Trump Calls Bush Ungrateful: “I Kept Him from Being the Worst President in History”
By Andy Borowitz
PALM BEACH (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering attack on another former Commander-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump called George W. Bush “ungrateful,” telling reporters, “I kept him from being the worst President in history.”
“When he left office, he was at the bottom of the list of Presidents—I mean, the very, very bottom,” he said. “Then I got into office and changed all that.”
“I worked hard, day in, day out, to keep Bush from being the worst,” he said. “He’s given me no credit for that whatsoever. This should never be allowed to happen in this country.”
Despite doing Bush “this incredible favor,” Trump said, “I have never got so much as a thank-you note from that ungrateful bastard. I don’t know, maybe he’s too busy with his so-called paintings to write.”
Trump called Bush’s warnings about domestic terrorism during a speech on the twentieth anniversary of 9/11 “totally out of line.” He added, “When he was President, there were terrorists all over the world. I brought terrorism jobs back to the U.S.A.”
It may be “art”, but wrapping up a large structure in some material seems to be a strange human activity. Why does anyone want to cover the Arc de Triumph in Paris…and why would anyone want to observe this curiosity?
While reading an article about Sydney, in which a girl mentions riding the ferry each day to school, I thought of Boston, where I get up (actually, near Boston). Both cities grew thrived because they are excellent harbors. But, life was different around each.
Sydney lives more on the water: there are numerous ferries, water taxies, countless small boats—motorised or under sail, and large ships.
Boston seemed to have turned its back to the water and solidified life on land. I do not recall a single ferry—people drive over bridges or through tunnels, all congested. I first hear of water taxis in Sydney. Small boats tend to be found in outlying suburbs, with a few on the Charles River.
Just shows how strange human life can be. Two harbors, peopled by British settlers, developed differently over the centuries...
Fox News Accuses Biden of Using Federal Government to Improve Country
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling President Joe Biden “an authoritarian dictator of the most reprehensible kind,” Fox News has accused him of using the power of the federal government to improve the country.
“Joe Biden came into office claiming that he wanted to be the President of all the people,” Sean Hannity said. “Now, however, his real agenda has become clear: he wants to increase Americans’ life expectancy.”
“How long one lives should be a personal choice,” Hannity continued. “But not if Joe Stalin-slash-Biden has anything to say about it.”
Tucker Carlson agreed, arguing that Biden’s push for a $3.5 trillion spending package “is no more and no less than a totalitarian dictator’s plot to raise the nation’s standard of living.”
“To those of you who think I’m being an alarmist, let’s learn a lesson from history,” he said. “This is exactly like what happened in Germany under Angela Merkel.”
Different people have different memories of September 11, 2001. Almost everyone remembers what they were doing on that day. Many lost loved ones, family members, friends, or acquaintances.
I was fortunate not to lose the daughter of a close family friend, who had been scheduled to be on the flight from New York to Washington. Because she changed her plans at the last minute, she was able to live and become godmother of my grandchild. Her business associates, who made the trip, were not so lucky.
Fate happens: some are lucky; some are not.
All are surely familiar with the term “ambulance chaser”, referring to that breed of sleazy lawyer who begs accident victims to sue someone, so he can charge an exorbitant fee.
Well, there is a new mutation, much more intrusive and disgusting. These are self-appointed (or cooked up by evil Republicans) vigilantes who will follow behind pregnant women in Texas, hoping that they will seek an abortion. They do not care about the mental health of women with every intention of giving birth, they merely hope to cash in on the draconian law allowing citizens to harass other citizens and make money doing it.
At least an ambulance chaser needs some legal training. In Texas, all you need is a greedy, malicious character.
Trump Offers to Buy Robert E. Lee Statue for His Bedroom
By Andy Borowitz
RICHMOND (The Borowitz Report)—After a statue of Robert E. Lee was removed from Richmond, Virginia, Donald J. Trump offered to buy the monument for his bedroom at Mar-a-Lago.
“It’s a beautiful statue of a beautiful man, and, quite frankly, there’s no one I’d rather wake up to every morning,” he said.
Stating that the removal of the statue “should never have been allowed to happen in this country,” Trump said that he had offered Virginia a statue of himself in return.
“I can’t think of a better person to take Robert E. Lee’s place than Trump,” he said. “I’ll even throw in free shipping, like that loser Bezos.”
Asked why he had decided to place the Civil War statue in his bedroom, Trump said that his wife, Melania, had asked him to put it someplace where she wouldn’t see it.
There is a saying: if you are a hammer, everything look like a nail.
This could be a metaphor or corollary for the US military. If you have a huge military machine, does everything look like a target for a war?
Now, they must figure what to do with all the troops no longer screwing up the Middle East. There used to be a time when idle soldiers spent the days painting rocks on the base or peeling potatoes on KP duty. Now, they need something to do with all the weapons procured by a hungry machine and a reason to buy more ammunitions from suppliers needing profits.
If you want to see what’s wrong with the world, listen to Tucumseh Valley, sung by Nancy Griffith. This might be the saddest song ever written, if you listen carefully and have a bit of empathy. So much about the human experience can be elicited from from the words of this song. At the end, one feels sad, not only for Caroline, but all who suffer/suffered a similar fate in a cruel world.
Abbott Considering Other Measures to Prevent People from Ever Setting Foot in Texas
By Andy Borowitz
AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Texas Governor Greg Abbott said that he was “actively considering” additional measures to prevent people from wanting to ever set foot in the state.
Although he acknowledged that new laws banning most abortions, restricting voting, and allowing citizens to carry a gun without a permit or training would dissuade many from visiting Texas, Abbott said that “there’s more we can do.”
“Maybe we pass a law that says when you have to go to bed every night, or when you’re allowed to use a hair dryer,” he said. “We need to put our thinking caps on.”
“Just spitballing here, but what if we mandated that every visitor to Texas got bitten by a dog or poked with a stick of some kind?” he said. “I’ll be damned if that wouldn’t do the trick.”
Even as he works overtime thinking up new ideas to alienate potential visitors to Texas, he admitted he was surprised that anyone still wanted to come. “Honestly, I thought me being Governor would be enough to keep people out,” he said.
Americans are not the only ones ignorant about basic history…
I read an interesting headline in a major UK newspaper:
“The days of paying in British blood for our special relationship with America are over’
I guess this guy did not attend school, missed the days they taught about World War II, or never watched the many films about the war which constantly play on British television. Someone should tell him that he might, without Americans “paying in blood”, be speaking German.
The outrage brewed, is brewing, and will boil over…
The election of the first Black president thrilled many Democrats. The world was full of praise. Republicans seethed. This led to election of the worst president in history. Which led to a short relapse. The election of the first female and Black vice president thrilled Democrats and won praise around the world. Republicans were shocked and have been living a lie ever since. This will lead, I am certain, to the Republican winning the next presidential election. The worst outcome will be the return of the conman, but any Republican president will be a disaster and set the country back. A preview can be seen in Texas, but that is just the tip of the iceberg.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.