Mitch McConnell Warns That Voting Bill Would Bring U.S. to Brink of Democracy
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Blasting the For the People Act, Senator Mitch McConnell claimed that the bill’s passage would bring the United States “to the brink of democracy.”
“The Democrats can dress this bill up any way they want, but their real agenda couldn’t be clearer,” the Senate Minority Leader said. “They want to turn the United States of America that we love and cherish into a democracy.”
Noting that the word “democracy” originated in ancient Greece, he vowed, “I will not sit idly by and watch a foreign form of government sneak across our border.”
McConnell rallied his fellow Republican senators by reminding them that “we’re the only thing standing between this country and democracy.”
“The people who voted for us did not vote for us so that other people could vote for other people,” he said.
Most, if not all, people misconstrue the decision by the corrupt fools running the Texas government to build a wall along the border with Mexico to be a) a means to deter illegal immigrant, or b) salve to the imagined wounds to the head Clown. Anyone that has read history and knows a bit about Texas is certain that this is actually a way to funnel taxpayer money to businessmen, who will return it is a political contributions.
Lyndon Johnson owes his political career to two businessmen and one of the world’s largest construction companies owes its success to Lyndon Johnson and lucrative government contracts.
Some people are being awarded a Texas government contract to build a useless wall (people will climb over or go around). And politicians will reap the benefit of this money. And, taxpayers will be deceived and will lose out on any benefit the money might bring if spent wisely and without corruption.
I have said this before and do not know why I continue to be surprised, but each day brings a headline or media report about how worthless the US form of government is. Every day another story reveals how one senator can block progress and change. When something does get done, it is always some watered-down compromise. There is nothing wrong with compromise, if both parties have the interest of the country in mind. That never happens in the US Senate or House of Representatives. Anyone having the interest of the majority of the population in mind has no chance of success.
I believe in benevolent dictatorship…especially if they let me be the dictator.
Ted Cruz Calls Obamacare a Democratic Plot to Keep People Alive So They Can Vote
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Outraged by the U.S. Supreme Court’s decision to preserve Barack Obama’s signature legislative achievement, Senator Ted Cruz called the Affordable Care Act “a thinly veiled Democratic plot to keep people alive so they can vote.”
“A long time ago, Democrats figured out that live people were far more likely to vote than dead ones,” Cruz charged. “Make no mistake: the Affordable Care Act is a calculated scheme to increase the number of live people.”
He went on, “Democrats will stop at nothing to get people to vote. They will get them ballots. They will get them bottled water. And, yes, if necessary, they will keep them from dying of a preëxisting condition. It disgusts me.”
Cruz added that, unlike Democrats, Republicans have “no intention whatsoever of keeping people alive,” and pointed to Texas’s new “constitutional carry” gun law as a shining example.
I was interested to read that the State of Texas is planning to spend $250 million to build a wall to keep electricity out of its states’s grid. Not only will taxpayers pony up to ensure bad service, but will also pay higher rates for less power. Conservative politicians do not want progress, and this will certainly deliver on their promise.
Does anyone understand why a deranged jerk continues to dominate headlines and media time? One absurd claim and/or proven lies follows the other every day. All other presidents, all of most of which speak intelligently, receive in total less time that a raving maniac bent on destroying democracy. And what about the Fox News idiots, who spout total garbage? No one does anything to prevent the damage they do to the country. Democracy has all the tools for its own demise built into the system.
Biden Torments Trump by Seeing His Ex
By Andy Borowitz
GENEVA (The Borowitz Report)—President Biden has been tormenting Donald J. Trump by being photographed with his ex, associates of the former President report.
According to those sources, Trump accidentally saw a photo online of his ex and Biden enjoying a trip to Switzerland and has been inconsolable since.
“He’s taking it very hard,” one Trump associate said. “All morning, he was just sitting in his darkened bedroom, listening to Adele songs on Spotify. When Adele got to the part in ‘Someone Like You’ where she sings, ‘For me, it isn’t over,’ he had to turn it off.”
The associate said he understood that Trump’s ex was free to see Biden if he wanted, but that posing for photographers “seemed like twisting the knife.”
“I get it—they’re enjoying each other’s company,” the source said. “It’s like Ben and J. Lo. But show a little class.”
You are a quick and intellectual thinker. People like you because you are bi-sexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means that you are cheap. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
As a bonus feature, I'm including a special addition of "German Word of the Day". It is Zwillinge, which means "twins", but also "Gemini" in horoscopes. There is a saying that people born under this sign have zwei Seelen ("two souls"). This could be mistaken for having a split personality (or, as above, being bi-sexual). I interpret it to mean that people born under the sign of Gemini are more interesting!
When I read reports or hear commentary about political leaders, especially surrounding the recent meeting of “leading” industrial nations, I fear that many are stuck in the past. Too many are still living with Cold War thinking—despite it having ended thirty years ago—and many seem to have not read history. Their words suggest a lack of understanding of why certain countries are doing what they are doing. Or why certain leaders are acting the way they do. Russia is no longer a communist country and is not trying to spread an ideology: they want money and respect. China has overcome a centuries-old inferiority complex. They do not want to speak an ideology: they want respect, power, and money. Policies of other nations must recognise this and not try to tell either what to do or how to act. Everyone, especially the United States, should be happy that greed is driving things and not ideology.
The greedy of the world should unite to shut up politicians trying to discord. The oligarchs in Russia, the private equity monsters in the US (and university and private school leaders earning millions, while students sink in debt), and Chinese party capitalists. None of these want grassroots uprisings to threaten their rapaciousness.
Susan Collins Sad That Joe Manchin Has Replaced Her as Most Annoying Senator
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins said that she is “a little bit sad” to see Senator Joe Manchin replace her as the nation’s most annoying senator.
“For years, I’ve been the most aggravating person in this legislative chamber, and I’ve enjoyed every minute of it,” she said. “Still, if an obscure senator from Maine can’t wield outsized power anymore, it’s only fitting that the baton be passed to an obscure senator from West Virginia.”
Asked to remember a particularly gratifying moment from her long reign of irritation, Collins said, “It would have to be when I kept everyone guessing about how I’d vote on Kavanaugh. Those were good times.”
In an official response to her remarks, Manchin said, “I’ve been a big fan of Susan Collins’s work as a vexing time-waster for as long as I can remember. In terms of being infuriating, she has set the bar very, very high for me.”
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.