Trump May Not Have Read Brief Because He Holds Reading Material Upside Down
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump may not have read a Presidential Daily Brief on the Russian bounty scheme because he holds reading material upside down, experts suggested on Wednesday.
After studying photographic evidence of Trump holding a book in that difficult-to-read position, Davis Logsdon, who studies literacy at the University of Minnesota, said that such a practice could have impeded the President’s ability to process information on his desk.
“If Trump is holding all of his Presidential Daily Briefs upside down, what is intended to be important intelligence requiring his urgent attention might, to him, appear to be little more than meaningless marks on a piece of paper,” Logsdon said.
Within minutes of the release of Logsdon’s comments, the White House scrambled to institute new procedures to insure that Trump’s Presidential Daily Briefs are placed right-side up on his Oval Office desk.
Reportedly, Jared Kushner will be tasked with entering Trump’s office first thing every morning and rotating all of the papers on his desk until they are in the optimal position for reading.
Some White House sources, however, expressed skepticism about the new protocol. “It relies on Jared knowing when reading material is upside down,” one source said.
Call me old-fashioned, call me intolerant, call me anything you like: I hate—a word I do not like to use, because it is a wasted emotion—anyone that sticks pieces of metal in his or her face. I am so repulsed by someone serving me in a shop or a restaurant, that I leave and seek a different location. And, beside being repulsed, I do not understand why anyone can be so stupid and self-destructive.
Many like to criticise the French for being stubborn. This has one advantage for the citizens of France, when it comes to food. With all the “advances” in agriculture—genetically manipulated foodstuffs, chemical fertilizers, mechanical harvesting, etc.—France has maintained many of the old ways of food production. Not 100%, but enough so that one can find great food throughout the country and in some export markets. Only stupid people do not pay attention to food quality or ingredients. Of course, if you buy fresh products, the main ingredient is in your hands. No one has to worry about packaging gobbledygook.
Food is a major ingredient of one’s quality of life. French people understand this better than most.
Taliban Brief Because He Was Busy Not Reading Coronavirus Brief
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump did not read a Presidential Daily Brief about Russia paying Taliban militants to attack U.S. troops because he was busy not reading a Presidential Daily Brief about the coronavirus, the White House said on Monday.
Kayleigh McEnany, the White House press secretary, angrily accused reporters of being “totally unaware” of just how much Trump has to not read in a given day.
“Day in, day out, the President has to ignore briefs on a wide range of subjects,” McEnany said. “His ‘Do Not Read’ box is overflowing.”
“I’d like to see any of you try to not read all of that stuff,” she said. “It isn’t easy, especially when the briefs have words like ‘urgent’ and ‘must read’ stamped in big red letters on them.”
After lashing out at the press, McEnany saved her most blistering remarks for the authors of the Presidential Daily Briefs themselves. “Anyone who expects this President to find out something important by reading does not know Donald Trump,” she said.
The Virus known as Corona or Covid 19 has no mercy and plays no favorites. There are few protections, but some do exist. The problem is that one must know them, believe in them, and have the self-discipline to use them. One can take from the media each who does and who doesn’t.
The bigger problem is human stupidity. This is on display in many countries, where the leaders are uncaring idiots. Even in countries where leaders are better, the virus has made an impact. The level of impact has to do with preparation, good policy, and discipline.
I am happy to live in Germany. There are few, if any, better countries.
Trump to Retaliate Against Russia by Sending Jared Kushner to Advise Kremlin on Coronavirus Response
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an act of retaliation against the Russians for sponsoring Taliban attacks on U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Donald J. Trump is sending Jared Kushner to the Kremlin to offer advice on its coronavirus response, the White House confirmed on Monday.
“To all those who thought that this President was not taking the Russians’ actions seriously, this response should speak for itself,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “The President had an array of responses to choose from, and the one he selected is by far the most punishing.”
According to White House insiders, Trump and his advisers debated the response to the Russians for hours before finally settling on the Kushner option late Sunday night.
“Jared Kushner is the most brutal weapon in our arsenal, and deploying him is a decision that no one should ever take lightly,” one adviser said.
McEnany indicated that Kushner will be dispatched to the Kremlin by Monday afternoon and will start advising the Kremlin on ventilators, personal protective equipment, and other coronavirus-related matters as early as Tuesday.
“He will bring Russia to its knees,” she said.
Many in Washington were surprised by the severity of Trump’s retaliation against the Russians, including the esteemed virologist Dr. Anthony Fauci.
“I know that the Russians are our enemies, but I’m still not sure I would wish Jared Kushner on them,” he said.
Trump Vows to Ban Coronavirus Vaccine If Obama Invented It
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)--Donald J. Trump on Friday threatened to ban a coronavirus vaccine if it turns out that it was invented by former President Barack Obama.
Trump’s threat took members of the White House press corps aback, since there are no reports to date of Obama attempting to invent a vaccine or any other pharmaceutical.
Trump acknowledged that he was not aware of any such activities on Obama’s part, but warned that, if the former President succeeded in inventing a coronavirus vaccine, “I’m not going to let that happen.”
“If Obama came up with a vaccine, it would only be to make me look bad,” he said. “Well, guess what? I’m not going to let him get away with something cute like that. We’re going to move quite powerfully on anything Obama does in terms of a vaccine.”
Trump added that, if former Vice-President Joe Biden is elected President in November, “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if he approved a vaccine Obama invented, just to spite me.”
“Obama and Biden, they’re like two peas in a pod,” Trump said. “If you want a vaccine, vote for Biden. It’ll serve you right.”
A virus worse than corona is ravaging the United States: the stupidity virus. This has hit the Republicans and Republican supporters harder than the rest of the population, because they are immune to reality and truth. No cure is in sight, and nothing seems to be working on anyone. The disease is incurable on living Republicans, but they are “hoping and praying”, because “they have god on their side”. (Just look how well that has worked for folks now and throughout history.)
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.