Ivanka Trump Reportedly Begged Putin to Order Her Dad to Stop Capitol Attack
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Ivanka Trump begged Vladimir Putin to command her father to call off the attack on the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, new reports indicate.
According to evidence collected by the House subcommittee investigating the insurrection, when Trump witnessed the rioting on television, she immediately placed a call to the Russian President.
“You’ve got to talk sense to my dad,” Trump reportedly pleaded. “You’re the only one he listens to.”
“Not Jared?” the Russian leader inquired.
“He thinks Jared’s a joke,” she replied.
According to the report, Putin politely declined her request. “If it got out that I was helping save American democracy, that would make me look bad,” he explained.
Trump reportedly said that she “understood,” and then placed a call to the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un.
The Thirteen Days of Christmas
By Greg Lewis,
December 25th – The Savior is born
January 1st – The New Year arrives
January 6th – Satan appears in a dark blue suit
Revolution! Revolution! he cries
Thirteen days from beginning to end
Thirteen days from Heaven to Hell
From the hallowed birth of Jesus Christ
To “The Day of Lies” the Devil will tell
Roused by promises the coward won’t keep
(Like a voyeur, he watches and hides)
False Patriots charge the Capitol’s walls
And the Devil grins as the nation divides
These two halves do make a hole
A gaping wound in America’s heart
Democracy teeters on the bloody edge
Insurrectionists rip the nation apart
The duped and complicit believe they are right
Based on falsity beyond all reason
Ignorance swells and knows no limits
The Devil gloats over acts of treason
Yeats’ rough beast slouches toward Bethlehem now
Can the falcon hear the falconer’s cry?
Is the American experiment at its very end?
Will indifference let our nation’s soul die?
Neither China nor Russia, the Mullahs or Taliban
Threaten the American way of Life
Like a man who wields the Bible upside down
And stabs the Constitution in the back with a knife
The Thirteen Days of Christmas
Joy and Hope, then the Devil’s Civil War
The craven pretend it never happened
While Democracy dies on the Senate floor
© Greg Lewis
Rand Paul Vows to Fill Misinformation Void Caused by Twitter’s Ban of Marjorie Taylor Greene
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it his “solemn duty,” Rand Paul vowed to fill the covid-misinformation gap created by Twitter’s ban of Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene.
In an emotional statement, the U.S. senator from Kentucky said that those who have relied on Greene for covid-19 falsehoods “must not be forgotten.”
“Twitter’s ban of Marjorie Taylor Greene left millions without a go-to source for reckless pandemic myths,” he said. “I am here to say, ‘I got this.’ ”
Admitting that it would be challenging to mislead as many people about the virus as Greene did, Paul said, “I relish that challenge.”
He also addressed what would happen if, like Greene, he is eventually banned from the social-media platform.
“I will pass the baton to Matt Gaetz, Ron DeSantis, and Greg Abbott,” Paul said. “Let Twitter be warned: when it comes to misinformation, we Republicans have an extremely deep bench.”
College sports benefit from free labor. All focus on the players, but one admirable aspect of college sports, especially at large universities, is the ability to field a large marching band. This provides an outlet for many unable to participate in sport and furnishes the game with more spirit than is found at a professional stadium. Even for a school with a crappy team, snappy music can often help to ease the pain of losing.
Every year, millions are spent on fireworks to light up the sky at midnight on New Year’s Eve. Hospitals are overwhelmed by people who have something stupid…beyond wasting money on fireworks.
This year, fireworks are forbidden in Germany, in an attempt to relieve hospitals struggling with Corona. So, what do I hear: fireworks. Countries bordering on Germany have not forbidden the sale of fireworks, so thousands of idiots have driven over the border, so they can waste money and look forward to a visit to a local hospital.
I cannot criticise (after all, I am not a hypocrite!). When I was a youth, fireworks were outlawed in Massachusetts. What did I do? I bought cherry bombs in Virginia, when I visited relatives. There must be something in the DNA of humans that forces them to waste money on forbidden things and/or make explosions.
These days, “brands” have become ubiquitous—overwhelmingly ubiquitous. Since the rise of the internet and social media, more and more people are claiming to be or trying to become a “brand”, driven by ego and/or greed. Some are talented at convincing companies to provide them with free goods or services because they claim to be able to “influence” other people with their importance.
My earliest memory of a brand being important in my life was in junior high school. For some reason, it became cool for boys to use a cologne called “Canoe”. Perhaps, this proved that you have enough money to waste it on something unnecessary: the scent did not attract girls, rather the aura of wealth.
Of course, there were brands being advertised, such as automobiles and cigarettes, but these were uninteresting for a teenager. Clothing brands and sneakers were yet to become fashion necessities. Nike and Ralph Lauren had not been invented, while adidas and Converse were worn only by athletes playing sport.
If you like a good satire about the fools and crooks in America, then watch Don't Look Up on Netflix
knowI have known for a long time that very few Americans could find France on a map. Most only know anything about the country because they have listened to Republican propaganda attacking the country.
If anyone doubted American’s knowledge of geography, one must merely watch the new Emily in Paris on Netflix. In one episode, we are told that she must travels St. Tropez. She boards a train in Paris to make the trip to St. Tropez (which is not serviced by any rail line). Because she must “arrive” at St. Tropez, the producers have her disembark at Villefranche, which is 120 kilometres away…and further from Paris as, say Nice, which is also far from St. Tropez but serviced by rail from Paris. Scenes show her is a car approaching “St Tropez” but the town in the background is Cap Ferret. The next scene shows her arriving at her hotel in Cap Ferret, Hotel de Cap, miles away from St. Tropez. Another scenes supposedly shows her in St. Tropez, is actually in Nice. Another scene in St. Tropez is Villefranche. At the end, they do show a few scenes in St. Tropez, but these are rare. No American will know the difference: they all look foreign.
Marjorie Taylor Greene Accuses Jewish Space Lasers of Trying to Shoot Down Santa
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that the “enemies of Christmas” are taking their war against the holiday to “a whole new level,” Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene warned of a conspiracy to use “state-of-the-art Jewish space lasers” to shoot down Santa.
“If you want to win the war on Christmas, first you take out the person who makes Christmas possible,” Greene said. “As I speak, Jewish space lasers are being trained on the North Pole.”
Noting that norad tracks Santa’s route each year, she urged those military officials monitoring his progress “to be on the lookout for any incoming of a space-laser-ish nature.”
In her most incendiary claim, she asserted that the Rothschild banking family is masterminding the anti-Santa plot “because they don’t worship Santa the way regular people do.
“The Rothschilds have already celebrated their own holiday with their little Rothschildren,” she said. “They call it the Festival of Lasers.”
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.