America’s Teachers Urge Trump to Use Time at Home to Repeat First Grade
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump should use this time when he is staying at home to repeat first grade, the nation’s teachers are urging.
Carol Foyler, the executive director of the National Alliance of Elementary Educators, said that the homebound Trump has a “golden opportunity” to use remote learning to repeat the first-grade curriculum.
“At a time when many of our nation’s children are being homeschooled, this seems like the perfect time for President Trump to learn the basics of reading, writing, and math,” she said. “By June, he could be reading ‘Hop on Pop’ and ‘Go, Dog, Go!’ ”
She added that anyone at the White House would be qualified to homeschool Trump, “except Jared.”
Foyler acknowledged that the plan for Trump to repeat first grade had faced dissent from some of the nation’s teachers, who felt strongly that he should first repeat kindergarten.
“From an educational standpoint, the kindergarten curriculum is mainly devoted to socialization and getting along with others,” she said. “I think the ship has sailed on that.”
That disagreement aside, Foyler said that the nation’s elementary educators were prepared to offer Trump a broad array of online learning resources. “He will have everything he needs to repeat first grade while Dr. Fauci runs the country,” she said.
Best advice ever I have heard so far on what to do in the current pandemic was uttered at the White House press conference: read the Bible!
Fauci Warns Trump That If Everyone in U.S. Dies It Could Affect His TV Ratings
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a conversation over the weekend that reportedly left the President “shaken,” Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Donald Trump that if everyone in the United States dies, it would adversely affect his television ratings.
Although Fauci was quick to add that the everyone-dying scenario was purely hypothetical, he stressed that, from a medical perspective, alive people were more likely than dead ones to watch television.
According to a source familiar with the conversation, the possible impact of covid-19 fatalities on Trump’s ratings “totally blindsided” the President, who immediately convened an emergency meeting of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.
“It’s time you losers started taking this situation seriously,” Trump reportedly barked. “Especially you, Pence.”
In what was described as an increasingly rancorous session, Trump reprimanded the group for “not doing enough” to safeguard his TV ratings. “I like the numbers being where they are,” he thundered.
Shortly after the meeting, Trump signed an executive order requiring all Americans to be quarantined in their living rooms until further notice.
A recent photo revealed vividly the impotency of the Catholic Church and the powerlessness of “god’s chosen representative” on Earth. A helpless old man sat in the rain in front of a huge building built with the sweat, blood, and tears of countless gullible and exploited humans and mumble meaningless words.
Of course, this was metaphor for the helplessness of all humanity in the face of nature’s onslaught. Too many believe that the current pandemic is a “test” or “punishment”,(ie. for gay rights), because they do not understand or will not accept the supremacy of nature. Just look at the idiots at “Liberty” University, who followed the advice of the jerk running the place—a minister, of course, who earns too much money from fooling gullible people—to return to class. They deserve to suffer god’s wrath by getting sick
When a politician replies to a question needing a precise answer with words such as “hope” and “earliest possible date”, then you can be sure of two things. First of all, he has no idea, even if his job description demands him knowing the answer. And, second, he is lying, which is the default characteristic of most politicians, especially government ministers. Another hint: “we are doing everything possible” is what you hear when not enough was done in the past, is not being currently done, and will surely not be done in the future.
But, as we have seen, most people are too stupid to understand, which is why politicians keep their jobs. And, because job safety for incompetence is a feature of such jobs, this explains why bad characters enter politics.
I wonder if the horoscope writers and self-proclaimed clairvoyants “saw” the virus epidemic coming…and how they are waffling about their failure.
Governments spend more money preparing for an attack from a foreign army, but neglect preparing for the real threat of disease. Buying weapons is easier than buying medical supplies.
Recent border closing in Europe have drawn criticism from the usual idiots, saying the European Union “doesn’t work”. Until now, they have been silent about US states preventing citizens of other states from entering.
Humans are the same everywhere; governments tend to always act the same, regardless of ideology. And, bad leaders are bad leaders, regardless of how the end up in office.
Fauci Gently Tells Trump Why He Can’t Hold Parade to Celebrate Great Job He Is Doing
By Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci spent several hours on Saturday gently explaining to Donald J. Trump why it would be “a bad idea” to hold a giant parade to celebrate the great job the President is doing to combat covid-19, Dr. Fauci has confirmed.
Trump first raised the idea of a massive parade early Saturday morning, arguing that it would address the “biggest problem” created by the pandemic thus far: the lack of appreciation for his own efforts regarding it.
“A parade would put Jay Inslee and that woman in Michigan in their place,” Trump bitterly insisted.
As Trump began drawing up plans for a parade, a panicked Dr. Fauci interceded and tried to explain that such a celebration would be “much nicer” if held after the pandemic is over.
“Would I still be able to have tanks?” a crestfallen Trump asked.
“Yes, you could have tanks,” Fauci replied.
“What about balloons?” Trump asked.
“You can have all the balloons you want,” the virologist said. “I promise you.”
Speaking to reporters, Dr. Fauci said he believed that, after laboriously explaining the situation to Trump, “I think I got through to him,” adding, “I’ve gotta lie down now.”
Everything is constantly changing; nothing has any enduring essence;
and nothing is completely satisfying.
Prior to writing novels, the author enjoyed a multifaceted career: from decorated combat aviator to advertising professional to global communications director of a major consumer brand. He has traveled the world and met sports, film and television stars, political leaders, and royalty. He graduated from Middlebury College, is married, lives in Germany, and has two grown children.