the Guardian as a serious newspaper. What happened? One of the front page headlines/articles was about Yoko Ono being hospitalised for flu. Who, beyond family, friends, and the person involved cares? As more of such headlines popped up, I realised that many editors are interested in this subjuct, think readers are, or have nothing else to fill the space.
Foreigners, particularly foreign news organisations, spend a lot of time thinking and talking about the United States. This has many reasons, which I will not attempt to explain.
With that in mind, I was surprised to see a major British news outlet spend quite a bit of time reporting on and having various talking heads discuss the issue of the name of the Washington Redskins and if the name should be changed. I have noticed this topic appear off and on in US media.
There are more-pressing issue in the world, many of them caused by fans of the above-mentioned team. I am certain that these people compartmentalize their feelings. Still, if they are not concerned about the damage done in foreign countries, why should they care about hurt feelings of those that do not like a certain team’s name.
I do not mind being called a Yankee or even a Damn Yankee. After all, I am from the northeast. I do not care what Southerns or Texans or, for that matter, foreigners call me. I have a great deal of sympathy with Native Americans, because they were treated badly by ‘god’s chosen’. I do not even hold a grudge about them killing my great grandfather. He was merely following foolish orders, like so many that have died in stupid wars.
Obama Signs Executive Order Relocating Congress to Guantánamo
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making good on one of his key campaign promises, President Obama signed an executive order on Tuesday relocating the United States Congress to Guantánamo Bay, Cuba.
The President seemed to relish signing the order, calling the relocation a “win-win for America,” and indicating that Congress could be moved to its new headquarters “immediately.”
“We don’t envision doing any renovations to the facility down there,” he said. “It is ready to house Congress right now.”
The President did not specify what the current U.S. Capitol building would be used for in the future, but he hinted that it could be the setting for historic reënactments in the manner of Colonial Williamsburg.
“I think it could be fascinating to school groups,” he said. “It could really take them back to the olden days when it was a real, functioning place.”
Minutes after the President signed the order, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Kentucky) called it “an outrage” and “grounds for impeachment,” but Obama appeared to take such howls of protest in stride.
“If Congress believes that this executive order is illegal, they can take it up with the Supreme Court,” he said. “Oh wait—we don’t have a Supreme Court."
I noticed a headline that said: Arctic goes bonkers. Well, what about Germany? This is February, and crocuses have sprung from earth that did not freeze this winter; fruit trees have blossomed, and leaves are sprouting on many trees. This will be remembered in the record books as the winter that didn’t show up. Or it will mark the beginning of milder climates. Some may deny climate change, but the evidence nature provides suggests that something has happened.
In truth, I approve global warming to global colding. (I know: that’s not a word!) No one needs a return of the Ice Age, unless you are talking about the movie. Although I liked winter when I was younger, so I could play hockey, indoor rinks now preclude the need for low temperatures. Hockey is even played in Florida and Southern California. One needs less clothing and less-bulky footwear.
I spotted the following headline on Salon. This is what a lot of people around the world are surely thinking right now.
America, you’re stupid: Donald Trump’s political triumph makes it official —
we’re a nation of idiots
Trump's rise proves we're full of loud, illiterate and credulous people — and he's a mirror of them
Americans Nostalgic for Republican Who Only Wanted to Screw Over Forty-Seven Per Cent of Them
BY ANDY BOROWITZ
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign of voters’ shifting perspectives about Presidential hopefuls, a new survey reveals that Americans are deeply nostalgic for a Republican candidate who only wanted to screw over forty-seven per cent of them.
In interviews conducted across the country, voters expressed wistfulness and even a deep longing for a man who was indifferent to the fates of nearly half the nation’s residents.
“When he was running, it seemed like a bad thing that he didn’t care whether forty-seven per cent of the country lived or died,” said Tracy Klugian, of Akron, Ohio. “Now I realize we were being too picky.”
“He threw thousands of people out of their jobs and onto the streets, but he let them stay in the country,” said Kent Bantwell, of Springfield, Missouri. “I’ve got to say, I miss him.”
Harland Dorrinson, of Jupiter, Florida, said that he wished that the man would jump into the 2016 race, but admitted that was unlikely. “That secret tape where he said he was screwing over forty-seven per cent of the country would be brought up again,” he said. “The fact that he wasn’t screwing over a bigger number would come back to haunt him now.”
Carol Foyler, of San Dimas, California, said she wished she could take back “all the nasty things” she said about the man when he ran for President in 2012. “I called him a jerk and a tool and a sociopath—and worse,” she remembered, shaking her head. “Now he seems like Mandela.”
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.