Out-of-Practice Trump Forgets to Strand Rally Crowd in Parking Lot
By Andy Borowitz
WELLINGTON, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—Holding his first campaign-style rally in months, an out-of-practice Donald J. Trump forgot to strand the event’s attendees in a parking lot Saturday night.
Blaming the failure to strand the rally crowd on “rustiness,” a member of Trump’s inner circle apologized for not delivering a signature feature of Trump rallies.
“People have come to expect that, at the conclusion of one of our rallies, they will be marooned in the middle of nowhere for hours, often in inclement weather,” Harland Dorrinson, a Trump aide, said. “On Saturday night, we didn’t get it done.”
Dorrinson said that the entire Trump team would be conducting a postmortem of the rally to find out why attendees were able to leave the event without incident.
“Saturday night was our first rally in a long time, and we weren’t in fighting shape,” Dorrinson said. “But that’s no excuse. I want to promise all future attendees: if you come to a Trump rally, you will be stranded for hours afterward with no buses anywhere in sight—period.”
I can imagine the disgust and frustration felt by Barack and Michelle Obama. Two intelligent, honest, decent, patriotic (despite suffering what all Blacks in America suffer) Americans are forced to watch as a lying, cheating conman works to destroy the country and is abetted by so many enablers, as well as honoured by so many stupid, gullible citizens. They had tried so hard to steer the country to goodness, only to be frustrated by horrible Republican jerks. And, Evangelicals honor a man who never sets foot in a church and blatantly violates the 10 Commandments and reject two decent, church-going people because of their political leanings and colour of their skin.
In case you have not noticed, the 2020 European Championship in football/soccer is being played a year late.
I have even watched a few games. My conclusion is that the game would be greatly improved if the offside rule were to be changed/dropped.
Many years ago, I played the sport to the university level. There was no professional league in the United States, so this was the peak. I recall the offside rule being introduced, as well as the throw-in if the ball goes out of bounds. Change is impossible in such a conservative world. Even suggesting a change to make the game more exciting is sacrilege. Purity of a boring game is sacred. The offside rule is the dumbest rule in any sport.
If one spends any time cruising various media outlets, one is constantly confronted with stories or about how to lose weight or live healthier or advertisements of every possible solution. Because of this plethora, the obvious conclusion is that there is no “cure” for obesity and no holy grail filled with a potion to guarantee health, unless you are foolish enough to believe advertisement promises.
My conclusion of how to solve the problem of being overweight, after years of seeing fat people, is simple: eat less. Of course, this takes understanding the problem and massive self-discipline. There is the problem of urges, the problem of appeal, and the problem of good taste. Few people can resist all, or even one.
Sadly, self-discipline is not a leading human trait. So, companies make billions selling diet plans, pills, books, special foods, etc.
…and people still become and remain overweight and cash keeps rolling in.
Americans Shocked to Learn That Giuliani Had Law License
By Andy Borowitz
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—After the state of New York banned Rudy Giuliani from practicing law, Americans expressed utter shock and disbelief that he had a law license.
“I did not know that he was an actual lawyer,” Carol Foyler, who lives in Bridgeport, Connecticut, said. “I just thought he was some skeezy guy Trump met at a wedding or something.”
“The fact that Rudy Giuliani had a law license shows that the system for granting law licenses is broken,” Harland Dorrinson, a resident of Toledo, Ohio, said. “There need to be background checks to prevent this sort of thing from happening in the future.”
Tracy Klugian, a spokesman for the New York State Supreme Court’s appellate division, said that their offices have been deluged with requests for law licenses ever since the Giuliani news broke. “People now think we’ll give a law license to anyone,” he said.
It appears that geniuses running the UK government and military have not read any history of their nation. And, they do not understand simple math involved in military planning.
The UK has one—one—new ship with some modern military technology. This ship was sent to the Black Sea to project strength and to show “solidarity” with Ukraine. This upset the Russians, but did not impress them. They have read history.
The UK folks do not seem to know about the Crimean War, in which a bunch of soldiers, sent by stupid fat cats wallowing in London clubs, died ignoble deaths. At the time, Britain was thought to be the dominant military force. The loss made an impression on some countries under the thumb of the British, because they learned that the Brits were not invincible. Now, everyone—especially the Russians—knows that the Brits are weak in everything but rhetoric.
Watching how various nations deal with their history can be interesting and enlightening. As is well-known, everything is life is relative. All one has to do is compare.
Take Germany, for example. This country has been naughty towards its neighbours more than once in the past. That being said, the last time was particularly nasty. Instead of covering up or hiding from the truth, the evil of the ancestors is taught in schools and brought up regularly in the media. Of course, their neighbours will not let them forget, but politicians of most leaning tend to applaud the openness and express regret of dirty deeds of the past.
Now, there is that self-proclaimed Shining Light of Democracy: the United States of Disagreement. Here is a nation that tried to destroy itself of national television a few short months ago. Quite soon afterwards, the perpetrators and their enablers began a campaign to deny what people show with their own eyes. History is being re-written before it can even be written.
I wonder which country is more respected by intelligent, honest, and decent people….
Mitch McConnell Warns That Voting Bill Would Bring U.S. to Brink of Democracy
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Blasting the For the People Act, Senator Mitch McConnell claimed that the bill’s passage would bring the United States “to the brink of democracy.”
“The Democrats can dress this bill up any way they want, but their real agenda couldn’t be clearer,” the Senate Minority Leader said. “They want to turn the United States of America that we love and cherish into a democracy.”
Noting that the word “democracy” originated in ancient Greece, he vowed, “I will not sit idly by and watch a foreign form of government sneak across our border.”
McConnell rallied his fellow Republican senators by reminding them that “we’re the only thing standing between this country and democracy.”
“The people who voted for us did not vote for us so that other people could vote for other people,” he said.
Most, if not all, people misconstrue the decision by the corrupt fools running the Texas government to build a wall along the border with Mexico to be a) a means to deter illegal immigrant, or b) salve to the imagined wounds to the head Clown. Anyone that has read history and knows a bit about Texas is certain that this is actually a way to funnel taxpayer money to businessmen, who will return it is a political contributions.
Lyndon Johnson owes his political career to two businessmen and one of the world’s largest construction companies owes its success to Lyndon Johnson and lucrative government contracts.
Some people are being awarded a Texas government contract to build a useless wall (people will climb over or go around). And politicians will reap the benefit of this money. And, taxpayers will be deceived and will lose out on any benefit the money might bring if spent wisely and without corruption.
I have said this before and do not know why I continue to be surprised, but each day brings a headline or media report about how worthless the US form of government is. Every day another story reveals how one senator can block progress and change. When something does get done, it is always some watered-down compromise. There is nothing wrong with compromise, if both parties have the interest of the country in mind. That never happens in the US Senate or House of Representatives. Anyone having the interest of the majority of the population in mind has no chance of success.
I believe in benevolent dictatorship…especially if they let me be the dictator.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.