White House Says Pardons Will Be Given First to Essential Frontline Criminals
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than fifty days until the Inauguration, the White House is facing the daunting task of distributing thousands of pardons to those who are desperately in need.
In an effort to insure an orderly rollout of pardons, the Trump Administration announced that the first recipients would be essential frontline criminals.
According to the announcement, essential frontline criminals include all White House staffers and Cabinet members who have spent the past four years receiving improper emoluments, destroying evidence, and subverting democracy.
“These essential criminals have risked imprisonment day in, day out, for the good of President Trump,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “They need to be immunized, so that they can continue their important work.”
The announcement immediately raised concerns among frontline criminals, who fear that their swelling numbers, believed to be in the tens of thousands, could mean that there would not be enough pardons to go around.
McEnany, however, sought to allay those fears. “President Trump has invoked the Defense Production Act to ramp up the manufacturing of Sharpies,” she said.
I’ll tell you what I am looking forward to: not seeing an ugly orange face every time I turn around. The corona virus is bad, but at least it is invisible. And, there is a scientific solution to the problem. The ugly orange face is like gum on the sole of a shoe: useless and unable to remove.
Today, snow fell on Germany.
In past years, snow has fallen once or twice in a year. Usually, December gets one dusting, which everyone hopes will occur on Christmas Day. I do not recall this ever happening. So, this year, the White Christmas happened on December 1. But since the actual celebration is a date chosen at random to mark an imagined birthday, White Christmas can be when I choose.
Trump Tries to Prove He Is Fitter Than Biden by Playing Fetch with Pence on White House Lawn
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an attempt to demonstrate that he is in better physical condition than President-elect Joe Biden, Donald J. Trump spent part of Monday morning playing fetch with Mike Pence on the White House lawn.
The press corps was invited to the event, at which Trump, seated on a golf cart, hurled tennis ball after tennis ball at his Vice-President, who obediently retrieved them.
At one point in the demonstration, Pence paused to praise his boss’s “amazing stamina.”
“Mr. President, I always knew that your mental acuity was beyond compare, but I must say that your physical strength and endurance are nothing short of miraculous,” Pence said.
“I can’t hear you with that tennis ball in your mouth,” Trump replied.
After half an hour of fetching, Pence became winded and was replaced by Senator Lindsey Graham
There was a time when the Senate harassed people for imagined “un-American activities”. Why not crank up the committee an investigate people trying to destroy the country by attacking the election process? Denigrating democracy is the ultimate in un-American activities. Many Republicans, starting with the failed “leader”, should stand trial.
I just noticed a news item announcing that Amazon has hired about 430,000 workers. This comes on the heels of the announcement by Disney of the release of 32,000 employees.
This shows the direction of the United States, from entertainment to shopping. An x-box or airbuds are more gratifying and easily accessible than Mickey Mouse.
Putin Warns That U.S. Will Be Controlled by Americans
By Andy Borowitz
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that his “darkest fears have been confirmed,” Vladimir Putin warned that the United States is on the verge of being controlled by Americans.
Speaking to reporters at the Kremlin, the Russian President alleged that President-elect Joe Biden was “the handpicked instrument of those who would seek to advance American interests.”
“Joe Biden is no more and no less than a puppet of the American people,” he charged.
“His Cabinet appointments have left little doubt that, after four years of progress, the United States has fallen into American hands,” he said. “Joe Biden is keenly aware that Americans put him in power, and he will do their bidding.”
Russia experts said that Putin’s remarks were as close to a concession speech as he is likely to make.
Okay, finally…yes, finally, it’s official. The corona pandemic is something serious, which people should recognise and act accordingly.
The Pope, yes, god’s chosen human, has announced that masks should be worn. But, the US continues to set records, because it has the bestest president ever. That’s what so many gave thanks for, as they crowded airports for the trip home. The biggest turkeys were not on tables across America, they were sitting at the table.
Good see return to government of competent and decent people. Good to see commitment to working together with other nations. But, the more things change, the more they stay the same. The Republicans will block everything they can. Democrats will be to nice.
But, many are not so sure about the bragging about again becoming leader. Most countries want a partner, not a boss.
And, the problem remains, that too many people suffer under the misconception that judges are impartial. Most are not. They are beholden to religion and politics. Many ignore the Constitution, which calls for separation of church and state, and follow the dictates of whatever faith the profess to follow. Their political leanings are apparent in every ruling.
Melania Banishes Trump to Children’s Table
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that his tantrum about losing the election had ruined Thanksgiving, Melania Trump exiled her husband to the children’s table.
Donald J. Trump’s expulsion occurred shortly after his wife asked those at the grownups’ table to name things for which they were thankful.
Jared Kushner named “doing such a kick-ass job on the pandemic,” Ivanka Trump cited “that I didn’t talk to Bob Woodward,” and Rudy Giuliani chose “my beautiful, naturally dark hair.”
When it was the President’s turn, he launched into a ten-minute tirade about an election-stealing conspiracy involving George Soros, Dr. Anthony Fauci, and “well-known Antifa sympathizer Tucker Carlson.”
By the time he began calling for the imprisonment of Lesley Stahl, Melania had heard enough.
“You just wrecked Thanksgiving, which is my favorite holiday,” she said. “It’s not like Christmas, which totally blows.”
She then banished her sulking husband to the children’s table, causing Barron Trump to remark, “Why am I being punished?”
Barron later emerged victorious in a wishbone game with his father, who demanded that the result of that contest be overturned
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.