Marjorie Taylor Greene Claims Video of Her Is Actually George Soros in Disguise
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid a firestorm of controversy, Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene explained that an offensive video of her that has been widely circulated in recent days is actually George Soros in disguise.
“Whenever I donate clothes to a consignment shop, Soros gets a ping on his phone and buys it all up,” she alleged. “Then he spends weeks practicing walking in my heels.”
Additionally, she claimed, “George Soros has a Marjorie Taylor Greene latex mask, like they have in ‘Mission Impossible.’ If you put me and Soros side by side, you would not be able to tell us apart.”
Asked where Soros had obtained the technology to accomplish his astounding impersonation, she replied, “Hello? His best friend, Bill Gates?”
Greene also said that she was not surprised that the Hungarian-born billionaire had perfected an imitation of her voice. “He’s been coached by the best of the best: Oscar winner Meryl Streep,” she said.
Reacting to Greene’s comments, House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy told reporters, “I knew there had to be a reasonable explanation. Let’s move on.”
Kevin McCarthy Stuck with Check for Lunch at Mar-a-Lago
By Andy Borowitz
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Kevin McCarthy was stuck with an “extremely large” check after having lunch at Mar-a-Lago, aides have confirmed.
The House Minority Leader had enjoyed a sumptuous five-course lunch with one other person, but when the check arrived his dining companion had vanished.
The check, which amounted to more than seven hundred dollars, raised eyebrows among the congressman’s staff.
“Even if you count all the Diet Cokes, that was a lot,” one staffer said.
Upon closer examination, the lunch bill included a mysterious “administrative charge” amounting to six hundred dollars, which McCarthy had no choice but to pay.
For his part, the Republican leader said that his visit to Mar-a-Lago was “great,” and downplayed reports that he was unable to get his parking validated, costing him an additional ninety dollars
I am reading the biography of Catherine the Great, the story of a young German girl trafficked by her parents and Frederick the Great. Russian history is long and complicated, inextricably entwined in European history, which is equally long and more complicated.
The history of the United States of America is rather simple and straightforward. Some Italian dude sailed across the Atlantic and landed on a Caribbean Island, but still had a holiday named after him. Some Portuguese dude arrived later, but had a continent or two named after him. Later, a bunch of white guys landed on the shores of North America, having evaded prosecution, debt, or persecution in Europe and stole the lands of the original occupants. Some carried in their minds permission from the English king to take whatever they wanted. At some point, these white guys decided that paying taxes to an English king was no fun, so they started a revolution (sorta like a bunch of white folks attacking Congress). Once the Redcoats went home with tails between their legs to get new jobs (the losing general got a cushy post in India, where his wife forced everyone to be pious, spoiling the fun English troops had enjoyed), the white guys wrote a Constitution giving everyone the right to own a gun. And, here we are…
Meanwhile, history in Russia was all about one family and their friends owning everything (sorta like the US headed), until a bunch of white guys killed them and created a huge income gap known as “communism” (a lot for a few at the top and nothing for the majority at the bottom). Many miss the good days of Catherine, but 13 families and their figurehead control of the guns and sources of income.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Making Americans Nostalgic for Wisdom of Sarah Palin
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The emergence of Marjorie Taylor Greene is making Americans nostalgic for the wisdom and erudition of Sarah Palin, new polling shows.
In focus groups conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, participants revealed that they were suddenly revising their earlier negative opinions of the former Alaska governor, and were now grateful for her incisive commentary and geopolitical acumen.
In light of recent developments, Palin’s inability to name a Supreme Court decision she disagreed with or a periodical she read, along with her controversial claims about the visibility of Russia, seem like “no big deal,” one member of the focus group said.
“At the time, I thought she bombed her interview with Katie Couric,” he said. “Looking back on it now, I think she kind of nailed it.”
Another focus-group participant said that, while Palin was unable to define what the Bush doctrine was, “at least she wasn’t obsessed with baby-eating cannibals controlled by George Soros.”
“I miss her,” he said
All past presidents have slipped to relative obscurity. Tragically, the worst president in history is going to battle on. That means the world will be tortured with his ugly face, butchering of the language, constant lying. Cure for the virus might provide relief, but this disease is incurable and will plague the nation forever.
Republicans Say It Is Unconstitutional to Hold Officials Accountable Unless They Are Hillary
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Explaining their vote against an impeachment trial, Senate Republicans asserted that it is unconstitutional to hold government officials accountable unless they are Hillary Clinton.
“I’ve consulted with the finest constitutional lawyers in the country,” Senator John Cornyn, of Texas, said. “Without exception, they determined that the enforcement measures that the Framers created, in 1787, were intended only to be used in cases of Hillary.”
Senator Josh Hawley, of Missouri, concurred. “To see legal guardrails that James Madison explicitly designed for Hillary Clinton used on someone who is demonstrably not Hillary Clinton is a disgrace,” he said.
Senator Lindsey Graham, of South Carolina, struck a more conciliatory note, suggesting that there were circumstances under which Senate Republicans might support an impeachment trial next month. “If a decision were made to put Hillary Clinton on trial, we would be on board with that,” he said.
A raincloud does not recognise national borders. A hurricane does not understand political parties. Drought does not differentiate between rich and poor.
Viruses are not interested in anything but themselves…just like the past president of the United States. They are most deadly where preparations and protective measures are weakest or non-existent. They thrive on political disunity. They recognize no nationality, so restrictions are a meaningless defence. They are the only thing, besides air, which faces no bureaucratic hurdles to cross a border. No paperwork is demanded; no tariff levied.
And, viruses love incompetent, bumbling governments….
Biden’s Coronavirus Plan Calls for Americans to Stay Home and Watch Impeachment
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Unveiling a bold new plan to fight the coronavirus, President Biden called on Americans to stay at home next month and watch the impeachment trial.
“I recognize that I’m asking everyone to make a tremendous sacrifice,” he said. “That’s why I’m issuing a stay-at-home order only for a time when there’s something really good on TV.”
The President denied that asking all Americans to watch the impeachment trial was at odds with his pledge to unify the nation.
“Look—here’s the deal,” he said. “People watch the Super Bowl every year, even when there are two teams nobody cares about. The impeachment has two teams everybody cares about.”
“There’s nothing more unifying than when everybody is watching the same show,” he added. “Look at how ‘Tiger King’ brought us together. Look at ‘Bridgerton.’ Come on, man.
Why is that Republicans can get away with doing and saying anything. There is no accountability and no consequences. Democrats are lambasted for minor slips of the tongue or harassed with witch hunts (ie. Bengasi). Perhaps, the average Democrats is too nice, honest would be ashamed of bad behaviour, and is less-hypocritical, whereas Republicans are shameless, two-faced, lying crooks.
Welcome to the Land of the Free (to do whatever they want) and the Home of the Brave (who endure the injustice).
Giuliani Says He Cannot Pay $1.3 Billion in Damages Because He Does Not Know Any Real Billionaires
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to Dominion Voting Systems’ huge defamation lawsuit against him, Rudy Giuliani said that he would not be able to pay $1.3 billion in damages because he does not know any real billionaires.
“If I knew an actual billionaire, I’d say, ‘Hey, I’m in a tough fix. Can you help me pay off this thing?’ ” Giuliani said. “But I don’t know anyone like that.”
Not only does he not know any actual billionaires, but the people he does know are “just the opposite,” Giuliani said.
“Forget about $1.3 billion,” he scoffed. “They can’t even pay their legal bills.”
The former New York mayor said that, if Dominion wins its case against him, he will have no choice but to declare bankruptcy. “I guess I do know someone who could help me with that,” he said.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.