Feds Seizing Documents at Mar-a-Lago Unable to Find Trump’s Health-care Plan
By Andy Borowitz
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—F.B.I. agents swarming over Donald J. Trump’s Florida estate reported that they have so far been unable to locate the health-care plan that he had promised to deliver while President.
“Trump said that the plan was terrific and beautiful and far better than Obamacare,” Harland Dorrinson, the lead F.B.I. agent searching the estate, said. “If we could get our hands on it, that would be a game changer for our country.”
Agents cracked open the former President’s safe but were frustrated in their attempts to find any documents with the words “health” or “care” in them.
“It’s got to be around here somewhere,” one F.B.I. agent said.
As of late Monday night, a Bureau spokesman indicated that the agents had also been unable to find a prescription-drug plan, an infrastructure plan, or the framework for a peace treaty with North Korea.
The author continues to enjoy non-notoriety, which allowed plowing ahead and producing the next trash novel to be ignored by the world.
Not being smart enough to figure out when a dead horse no longer needs beating…
Now available in paperback and eBook at Amazon.
All hotels have one unsolvable problem: guests.
Along the lines of Hell is Other People, you must endure other guests in any hotel you visits. Some people are fine, but others make one want to be somewhere else. One must endure bad manners, egoism, unruly children, questionable character, ill treatment of staff, and unattractiveness. Life would be pleasant in every hotel, if one could select the other guests…or do without them altogether (but that would make the hotel unprofitable). This is a case of being forced to take the bad with the good…or staying home.
Hitler has been in the news lately, because a wannabe dictator keeps reminding people he wants to be like him and reports of his behaviour convince people is like him.
I am in the Black Forest where the old world is still alive and kicking. I drove through a village with a statue of Nazi soldiers. Germany is a long way from returning to a dictatorship—unlike the above-mentioned country—but many still appreciate the old ways. In the “backwoods” traditional values and practices are still appreciated. Tourist come to enjoy a different way of life. There is no rap music. There are no women in burkas or head scarves. Food is grown locally. Life is still good, if one ignores storm clouds on the horizon. Hitler will not return, but threats from afar can still screw up peoples’ lives. Statues remind one of how it could be, because it once was.
McConnell Accuses Biden of Violating Traditions of Congress by Accomplishing Things
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In a no-holds-barred attack on the President, Senator Mitch McConnell blasted Joe Biden for “violating Congress’s most cherished traditions by accomplishing things.”
Excoriating the Senate’s passage of the Inflation Reduction Act, McConnell declared, “The hallowed customs of this Capitol have been shredded forever.”
“Every Republican in this building went to work last week secure in the knowledge that nothing would be achieved,” he said. “Now, to our dismay, something has—and in August, no less.”
He implored Biden to “cease this insane accomplishing-things spree,” but worried that a damaging precedent had already been set.
“The American people trust us in Congress to do nothing,” he said. “Thanks to Joe Biden, we may never regain that trust.”
Justice Department Urges Trump to Hire Alex Jones’s Lawyers
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As it reportedly considers a criminal prosecution of the former President, the Department of Justice has “strongly urged” Donald J. Trump to retain Alex Jones’s legal team.
“We at the Justice Department can think of no one better to represent you than Alex Jones’s lawyers,” Attorney General Merrick Garland wrote recently, in a letter to Trump. “They are, quite simply, the Dream Team.”
Garland added, “After watching these lawyers in action, my associates at the D.O.J. and I looked at each other and said, ‘These guys have to represent Trump.’ ”
The Attorney General acknowledged that Trump might be considering hiring his longtime attorney, Rudy Giuliani, but noted, “As amazing as Rudy would be, we think that Alex Jones’s lawyers would be even more amazing.”
In a final inducement to Trump, Garland added, “We’ll pay them.”
Having noticed the global shortage of trash fiction, I pulled myself together, put my shoulder to the wheel, and came up with the latest addition to the Best Kept Secrets in Literature Collection.
I ferreted out the first draft of a novel I started in 1999, made a few changes and additions, watched a few YouTube videos, on writing, and uploaded a paperback and eBook versions to Amazon (the literary equivalent of trying to cross the Sahara Desert on foot without a canteen).
In a few days, if Amazon has nothing against the move, my latest effort will be let loose on the world, adding to the pile of unnoticed and unread books. The things is, I like it and liked producing it.
Given all the paranormal and strange television programs flooding the streaming services, I assume people are not satisfied with normal life.
Maybe that explains why the political world is spinning out of control.
I would be interested to hear discussions at NATO headquarters between Turkey and the rest of the membership. How do Turks general rationalise the behaviour of their dictator? The guy continues to play a double game in all dealings with other countries. A member of NATO—whose main enemy is Russia, who has been hit with sanctions—trades in arms and goods with Russia.
Anyone believing in the “united” States of America should look at how various states handle women’s rights. One allows abortion; the next forbids it.
If there were a shameless award, the list of potential winners would be long and picking one would be impossible. Clown-with-the-funny-hair; Josh Hawley, that Gaetz jerk; Alex Jones; governors of Texas or Florida, Mitch; every Fox unNews bloviator; and the list goes on.
Kansas Republicans Face Dark Future in State Where Women Have Rights
By Andy Borowitz
KANSAS (The Borowitz Report)—Republicans in Kansas woke up to the dark prospect of life in a state where women have human rights, G.O.P. activists report.
Harland Dorrinson, a Republican stalwart in Kansas for more than forty years, said that now, after voters in the state appeared to affirm women should be treated as humans, “I no longer recognize my Kansas.”
“This is a slippery slope,” he said. “If women are granted bodily autonomy, it’s only a matter of time before they are permitted to marry who they want, wear what they want, eat what they want. I know I speak for many of my fellow-Republicans when I say I don’t want to live in a state like that.”
Dorrinson said that he is contemplating leaving the state where he has lived his entire life but is unsure where he might go. “If this kind of nightmare can happen in Kansas, it can happen anywhere,” he said.
Had Tuesday’s vote gone the other way, Dorrinson said, Republicans in the state had forecast a bright future for Kansas. “Next, we were hoping to roll back women’s right to vote,” he said, adding ruefully, “but it’s a little late for that now.”
If you want to see the games humans can and do play, simple listen to or read the words Russians say about their rape of Ukraine, “diplomacy” around grain exports, and gas deliveries to Europe. Lying is easy and enough people are gullible. But never have then been so blatant and so transparent. These liars are driven by delusion, greed, and fear.
And then there are the Republicans…
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.