Dr. Oz Claims That Eating Classified Documents Was Essential to Trump’s Healthy Diet
By Andy Borowitz
PITTSBURGH (The Borowitz Report)—Eating classified documents was “an essential part of President Donald Trump’s super-healthy diet,” Dr. Mehmet Oz has claimed.
Oz, the longtime television host and, more recently, Pennsylvania’s G.O.P. nominee for the U.S. Senate, said that “classified documents, including the nuclear codes, provided the roughage necessary to keep President Trump’s digestive system humming along at the highest possible level.”
Speaking at a campaign stop in Pittsburgh, Oz said that Trump’s diet consisted of “the four food groups: the hamburger group, the ketchup group, the Coca-Cola group, and the classified-documents group.”
“Looking at President Trump, you might wonder what miracle diet made him such a fine physical specimen,” Oz said. “It turns out that national-security documents are not only loaded with secrets—they’re chock-full of fibre.”
What has become of the United States? A leading Senator has stated that riots will erupt if a crooked politicians is indicted. Here is a law-breaker defending a law-breaker by threatening violence in a (supposed) democracy.
Given the number of guns and the number of stupid people, things can get bloody awful...
Republicans claims their baby leader is being subjected to a politicised witch hunt. Anyone else would have been arrested for taking a single document belonging to the government. The same idiots who screamed bloody murder about Hillary deleting an email are justifying criminal actions by a man they know to be a crook, fearful criticism of him might hurt their reelection chances or money-raising efforts. The hypocrisy is unmatched in the history of hypocrisy. And these are the people responsible for governing the country.
Republicans Worry That Midterm Voters Might Believe Women Deserve Rights
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of the decisive Democratic win in New York’s special congressional election on Tuesday, Republican leaders are suddenly concerned that midterm voters might believe that women deserve rights.
The Democrat Pat Ryan’s thumping win in Tuesday’s election has made Republicans wonder, in the words of House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy, “Is this thing of women having rights going to be a problem for us in the fall?
“You look at the results in the Ryan election, and it sure seems like a lot of people thought women should be considered human,” McCarthy said. “The question is: is this a part of something bigger or just kind of a onetime fluke?”
McCarthy said that he hopes midterm voters will “think big picture” and consider other issues besides whether women should have rights.
“With our emphasis on environmental deregulation, book banning, and easier access to guns, the Republicans have created a big tent,” he said. “It would be a shame to see that wrecked by an obscure special-interest group like women.”
If you want to take a ride on an airplane, you must pay for the ticket before flying. If you buy a house or a car, you must pay before use (or have appropriate financing).
In the future, lawyers would be advised (I always thought they were smart) to demand high-profile clients pay upfront. One must only look at such crooks as the World’s Greatest Grifter or Ghislaine Maxwell to understand that these people are not only guilty but also deadbeats. No wonder good lawyers are refusing to work for such evil people. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty, but these people need no trial to convince me they are crooks.
What does it tell you about a senator who refuses to testify in court? I don’t understand why this is even possible, but Republican politicians are shameless and answer to no one (except maybe the chief conman). Let’s not even talk about the games played by a bunch of incompetent lawyers struggling to prevent honest people from examining crimes of the biggest crook to ever hold office (even worse than Lyndon Johnson or Richard Nixon).
Can it become any more shameless?
A crook steals someone’s property…and then sues the police to prevent them examining evidence of his crime. All that’s needed now is a crooked judge…
And to reveal, once again, how stupid Republican voters are: the government doing its job of law enforcement boosts the admiration of the crook.
Is there much hope for the future of the Republic?
If you never considered or even noticed that life is a game, just look at the antics transpiring in US politics. Someone does something, someone sues, someone finds a malleable or buyable judge…shake, bake, and start again.
The thing is, if you read history, you discover that things don’t change over time. What has changed is the media landscape. Lyndon Johnson was as big a crook and liar as the conman recently soiling the presidency, but little was reported at the time. It is best to ignore what goes on and enjoy life, hoping the bastard won’t affect you…
Hitler is everyone’s all-purpose villain. There have been worse humans, but he is usually the most recognisable and useful to idiots who don’t know history. That is one of the services he provided. His antics also provided a very useful word—Nazi. This word is thrown at anyone with whom someone does not agree. It is usually used by someone who is always more like a Nazi than the victim of the slur. This is a favourite word of rightwing commentators and politicians, who are hoping to be lead by someone who’s hero is Hitler.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.