Trump Hides Under Desk After Diet Coke Can Opens Loudly
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a moment of high drama at the White House on Tuesday morning, Donald J. Trump dove under his desk after a can of Diet Coke opened with an unexpectedly loud sound.
Moments earlier, Trump had pressed a button on his desk, summoning Vice-President Mike Pence to the Oval Office to serve him the frosty beverage.
According to one aide, when Pence opened the can, it made “an unusually loud noise,” sending Trump ducking under his desk in a millisecond.
At a news conference, minutes later, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, attempted to tamp down speculation that Trump had acted in a cowardly manner during the Diet Coke incident. “The President prudently repositioned himself under his desk in an aggressive crouch,” she said. “He was ready for anything.”
Pence agreed with her assessment. “The President was putting himself in a position where, if need be, he could defend the entire country against an attack,” he said. “I, for one, am honored to serve a man of such valor.”
The White House physician, Ronny Jackson, also had high praise for Trump. “He has the ability to flee a loud noise of a man half his age,” the doctor said.
Norway has a lot to speak for its form of government and culture,. This is a country that is about as socialist as the come, using all the oil wealth for the citizens and ensuing equitable pay and benefits, But, gun control seems to parallel that of god’s chosen country.
This is 2018. There was a mass shooting in 2011. That’s 7 years ago. Now, they have passed a law banning semi-automatic weapons. Admirable…?
Sadly, the law will not take effect for another 3 years: 2021. So, Norway needed 10 years to take action after a national tragedy.
There are some things about life on this planet that I do not understand. Or, maybe I do, if I consider that humans are stupid, corruptable, and hypocritical.
Trump Orders Parade to Celebrate His Hypothetical Act of Heroism in Florida School
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after he declared that he would have run into a Florida high school unarmed to thwart a mass shooting, Donald J. Trump announced that he was planning a parade in Washington, D.C., to celebrate his hypothetical act of heroism.
“Anyone can act with bravery in the moment,” Trump told reporters in the White House. “But it takes a very special kind of hero to tell people about the incredibly brave thing he would have done weeks after the thing happened.”
He added that it was one of his greatest regrets that bone spurs prevented him from serving in the Vietnam War, “because the really courageous things I would have done during that war would have been off the charts.”
“As soon as the Tet Offensive happened, I would have run unarmed right into that mess,” he said. “We probably would have won the war right after I did that.”
Trump said that the parade he was ordering would honor not only him but all of America’s “last responders.”
According to a new poll, Trump’s assertion that he would have run into the Florida high school unarmed was believed by his daughter Ivanka.
“The way they performed was really a disgrace,” he added. “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.”
These are the bold words of someone that refused to serve his country, when those with less money and no connections did not. Many died, were wounded, or suffered mental deterioration, while this wimp bought five deferments.
There is a saying about talk being cheap; talk can also be disgraceful. But, that is what we have come to expect from the Clown-With-The-Funny-Hair, chief deluded egomaniac.
Christianity is the most perverted system that ever shone on man.
A corollary to the specious claim “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” has been added: the equally ridiculous suggestion that more guns will solve the gun problem. The genius that came up with idea of giving little old “Miss Higgins” a gun to defend her students must surely work for the NRA.
This idea arose even after it was learned that the armed guard at the school at which a recent slaughter of children occurred—with a military grade weapon easily bought by anyone able to breathe and with money—hid from the gunman. So, even “good guys with guns” are no guarantee for defenceless school children against a “bad guy with a gun”. So, put your money on “Miss Higgins”.
This announcement also came on a day, when the Florida legislature refused to take up discussion of a gun control measure. They had more important business: discuss on legislation to curb pornography. Sex is more harmful than guns to the children of Florida.
Of course, the Genius-In-Chief thinks (no, he does not think, he believes, because someone told him to mouth the words) that this is a good idea. But, one report suggests that arming only 20% of teachers would amount to more handguns than the US military has, surely pleasing stockholders of weapons manufacturers.
So, more people to kill people in god’s chosen country, since guns don’t kill people…
Thinking is more interesting than knowing, but less interesting than looking.
I spotted an old-fashioned pinball machine in a television program. I recall trying this game a time or two. I was not talented and did not take the time (and money) to improve.
Watching this, I thought of computer games. They are not as stimulating, perhaps because every move is on a screen and manipulated by software. There is something tactile about the old games, even if they do seem primitive my modern standards. Size might have matter, because smaller is not always better. And, they were always in a room with other people, such as a bar.
Trump Furious After Twitter’s Bot Purge Leaves Him with Fourteen Followers
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly “furious” on Wednesday morning after a purge of right-wing bots by Twitter left him with a total of fourteen remaining followers, aides have confirmed.
Rising at 3 a.m. to engage in one of his trademark early-morning tweetstorms, Trump was incensed to discover that his Twitter following had plummeted from more than forty-eight million to a little more than a dozen.
At Twitter headquarters, in San Francisco, a company spokesman confirmed that Trump had indeed lost 48,076,920 followers in the bot purge. “It turned out that over forty-six million of the President’s followers came from a single troll farm in Macedonia,” the spokesman said.
As of Wednesday, Trump’s fourteen remaining Twitter followers included his daughter Ivanka; his sons Eric and Donald, Jr.; several White House aides; and someone named Heinrich Himmler III.
“We’re praying that Heinrich is a real person,” a White House aide said. “The President can’t afford to lose another follower.”
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.