We can't take any credit for our talents. It's how we use them that counts.
Trump Addresses Rally of Ambien Users
By Andy Borowitz
NASHVILLE (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump held a rally in Nashville on Tuesday night and addressed his most ardent supporters, people who take the sleep medication known as Ambien.
Trump served up a hefty helping of fiery rhetoric guaranteed to appeal to Ambien users, whose votes propelled him to the White House, in 2016.
Trump defended his use of the word “animals” to describe some undocumented immigrants, earning a huge ovation from the Ambien-dosed crowd.
He also said that Mexico would pay for a wall on its border with the U.S., a claim that he has repeatedly made while under the influence of Ambien.
Although some have criticized Trump for using code words and dog whistles guaranteed to appeal to the worst instincts of his Ambien-using base, Carol Foyler, who attended the Nashville rally, disagreed.
“Donald Trump says what I think when I’m messed up on Ambien,” she said.
I read where scientists have finally identified the elusive “missing link”, both female and male. To avoid litigation, they will identify these creatures only with initials: R. B. And A. J. They expect to reveal more.
Many have felt this discovery was staring everyone in the face, but all facets of evolution have always been controversial. Such is the theory that those making up the missing link do not display some of the positive characteristics of animals having developed earlier in the chain.
White House in Panic Mode After TV Star with Racist Twitter Feed Loses Job
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House was reportedly in panic mode Tuesday afternoon, shortly after news broke that a television star with a racist Twitter feed had been fired.
According to a White House source, Donald J. Trump immediately huddled with close advisers to discuss the firing, which, staffers agreed, “set an ominous new precedent.”
“We’ve been living under assumption that a TV personality could tweet out as many racist things as he or she wanted with no consequences,” the source said. “Now, all of a sudden, our worst nightmare has come true.”
White House staffers are reportedly combing through Trump’s thirty-seven thousand tweets, searching for ones that could be deemed fireable offenses, and have so far flagged more than thirty-six thousand of them.
Many on Trump’s team are urging calm, however, claiming that the dismissal of one racist TV star could be an “isolated example.”
“The only people who can fire Donald Trump right now are congressional Republicans, and they don’t have the high moral standards that TV executives have,” the source said.
If you spend any time in Dubai, you will surely be tempted to visit a mall or two. The main malls are massive and offer most consumer goods made by man and machine. At the top end, all the best products are offered (the same is true for cars, where even the police drive Ferrari and Lamborghini). Temptation is ensured, but funds rarely meet the demands.
Anyway, the electronic shops display the biggest and best that Korea and Japan have to offer. Few are still alive that remember when the United States made televisions! Even Japan has a hard time competing with the Koreans.
The above-mentioned temptation kicked into high gear in front of the large screen televisions. I have always had a large television, but not as big as now on offer. I wanted one with an 85 inch screen. This approached the size one could get with a projection television, which never produced the quality of the latest HD flat screen models. Buying in Dubai was never an issue, because the bloody thing wouldn’t fit in my suitcase. So I procrastinated.
Last week, I finally succumbed to the urge and bought a new television, which is obscenely large. Which was the whole point. But, it is also offers great quality viewing experience. This is my one luxury (after travel). Too bad that I can’t find much of interest to watch…
This headline, seen in a UK newspaper, reveals how many see recent change in god’s chosen country: “From big power to Big Mouth power.”
Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
Since the United States is slipping back into Medieval Age mentality, there will surely be an increase in tourists from that country visiting Ireland.
I noticed a headline in the Washington Post that asked: “Did the media, led by Walter Cronkite, lose war in Vietnam?”
This has to be the pinnacle of “blame the media” cries. Having participated in the folly and read extensively on the history, I do not recall any instance of the media having a negative impact. The only negative impact was on those responsible for the stupidity and war crimes.
This is also surprising, since most of the people involved in entering, bungling, and abandoning an ally have died. So, why ask the question? Perhaps some people are preparing for more “blame the media” games to come. This is even more likely, given the lies coming out of Washington.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.