Giuliani Says He Cannot Pay $1.3 Billion in Damages Because He Does Not Know Any Real Billionaires
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to Dominion Voting Systems’ huge defamation lawsuit against him, Rudy Giuliani said that he would not be able to pay $1.3 billion in damages because he does not know any real billionaires.
“If I knew an actual billionaire, I’d say, ‘Hey, I’m in a tough fix. Can you help me pay off this thing?’ ” Giuliani said. “But I don’t know anyone like that.”
Not only does he not know any actual billionaires, but the people he does know are “just the opposite,” Giuliani said.
“Forget about $1.3 billion,” he scoffed. “They can’t even pay their legal bills.”
The former New York mayor said that, if Dominion wins its case against him, he will have no choice but to declare bankruptcy. “I guess I do know someone who could help me with that,” he said.
News from not-so-great Britain, the nation with the happy fish. People are waking to discover that politicians lied to them (big surprise, because such things never happen) about what life would be like after the country left the European Union.
The country retain control of fishing in their territorial waters, but forgot to tell fisherman that they would have to fight piles of bureaucracy at home and abroad to export the catch…which makes up the bulk of their livelihood. Fish are rotting in all ports, but politicians can still enjoy filet of sole in their clubs.
Also, small companies unable to sell their products in Europe are being told by the government to fire workers and move their business to the Continent. I guess this will force the newly unemployed to seek jobs vacated by Europeans no longer able to work in the UK.
There’s more, all of which was predicted, but people believed the contrary lies repeated told to them. And, the leader of Parliament—a man who profited from Brexit—actually said the fish in British waters are now “happier”.
Shrinking QAnon to Merge with Elvis Conspiracy Theory
By Andy Borowitz
MEMPHIS (The Borowitz Report)—QAnon, which has hemorrhaged supporters since Inauguration Day, has announced that it is merging with the conspiracy theory that claims Elvis Presley is still alive.
The announcement, made at a press conference in a parking lot across the street from Graceland, Presley’s longtime home, was seen as a bid to prevent QAnon from vanishing altogether.
The overture to the Elvis conspiracy theorists came after QAnon proposed a similar merger with the National Rifle Association, which declined, citing difficulties of its own.
At the press conference, Harland Dorrinson, a QAnon spokesman, was upbeat about the new joint venture, which will be known as QElvis.
“We are proud to be joining forces with the Elvis conspiracy theory, which has been going strong ever since that fateful day in 1977 when Elvis didn’t die,” Dorrinson said.
Tracy Klugian, representing the Elvis theorists, denied that there had been friction between the two groups as they hammered out the merger, and dispelled rumors that the Elvis faction had attempted to downplay the QAnon faction’s obsession with cannibals.
“Absolutely untrue,” Klugian said. “Every member of QElvis is committed to one simple truth: that Elvis is still alive, and that his death was faked by George Soros and Hillary Clinton.”
I noticed a headline in a British newspaper: “California is America, only sooner”.
Whoever wrote this missed school the day they taught the Civil War.
And, what was not taught was the feeling among many that the North did not deserve to win, so the Confederacy lives on in minds. This is not unlike what happened in the recent presidential election. There is no middle ground: winners never lose, or not fairly.
Lingering anger over loss and ensuing emancipation of the slaves has coloured politics in much of the United States. Many do not realise that their thoughts and actions have been flamed by Southern feelings. California started from scratch and added new layers of diversity to each generation; the South has always been the South and white.
Some talk of California breaking away, because its economy would land it in the top ten in the world. This might be a good idea, because unity is not likely to ever happen. The South and California are as different as China and Russia. The myth of “America” works only so far and so long as glue holding together pieces of a difficult jigsaw puzzle. Like continental drift, the parts will inexorably drift apart
The artist is of no consequence. Only what he creates is important.
Unchained Fauci Recites Entire Periodic Table of Elements at White House Briefing
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A newly unchained Dr. Anthony Fauci stunned the White House press corps on Friday when he recited the entire periodic table of elements at a coronavirus briefing.
Without warning, the esteemed virologist named all of the hundred and eighteen chemical elements on the table, starting with hydrogen and ending with oganesson, along with their abbreviations and atomic numbers.
“That felt amazing!” Fauci exclaimed, visibly throbbing with excitement. “Now let’s do it backward!”
According to White House sources, Fauci’s realization that he can now speak freely about science has resulted in several such outbursts since the Inauguration, including during a vaccination-strategy meeting, when he began explaining the theory of relativity.
“He went to the whiteboard and started scrawling these insanely long equations,” a White House staffer said. “It was like he was possessed.”
Another staffer agreed. “It’s great having Tony fully engaged, but he’s got to dial it back a little,” the staffer said. “Right now, it’s kind of like having Bill Nye the Science Guy in the room.”
For his part, Fauci acknowledged that he has not yet fully adjusted to his recent liberation. “Don’t worry—after a day or two I’ll calm down,” he said. “Hey, do you want to hear the first hundred digits of pi?”
Now that we have seen behind the screen of Oz and discovered that the emperor not only wore no clothes, but had no clothes.
We can understand why people in the previous administration would not assist with the transition to the new administration: they had no systems and no plans.
The “foundation” the jerk promised is quicksand.
Liberals Traumatized by Agreeing with Mitch McConnell
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of liberals were traumatized on Tuesday when they found themselves in agreement with Mitch McConnell, liberals are reporting.
From Santa Monica, California, to the Upper West Side of Manhattan, liberals sought emergency counselling, complaining of a range of symptoms after realizing that they were on the same side as the senator from Kentucky.
Carol Foyler, a liberal from Austin, Texas, said that she experienced lightheadedness and nausea after liking a Facebook post that detailed McConnell’s remarks in the Senate. “The room started spinning,” she said.
Dr. Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota Medical School said that liberals who are traumatized by agreeing with McConnell should “not be concerned” and should recognize that it is a temporary condition.
“They’re not going to wake up tomorrow and start agreeing with Devin Nunes,” he said.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.