..People with limited knowledge of the English language and people that learned the language and then moved away, might have trouble communicating in the United States. Even simple words, like yes, are no longer used. Instead, the response to a questions is, invariably, absolutely. Whatever that means. Or, if you order something in a restaurant, the reply might be awesome. The less-clever foreigner might not be sure if that means yes, no, or…you are under arrest.
Language has always been fluid, but some changes make no sense. Like many aspects of life in the United States...
Trump Unsure Who This Manafort Person Is
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asked to comment on the arrest of Paul Manafort on Monday, Donald Trump told reporters that he was not sure “who this Manafort person is.”
“There’s been a lot of talk about this guy, Peter Manafort, or whoever, this morning,” Trump said. “The name doesn’t really ring a bell with me. I’ll have to have someone Google him and figure out exactly who he’s supposed to be.”
When reporters pointed out that Manafort had been his campaign chairman in 2016, Trump responded angrily. “I just told you I never heard of him,” he said. “What’s his name again? I can’t even remember his name. That’s proof.”
Before bringing his conversation with reporters to an abrupt close, Trump offered a theory of who Manafort might be. “You’re telling me he ran a campaign,” Trump said. “If he ran anybody’s campaign, it was Hillary’s.”
On Capitol Hill, Trump’s Republican defenders seized on his denial and called for immediate hearings to determine possible links between Hillary Clinton and Paul Manafort.
“What’s becoming crystal clear is that, while pretending to be Donald Trump’s campaign chairman, Paul Manafort was actually Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman,” Representative Trey Gowdy, of South Carolina, said. “That’s the real story here.”
Millions Disappointed It Wasn’t Jared
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the general jubilation over the arrest of Paul Manafort on Monday, millions of Americans reported extreme disappointment that the first person arrested from Robert Mueller’s Russia probe was not Jared Kushner. Across the country, downcast Americans commiserated over the news that their choice for Mueller’s first indictment had been overlooked.
“I know it makes me sound petty, since today is a day of national celebration,” Harland Dorrinson, who had been holding a Kushner-arrest-watch party in suburban Toledo, said. “But for a lot of us who had had our hopes set on Jared, today is bittersweet.”
Tracy Klugian, who watched news of Manafort’s arrest from her home in San Jose, agreed. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that Manafort’s being brought in,” she said. “But he’s no Jared.”
Davis Logsdon, a clinical psychologist at the University of Minnesota Medical Center, said that he is counselling patients who are dealing with the “severe emotional letdown” of the first person arrested not being Jared.
“I’m urging them to see this disappointment as an opportunity for growth,” Logsdon said. “It’s true that none of the first three arrests was Jared, but we have to live with that reality. And, perhaps, if we are patient, the fourth, fifth, or even fiftieth arrest will be Jared.”
Against my will, I have been forced to travel to a far distant alien world…
Once here, I endured the rigorous task of visiting three parks in one day. For the minimal fee of $199, one is allowed to stand in long lines (shortest 35 minutes; longest 2 hours) for attractions, pay high prices for food and drink, and struggle to avoid collisions with baby carriages and mobility scooters enduring the weight of corn-fed American citizens.
At the end of the day, I had walked 13 kilometres, but only managed to visit three “rides”.
I did mange to travel around the world at Epcot, which offered small portions of food and drink from many countries at a high price. We helped the economies of France, Germany, Japan, Norway, Thailand, and Japan…uh, I mean Disney executive bonuses and shareholder dividends. Recent news reports suggest that Disney workers, or rather “Cast Members”, are underpaid, exploited, and planning strikes. How will that affect the “happiest place on earth”?
Despite the masses of small children, one hears few complaints. The mood is contentment…or bewilderment. People have traveled for miles and will not let long lines and high prices shatter illusions built up over years of anticipation Perhaps, when credit card bills arrive, people will evaluate the value of the trip of a lifetime.
I made the effort, so you can be warned: a day a Disney park is expensive and tiring. Still, it is a special place and they do a good job of making you feel like it was worth the effort and the money.
Excited Crowd Outside Mueller’s Office Awaits First Arrest
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A crowd estimated in the hundreds of thousands has gathered outside the office of Robert Mueller in eager anticipation of the special counsel’s first arrest in the Russia probe.
Minutes after news was leaked that charges had been filed, Americans from across the country descended on Mueller’s office to witness firsthand what many called the beginning of the end of the nightmare.
“I can’t believe this day has finally come,” Carol Foyler, who drove from North Carolina, said. “My husband is having surgery today, but I didn’t want to miss this.”
Although the gathering has been largely peaceful, isolated arguments have erupted over which member of Trump’s circle the attendees would like Mueller to arrest first.
A faction shouting “Don, Jr.” started pushing and shoving another group chanting “Jared” before police intervened.
One policeman said that law enforcement had been flabbergasted by the size of the crowd, which could reach a million. “We definitely didn’t see anything like this at the Inauguration,” he said.
Criticising the United States is not wise. There are factors that can take revenge. Because of that, I was forced to test the medical services of this country. The “revenge” was unpleasant; the medical service was surprisingly good and reasonably priced.
A simple walk on a beach in Florida resulted in…
The doctor informed me—after I had signed a bunch of forms and paid $126—that I had been attacked by no-see-ums. Well, I had been attacked and I had not see or felt anything, perhaps because of a strong wind. According to the doctor, I would have suffered worse bites if there had been no wind. All exposed areas look like the foto above, except the face.
I noticed that the US Government has released documents about the JFK assassination. Of course they have. This will take people’s attention away from all the evil things they are doing and to deflect criticism of the Clown-With-The-Funny-Hair.
Trump Signs New Travel Ban Preventing Republican Senators from FleeingBy Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump on Wednesday signed an emergency travel ban preventing Republicans from fleeing the United States Senate.
In a sombre Oval Office ceremony, a grim-faced Trump signed the ban, which he said would remain in effect “until we figure out what the hell is going on.”
The executive order calls for the relocation of three hundred Border Patrol officers from the Mexican border to Washington, D.C., in order to form what Trump called “a human ring of steel” around the Capitol Building.
Under the travel ban, Republican senators will be permitted to leave their seats in the Senate chamber for meals and bathroom breaks but will be strictly forbidden from speaking to journalists in the building’s corridors.
Susan Collins, of Maine, one of the Republicans affected by the ban, called attention to the growing humanitarian crisis inside the Capitol. “If you have a shred of decency, Mr. President, let us leave the Senate,” Collins said. “Let us follow our dream of a better life.”
In retaliation, Trump reportedly told Border Patrol agents that if Collins is caught trying to escape she should be returned to the Senate and forced to sit next to Ted Cruz.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.