Trump Calls for Termination of Constitution Except Fifth Amendment
By Andy Borowitz
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump clarified his call for the termination of the United States Constitution by indicating that he would abolish the entire document except for the Fifth Amendment.
“I haven’t read the Constitution, but, from what I’ve been told, most of it is a waste of paper, quite frankly,” he told the One America News Network. “The Fifth Amendment is the only part worth saving.”
Trump said that the Fifth Amendment was “maybe the most beautiful amendment ever written,” and noted that he had used it “many, many times.”
“When I left office, I took a lot of documents with me, but I had no interest in taking the Constitution,” he said. “If I could have cut the Fifth Amendment out of the Constitution and put it in my pocket, I would have done that, but the rest of it was written by a bunch of dummies. A bunch of dummies.”
Republican leaders were noticeably silent on the former President’s latest remarks, except for Representative Kevin McCarthy, who said, “Hunter Biden’s laptop.”
Most people know he’s a crook. Most people know he’s a racist. Most people know he’s an egomaniac. Most people know he has limited knowledge about anything beyond how to cheat and lie.
But, now everyone should realise how stupid the jerk truly is. Anyone demanding that the Constitution of the United States be revoked is an imbecile. That is bad enough, but to make this demand because of some suspicious emails reaches a level of idiocy for which there is not a superlative.
Perhaps more people will understand that their hero is unhinged. Of course, these are the same people that vote for Herschel Walker, Marjories The Jerk, Ted the Jerk, and so on.
So, don’t expect contrition or conversion.
I thing it was Clauswitz who said “War is policy by other means”. Well, the FIFA Championship, currently being battled in Qatar can be said “war by other means”.
The best example might be Switzerland vs. Serbia. Switzerland? They have never fought a war. Yes, but some of their players come from Yugoslavia and Albania or are descendants of Yugoslavs or Albanians. They have not forgotten the wars and atrocities, nor that Kosovo broke off from Serbia. The rest of the world recognises Kosovo, but the Serbs do not. Lingering hatred was apparent in the match.
And how about England vs. Wales. Wales has been under the thumb of the English for centuries and have never been happy being subjugated.
I have already written about the United States and Iran. People in Iran know the history; most Americans do not.
And so on…
White Nationalists Give Mar-a-Lago Restaurant Disappointing One-Star Reviews on Tripadvisor
By Andy Borowitz
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest setback for Donald J. Trump, the restaurant at his Florida club, Mar-a-Lago, has received an avalanche of scathing Tripadvisor reviews from white nationalists.
Although the publicity surrounding Trump’s recent dinner with Kanye West and Nick Fuentes seemed likely to boost the club’s popularity with anti-Semitic foodies, the one-star reviews from neo-Nazis suggest otherwise.
One Tripadvisor reviewer, using the handle JosephGoebbels2024, echoed the opinions of other white-nationalist commenters when he complained that the Mar-a-Lago restaurant had “slow service,” “drab décor,” and “too many ethnic dishes.”
According to a source close to Trump, the former President was shaken by the one-star reviews. “He kind of assumed that, no matter what, the white supremacists would be with him,” the source said. “He had no idea they were such picky eaters.”
Trump Says He Did Not Know Identity of Dinner Guest, Owing to White Hood
By Andy Borowitz
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump revealed that he did not know the identity of a recent dining companion at Mar-a-Lago because of the white hood his guest was wearing.
“The guy shows up in a white hood, and I thought, That’s some kind of wacko,” Trump said. “I thought since he was a friend of Ye’s maybe it was some weird new fashion Ye was trying to sell. He’s been dropped by a lot of companies and has been treated very unfairly.”
“Then I thought, Is this Mike Lindell?” Trump continued. “He’s the MyPillow guy, but he sells things besides pillows, like sheets. And he’s kind of a joker. Mike is a lot of fun, but the press doesn’t report that. They’ve been very nasty to him.”
“Whoever it was, I didn’t think it was very smart to be wearing white to dinner with me,” he added. “When I eat, a lot of ketchup goes flying. Who would wear a white hood when they know they’re going to get hit by ketchup? Only a wacko or a joker. Anyway, he didn’t get any ketchup on the hood, so everything was fine.”
Kari Lake Storms Out of Thanksgiving After Losing Battle for Wishbone
By Andy Borowitz
PHOENIX (The Borowitz Report)—The former anchorwoman Kari Lake reportedly “stormed out” of Thanksgiving dinner after losing a pitched battle over the wishbone, multiple witnesses reported.
According to those who saw the ugly scene unfold, Lake was locked in a fierce struggle over the turkey part with a rival identified by several onlookers as her nine-year-old niece Paisley.
After Lake’s attempt to win a majority of the wishbone was soundly defeated, she blasted the contest for being riddled with fraud.
“When the truth comes out, I am going to be your worst nightmare,” she reportedly told her niece.
Just prior to her angry departure from the dinner, Lake had angrily rejected a demotion to the children’s table, relatives said.
The results are in: the United Stares is the stupidest country in history.
What does 600 mass shooting year-to-date say about the idiocy of gun laws? And the year is not over. Keep shooting and keep killing, guys.
You’re Number One.
You’re the Greatest.
The soccer/football gods have either a sense of history or a sense of humor. Don’t believe me? Consider Group B of the current World Cup competition: England, Wales, United States, and Iran. The irony is impossible to ignore. Besides the Iranians, I seriously doubt any player on the other teams knows any history of relations between their countries.
Basically, Iran hates the United States and Great Britain (of which England and Wales are members) and for good reason. The United States and Great Britain hate Iran, but for different reasons. Wales hates England, because they have been subjugated and plundered for centuries. Deep down, despite having been saved in two wars, the British dislike the United States because they left the fold and ended the plundering of North America.
Few know the history of basis of Iranian hate for the United States and Britain. Some recall the Iranian capture of the US embassy in 1979, but do not know the root cause. Currently, all media reports focus on the nuclear weapon issue and suppression of human rights.
Following World War 2, Iran could have become the biggest democratic country in the Middle East. The former despot have been removed by the war. A prime minister was elected, who promised reform and nationalisation of the countries national resources. Oh, oh. The British Navy had been feeling its ships with free Iranian oil for years. They would now have to pay market rate for said oil. They were not pleased by the prime minister’s noble aims for his people. Who was he to deny the Crown of its god-given right to plunder nations? Some clever bureaucrat convinced the United States CIA of the need to put the Prime Minister in the trunk of a car on a dark night and install a pliable despot as Shah. This led to almost 30 years of friendly relations between these three nations…until the Islamic Revolution. Mutual enmity has prevailed ever since.
Now, these nations face each other on a different field of global combat. No other groups or matches are so fraught with history. None of this matters, of course. And, none of these teams has a chance of winning the Cup!
Some might have noticed that soccer games are being played in the desert. Other will have noticed football being played. In some cases, more is said about politics and human rights than sport, but so is the way of the world.
As to the sport, I have only one comment. The problem with soccer/football is the offside rule. This spoils the game. The rule benefits poor defence, and penalises quick players. People want goals and, instead, they get frustration.
If I had not seen the announcement, I would have guessed that the team wearing the uniform of Ecuador was from Africa. Not one player had the features of a South American native. Players are imported to improve the chances of a nation, whereas the fans appeared to be from the country in question. But, visages do not necessarily reflect the country supplying the uniforms in the Olympic Games or any international competition.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.