Elise Stefanik Replaces Ivanka as Trump’s Daughter
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Consolidating her position as America’s foremost Trump loyalist, Representative Elise Stefanik stunned political insiders on Wednesday by replacing Ivanka Trump as one of the former President’s daughters.
According to those familiar with the shakeup, Donald Trump made the move after Stefanik spent months convincing him that she was substantially more loyal than his now former daughter.
In an official statement from Mar-a-Lago, Trump wished Ivanka well, adding, “She had a good run.”
Stefanik, who is running to replace Representative Liz Cheney as chair of the House Republican Conference, put to rest any doubt that she could handle that job while fulfilling her responsibilities as Trump’s daughter.
“They’re basically the same job,” she said. “I just have to say ‘Yes, Daddy.’ ”
Anyone having studied philosophy—and people like me, who have not but have read a great deal—will know that there is no such thing as truth, only what someone believes to be the truth. The scientific method demands facts, proof of facts, and continued search for new facts.
Sadly, one “truth” is blatantly obvious: the word “lie” no longer has any meaning or significance. Republican politicians have no regard for facts, so their lies become the “truth” for themselves and their cult followers. Sadly, they have proven philosophers to be “right”.
Kevin McCarthy Forced to Fly to Mar-a-Lago to Sit and Listen to Things Trump Would Have Posted on Facebook
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Kevin McCarthy has been repeatedly summoned to Mar-a-Lago over the past week to sit and listen to Donald J. Trump recite things that he would have posted on Facebook, the House Minority Leader has confirmed.
Since Trump’s ban by the social-media platform was upheld, the former President has commanded McCarthy on three separate occasions to fly down to Palm Beach to hear the forbidden posts.
“It was really interesting, for example, to hear what he had to say about Elon Musk hosting ‘S.N.L’ ” McCarthy, who was returning from Reagan National Airport, said. “He thought that Musk was not nearly as good as he’d been.”
McCarthy said that the repeated summons to Mar-a-Lago were “in no way” interfering with his ability to attend to his duties in Washington.
“It’s no trouble at all,” McCarthy said. “Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Don, Jr., are all there, too, and they’re not allowed to leave the room, either. It’s an honor to be included.”
I have a question.
What religion is Mars? Or, rather, what religion will screw up the Red Planet? Reports of human germs contaminating the planet are already circulating, so religious poison can not be far behind. And, because Americans tout inclusivity, they will surely haul member of various sects to the faraway planet, perpetuating the endless squabble of Earth.
There will surely be disagreements and fights among the various nations that make the journey and set up shop. Which language will dominate: English or Chinese?
I haven’t noticed any past astronauts carrying firearms, but the first ones to travel to Mars will surely be armed. They will have to battle the second ones to arrive. Shooting one another is the human way.
G.O.P. Claims Biden Is Artificially Inflating Job-Approval Rating By Displaying Competence
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With a new Associated Press poll showing Joe Biden garnering a sixty-three-per-cent general-approval rating, Republicans are accusing the President of “artificially inflating” that number through “blatant displays of competence.”
“Joe Biden is the consummate Washington insider, and he knows how to game these polls,” Senator Rand Paul said. “If you want to get a high approval rating, all you have to do is do a job that people approve of.”
Senator Ted Cruz agreed. “Joe Biden is so desperate to have a high approval rating that he’s been using every day in office to deliver results to the American people,” he charged. “I for one find this behavior beneath contempt.”
Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene called Biden’s seventy-one-per-cent approval rating for his handling of the pandemic “a joke,” noting, “If all you care about is people liking the way you handle the pandemic, I guess you’d handle the pandemic all the livelong day. Big whoop.”
The Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, said that Biden “should take no comfort” in his high approval numbers. “When people get tired of Biden’s competence—and they will—they’ll vote Republican,” he said.
Millions Ask Facebook to Ban Their Relatives
By Andy Borowitz
MENLO PARK, CALIFORNIA (The Borowitz Report)—In a petition signed by a staggering number of the platform’s users, millions are asking Facebook to ban their relatives.
The signatories to the petition praised Facebook for its decision to ban the online rants of Donald J. Trump, but argued that the move “does not go far enough.”
“A major source of conspiracy theories, misinformation, and hate-mongering still exists on Facebook—namely, our relatives,” the petition read.
Although the signatories said that they had already taken steps to block their relatives, they declared that it was “Facebook’s responsibility to keep them from irritating other users.”
Responding to the petition, Facebook’s C.E.O., Mark Zuckerberg, said that, rather than banning the objectionable relatives, he would refer the decision to the company’s Oversight Board.
The board, however, tossed the decision back into Zuckerberg’s court, as the members asked him to ban their own horrible relatives.
Nations thrive or suffer because of myths created by themselves or imposed upon them by others.
The United States likes to think of themselves as the best nation ever. God’s chosen, even. Although its contribution to defeating dictatorship in the 1940s was significant, it also led to a form of beneficial capitalist dominance. Any mention of earlier atrocities is strictly avoided. The word “great” is over-used. Of course, Great Britain, which applied the word in its name, likes to bask in the imagined glory of its former empire, which was nothing more than global plunder, much more blatant than the US variety. Germany, on the other hand, was stained by the antics of one man and his band of enablers. It is not allowed to forget this, mainly because neighbours and business competitors fear its talents and abilities.
China is trying to overcome its centuries-old inferiority complex, using hatred of all those that held them back. Russia has its own complexes to overcome and exploit.
Of course, it’s myths that separate humans from other species.
When I scan the headlines of various types of media to see how the world is turning, I come to the conclusion that too many people have really sad lives. Why is anyone is interested in the lives of the “royal” family or various celebrities or so-called “influencers”? Are people not able to find interest and contentment in their own lives? Or, if their lives are less-than satisfactory, why do they not seek to change something? There is nothing truly satisfying or beneficial in vicariousness.
Trump Urges Supporters to Follow Him on Facebook Total Landscaping
By Andy Borowitz
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—A defiant Donald J. Trump is urging his supporters to follow him on Facebook Total Landscaping, a new social network he has created.
“Facebook Total Landscaping will be the biggest social network in the world, way bigger than what that loser Zuckerberg came up with,” he said. “No one’s on Facebook.”
Trump said that his new social-media platform, which will operate out of a parking lot outside Philadelphia, will be run by his former attorney Rudolph Giuliani, “so you know it’s going to be terrific.”
“Rudy’s out buying a computer right now,” he said. “He had to replace the one that the F.B.I. took last week.”
Boasting about his social network’s explosive growth, Trump said that he had already friended Donald Trump, Jr., Eric Trump, Ivanka Trump, and Jared Kushner, and was waiting to hear back on a friend request to Melania Trump.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.